The Two Coreys: Week 1

I've kind of given up on VH-1's Rock of Love. I gave it the old college try but, as so often happens in the first semester, I must withdraw for fear that continuing will just drag me down into a hole that I can't escape. Luckily for me, A&E's new Sunday night show, The Two Coreys, has swooped in and filled the void that Bret Michaels could not. Probably the only void that guy hasn't filled.

If you were alive in the '80s, you'll remember The Coreys who starred in many teen movies together - Feldman and Haim. The former was the nerdy-looking kid who morphed into a coked-up Michael Jackson wannabe and the latter was the Tiger Beat-friendly, slack-jawed boy who morphed into a coked-up...uh...coke-head. While Feldman was known for his roles in Stand By Me and The Goonies, and Haim for Lucas and that totally bogus Stephen King werewolf flick, The Coreys' shared path to '80s greatness began with their onscreen pairing in the totally rad vampire flick, The Lost Boys. After that came the sadly underrated License to Drive, which was hilarious in spite of Heather Graham's presence, the horrific Dream a Little Dream, the thankfully unseen by me National Lampoon's Last Resort and the sequel no one asked for, Dream a Little Dream 2. They were best buds on-screen and off who boozily followed each other down that clichéd child-star path to the Land of Unemployed Bitterness.

Both Coreys have been through their shit and now seem bent on finding their celeb status again. Feldog kicked his drug habit, stopped raiding Jacko's wardrobe, hit up all the reality TV shows that would have him and somehow managed to find himself a wife. (If you're wondering who would marry Corey Feldman, please reserve all judgment until you learn a little bit about the Missus.) The Haimster took a bit longer to straighten up, going through a fat-guy-who-lives-with-his-mom phase, before turning clean and sober. Now they are ready for the next phase in their lives - reliving old glory days while whoring themselves out and refusing to grow up. Praise be to the TV Gods!

Now that you're properly caught up, on with the show...

Episode 1, The Reunion - Corey Feldman and his wife, Susie, invite Corey Haim to stay with them for a few weeks. Quickly, we discover that this is meant to be a modern-day "Odd Couple" with Feldog as Mr. Prissy Pants and The Haimster as Mr. Slobby Slacks. We also learn that the neat-freak vs. slob conflict is not the only one going on between the Coreys. Haim reveals that he hasn't been laid since...I dunno...the late '80s, while Feldman blissfully prances around with a neon "WHIPPED" sign above his head.

Cracker of the whip, Susie, is basically a stick figure with a head full of helium and two balloons full of saline. She's also a PETA freak. Feldog is also a PETA freak. I don't know if one influenced the other, but does it really matter? Just two more annoying people in the world who expect me to feel guilty that animal flesh is delicious. Susie invites an even crazier PETA freak over for dinner and, since it's a big deal to her, she immediately starts worrying that the uncouth, carniverous Haim will ruin the whole night. She jibber jabbers to Haim about how eating meat is really "ingesting the bad karma from the animal who suffered" in the creation of that meal. Up until now, I was kind of annoyed by The Haimster's frenetic, childish attitude but now I'm actually starting to feel for the guy for having to put up with such a hostess.

Of course, the vegan of honor just happened to be an attractive woman around The Coreys' age. How nice for the horny Haimster. Susie starts to sweat when Haim blatantly hits on PETA chick, and then just about loses her mind when he has pizza delivered for himself. For some reason, while Haim was flirting out by the hot tub, Susie broke down and sobbed to her husband that his best bud was totally out of line. Oh no! A single meat-eating guy is flirting with a vegan girl! The world is about to cave in! Susie manages to turn nothing into a huge, dramatic scene and she, not The Haimster, ends up being the idiot who makes everyone uncomfortable.

Finally, everyone makes up. Awww.

Episode 2, Lost Boys - The Coreys are invited to the 20th Anniversary screening of The Lost Boys, while Susie's biggest dream comes true via a phone call letting her know that she's been chosen to appear in Stuff magazine. Right away, this causes a problem because the boys are supposed to do a radio station promo for the screening which only Haim shows up for because Feldman has to hold his wife's hand while she talks to the Stuff people about her (lack of) wardrobe choices for the upcoming shoot. The Haimster is pissed. I can't really say I blame him. Feldog is really a little girl. Siamese spouses are the worst.

Turns out, Haim's goal right now is to write a sequel to The Lost Boys with Feldman, even though he clearly has A.D.D. and could never be depended upon to sit down and come up with any kind of cohesive storyline. This is all he talks about up until and during the screening of the film, where The Coreys and Susie meet up with Jamison Newlander, who played the other Frog brother. (I'll bet that if Jamison had changed his name to Corey when The Lost Boys came out, we would all know who he is.) Newlander and Haim are totally into the sequel idea and Feldman kind of plays along, but seems to just be humoring them. The Haimster hands out autographs and takes pics with fans while Feldog sits there and pants over his wife's breasts. Then Susie, who may be a bigger attention whore than both Coreys put together - if that's possible, inexplicably takes a white marker and writes her name on the movie screening poster as if anyone is coming there to see her. Haim just about pops a vein over this and becomes increasingly agitated by Susie's constant presence, as do I. Whipped Corey won't even go out for a night on the town with his friend, Jamison, whom he never sees, because he has to go home and snuggle with Tits McGee. (I'm starting to think that the couple really has been surgically grafted together with some sort of invisible membrane.) Haim's vein pushes further toward its breaking point over this "blow-off", lamenting that marriage has turned his best bud into a dud.

Feldman invites Newlander over for breakfast the next day and I try not to imagine what nastiness vegetarians eat instead of eggs and bacon. They catch up a bit and, after the other Frog brother leaves, the subject of the sequel comes up again. Feldog takes The Haimster into another room and breaks the news to him (and me!) that there already is a sequel in the works. Warner Brothers is making one without them. Well, not quite. Seems that they did ask Feldman to do a cameo, which he turned down because he wouldn't do it without his bud. TPTB never even entertained the thought of putting Haim in the movie. The Haimster openly weeps, realizing that he still has a long way to go to repair his damaged reputation.

All crying ceases when Haim disappears for a walk. Then, the ginormous crew from Stuff shows up, and Feldman can only beam proudly while his scantily-clad wife writhes around on various pieces of furniture. As the couple basks in the afterglow of T&A, The Haimster returns bearing a gift. To make up for the fact that he never bought them a wedding present, and for tracking mud all through the house, he presents them with a Tiffany vase.

Finally, everything is cool. Awwww.

Hey! I wonder what would happen if a smoker and a recent non-smoker lived together? I bet the results would be hilarious! Well, find out next week...on The Two Coreys!