Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Toor-Allure-a-Lie

I have some fantastic news for you, my lovely readers. I was recently asked to pose for some photos in Allure magazine, as part of their "Bodacious Babes of Blogdom" spread. And, as Tyra Banks would say, here's my best shot...



What, you don't believe that's really me? Ok, you caught me. It's Britney Spears. But, come on, it actually looks more like me than it does Britney. Hell, with all that's been manipulated in this photo, it could very well be Abe Vigoda. The "making of" this picture should really be featured in the next Dove "Evolution" ad.

While Brit could fake the pix, there was no faking the accompanying interview. Since Spears never bothered to show up for any of her appointments with Allure's Judith Newman, the writer just turned in an essay about her thwarted attempts to meet with America's Favorite Train Wreck. Brit had plenty of lame reasons for not showing up and, not surprisingly, not one of them involved spending time with her kids. One of her excuses was that she was held up by "important work in the recording studio." Mmm hmm. Look, unless Britney has taken a job as a cleaning woman at a recording studio, she has no "important" work to do there. She's never done anything of any value there before, and odds are that she never will. Proving that point, the pap tracked her down a few hours later - not at the studio - but at a salon getting her nails done. (Brit's a big fan of the Cheeto powder extraction-and-French manicure combo deal.) In response to all this mess, Allure editor-in-chief declared that, "Britney has long lost her role-model status." I'm sorry, did I black out for a few years? When was Britney a role model? This is like saying that K-Fed has lost his "respected musician" status.

And for anyone who has been wondering what K-Fed has been up to, he just landed a recurring role on One Tree Hill as a "cocky rock singer." Those of you who don't think that's much of an acting stretch obviously haven't heard any of his "music."

Oh, and look! Not to be outdone by his ex, K-Fed recently posed for a spread in GQ.

20 comments:

Doc said...

Re: K-fed. In what way is this fashionable? This is the kind of thing I wear to put the trash out when everything else is in the wash. Stupid boobs, the both of them.

Doc

Doc said...

P.S.- You look much better than she ever will and I totally believed it was you in the photo.

Doc

Beth said...

Your Tilbrook tryst landed you that Allure gig, didn't it?

I wonder if Brit realizes she's done and just a joke ...

cube said...

Bitt-Nee is clueless. She doesn't realize much of anything.

Writeprocrastinator said...

"What, you don't believe that's me?"

Naw, you are one-hundred times sexier and only 1/100th as nuts. Y'all do have K-Fed in common, though.

Rhet said...

Abe Vigoda?

Hahahahahahaha!
You wear the crown of BP with honour and distinction, if not with the proper vernacular.

Alice said...

that's not ACTUALLY kfed in that bottom picture, is it?? i'm assuming we're being all tongue-in-cheek here? because not that i spend a lot of time looking at pictures of him, but i certainly didn't think he was blond.

Bubs said...

Ah, celebrity train wrecks. It's a comfort that they're out there, making my life seem so much healthier and fuller in comparison.

Thanks!

Bond said...

ummmm "role model" for what, over exposed, under-talented, wreck of a mother, egotistical slut?

I didn't know there was a role model for that.

Turnbaby said...

Um---EWWWW

you are far hotter sugar

Smooch

Les Becker said...

Brit was a role model - of precisely the wrong kind, which I found out when I discovered my kid at SIX-YEARS-OLD wearing a pair of high heels and a towel in the back lane belting out "Oops, I Did It Again" at the top of her lungs.

F-ing role models...

Artful Dodger said...

OMG! Somebody must've spent a few days photo shopping all the errors out of that picture. You're 100% right, it looks nothing like her at all. I didn't even know till you said it was. That pics got that fake pinup pornstar thing going on. (pinup pornstar...is that an oximoron?) :P

BeckEye said...

Doc - That's not really K-Fed. I was trying to be funny. I guess it's not funny if you don't know what the real doofus looks like. The guy in the picture is actually a poorly dressed male model. And thank you for the compliment!

Beth - Mmmm, tryst. Ah. If only.

Cube - She probably doesn't even know that's a picture of her.

WP - Well, thanks for the sexy part but I was kind of hoping I was a little crazier than that.

Rhet - My go-to guy used to be Ernest Borgnine, but he's dead now. Actually, Abe Vigoda is probably dead too, but he didn't have as big a place in my heart.

Alice - No. Tongue firmly planted in cheek. You're right, K-Fed is not blonde, and furthermore no one really wants to take a picture of him.

Bubs - All aboard.

Bond - Well, that would make sense considering how many of those types of chicks are floating around out there these days.

Turnbaby - Why, thank you!

Les - Hmm, sounds like your daughter has been more influenced by those soap commercials where everyone walks around in towels with that "shower fresh feeling all daaaaay." Sorry, can't remember what soap. Zest. Dial. New Dial with more Zest. Does it matter?

Writeprocrastinator said...

"WP - Well, thanks for the sexy part but I was kind of hoping I was a little crazier than that."

My impression that I got of you during dinner could be wrong, but you don't strike me as the kiss shave your head and attack people with umbrellas-type.

Though I'd bet that you'd marry Charlie Schlatter (sp?) for a weekend, right?

Rhet said...

What about Karl 'Bulbous Nose' Mulden is he chopped liver?

Barbara (aka Layla) said...

I had just taken a sip of water when I started this post and now its on the computer screen. I am not sure if it was a "ha ha ha" laugh of a "this is the epitome of fake, low, stupid, idiotic, lame" laugh. I used to like that magazine. Yukko.

You are way hotter than BS on every level. Photo-shop really should be sued for malpractice or something.

Coaster Punchman said...

Y'all better be careful before you drag Abe Vigoda into this. I am vested emotionally there. He is my muse.

wonderturtle said...

Huh. She grew her hair back. I'm kind of bummed.

An80sNut said...

I actually heard some of her new song and yes, she isn't doing anything important in the studio. Then she turns down recording with Timberlake, who still has a career and is a hot producer right now.

Perplexio said...

Actually that picture is neither Britney nor Abe Vigoda... That my friend is another Abe entirely... That is Abe Froman... as in Abe Froman "The Sausage King of Chicago."

 

Who Does This Broad Think She Is?

My photo
I am a winsome muse who was sent to Earth to inspire an artist to turn a vacant building into the world's coolest disco roller rink. We fell in love along the way, and I foolishly gave up my immortality. When the disco craze ended and all the roller rinks were shut down, that lazy bum wouldn't get a job. We broke up and I was stuck on Earth with nothing to do and no one to inspire. So, now I write a blog.

What Do Others Think of BeckEye?

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