Monday, August 06, 2007

The Two Coreys: Week 2

Before I begin my recap - have you all entered this month's caption contest yet? No? Well, don't just sit there like Corey Haim with your mouth hanging open! Give me your best line!

And now on with the show...

Episode 3 - "Cold Turkey"
This week, the "partially scripted" show is really feeling like a two-man (and a little lady) play with absolutely no "reality" at all. We open on Susie, bitching that she can smell smoke in the house. She complains to Feldog that he needs to tell that other Corey again that he can't smoke in the house. Feldman stands there with a sheepish grin on his face and tries to tell Susie that he can't smell anything. A few minutes later we see Feldman, not Haim, outside smoking! But waaaaait a minute...he's supposed to have quit! D'oh!!

After Susie inevitably catches the two Coreys smoking together, she hatches a few plans for them to both quit. They try nicotine gum first and spit it out immediately. Then they go to a hypnotist. Hypnosis has no effect, which is illustrated in dorky sit-com fashion with a scene showing Feldman and Haim exiting his office and immediately lighting up. Har har har.

Finally, Susie sends the guys away to a "sweat lodge," which sounds much dirtier than it is. Basically it's a tarp tied between trees out in the woods with some rocks inside, resulting in a makeshift sauna. Feldog almost doesn't go because he can't bear the idea of being away from his plaything for even half of a day. (This is when I start having sympathy nausea along with the Haimster.) After much whining and moaning, Feldman finally gets to the sweat lodge with Haim in tow and they meet their spiritual Indian guide. Never has it been more obvious that this show is shot in California, because this Indian isn't quite the mystic I was expecting. He looks like the manager at just about any Home Depot. Still, he's got a peace pipe so I guess he's legit. He turns the Coreys' smoking-cessation program into a sweaty, half-naked, soul-cleansing, peacemaking love-fest. Again, that sounds much dirtier than it is.

Susie actually goes out with friends and has a few drinks while the boys are away. However, as the night goes on she keeps talking about how she shouldn't be out and needs to get home before she gets in trouble. Cut to Feldog coming home and immediately going into a tizzy over Susie's whereabouts. She didn't leave a note? She didn't call? She actually left the house without her shock collar?? Luckily, Susie returns before Feldman can remember where he left his spine and balls. If he got those back, it could spell disaster for this show as we know it.

Finally, Feldog and Susie snuggle while the Haimster puffs away on a cancer stick, outside. Awwwww.

Episode 4 - "Surprise Party"
The Haimster is turning 35. We discover that Susie will also be eleven years. Things are making much more sense now. We also discover that Susie often parades around in a tank top that reads, "Corey Feldman Rocks." Ah, it's so nice to see a man taking responsibility for the way his child is raised.

Before Haim's b-day, he decides that he wants to get a new driver's license. The Coreys go to the DMV. Many License to Drive jokes are made. Haim hits on the DMV chick, who is not an angry, bitter troll. Yep, this is soooo scripted.

Susie and Mr. Susie decide to throw the Haimster a surprise party, inviting his mom and several strippers. Before the planning starts, Haim announces to Feldman that he's having "heart problems," and Feldman responds as if they're talking about the weather. Eventually, they go to the doctor and we never really find out what Haim's problem is. He just rattles off a laundry list of the drugs he's taken throughout his life and the doctor nods blankly. I guess it's not that serious. The surprise party is on!

While Feldog picks the Haimster's mom up at the airport, Susie keeps Haim occupied by taking him to the hair salon so he can get rid of the blonde streaks he's had since 1986. Haim's mom puts the kibosh on the stripper party, so everyone decides to have an ice-hockey party. Well, actually a broom-ball party at an ice-hockey rink. No one gets their teeth knocked out. Sorry.

Finally, everyone squirts the 35 year-old Haimster with silly string and then there are hugs all around. Awwwwww.


Bond said...

you know I clicked onto this on Saturday and sat there stunned that these two knuckleheads have a TV show... what a bazaar thing...and like a train wreck...I watched....

Rhet said...

"...No one gets their teeth knocked out. Sorry...."

Admit it Beckeye,
Canadian hockey players with their front teeth missing are hot.

"....the DMV chick, who is not an angry, bitter troll. Yep...."

And people say I am the sarcastic and demented one 'round these parts. said...

Hey EYE, i'm about your age (ish) and i absolutely LOVED the coreys in the 80's. i got really excited when i heard the show was coming on. i think you're bing a little hard on those dudes. by the way you have failed to point out that Feldog wears his sun glasses 24 hrs a day, at night, in the house, at 9 am just waking up to go yell at Haim for smoking in the house. you also failed to mention that Feldog cannot stop saying DUDE. it is wierd. oh, and here's one for you to figure out, Mr. and Mrs. susie have a two year old child!!!!!!!!!!!! where the hell is it? oh, and why does Feldog have a movie poster in every room of his house of one of HIS movies? wierd. last one, help me with this one. in the opening intro every show, they say Feldog is a 'working' actor. um, really? seriously? 'working'. working on tapping that ass maybe, but that's about it. hey, i did say i like these two and the show right? it may not seem like i do, but i am for anything that diverts attention from lyndsey loHANABLE, nicole bitchie and paris WHOREton. keep them out of the news, bring the coreys back. and i bet by the end of the season, (if it lasts that long) we will see a Feldog Michael Jackson impression, no?

Molie said...

They could've just used a nicotine patch. But then wacky hijinks wouldn't ensue, and really what fun it that?


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