Sunday, September 09, 2007

Britney Helps Take M(ediocrity) TV to the Next Level

You always hear that phrase, "taking it to the next level." With its VMAs tonight, which are only 12 minutes old as I write this, MTV has definitely reached the next level. Well, sort of. You know how back in the old days of Pac-Man and Centipede, when you got through all of the levels you could turn the game over and start back at the beginning? That's what I'm talking about. MTV may just have to go back to the beginning and start from scratch. They may just have to admit that they haven't just jumped the shark, but that they've been devoured, mashed up into little bits, digested and shat out by the shark, the remnants of which have been disseminated throughout the ocean as little particles which have been eaten by many smaller fish and shat out many more times.

Let's start with the highly anticipated opening performance by Britney. I'm not sure I can even express my thoughts on that display in a coherent manner. First of all, the first thing all the viewers saw was a nice tight shot of her horrible weave. Secondly, Brit's wardrobe choice was much less inspired than any of my suggestions from yesterday's poll. I mean, a sparkly bra and panty set with knee-high boots? That's like business-casual these days. If we can't count on Britney to bring the smut, who can we count on? And hey, I give the girl props for working out, but her body is not back to bra and panty-parading shape just yet.

Brit's bland appearance should have tipped everyone off to the mind-numbing performance that was to follow. I seriously just sat there with my mouth hanging open, occasionally uttering the only words that would come...Is this for real? Is this the rehearsal?? I can't even describe the complete lack of energy that was coming from that VMA stage tonight. Brit's dancing can only be categorized as lackadaisical, at best. MTV could have called me up a minute before the show started and asked me to fill in and I could have done a better job. My roommate was convinced that she was high and/or injured, which are both reasonable assumptions. Her lip synching didn't even seem to be in synch! That "performance" seriously looked like an outtake from the first day of rehearsals on Making the Band. Brit didn't even give me anything to make fun of...there was absolutely nothing there. The most entertaining part of the performance was seeing the befuddled expressions on some of the audience members' faces.

Oh, and where the hell were all the Mindfreak-y special effects that were promised? There were some mildly interesting graphics on a big screen and stripper poles installed on a few tables in the audience. That was it. Was the performance supposed to represent a strip-club party? If I were a stripper, I'd be pretty damn insulted.

Before my shock and disbelief had a chance to wear off, out came Sarah Silverman to give what was, quite possibly, the worst monologue on any show, anywhere, ever. This actually kind of pleased me because I've always seen this chick for the hack that she is and it boggles my mind that she has a career or fans. Watching her die a slow death on the stage was mildly satisfying, but I'm sure as long as she keeps banging that other hack, Jimmy Kimmel, she will still get to pretend to be a professional comedian on many more crappy TV shows to come.

I'm only half-watching the show now and, oh, there's Beyonce with her boobs about to pop out. And there's that turd, Adam Levine trying to look all hard. I'm flipping over to VH-1 now for Rock of Love. That that train-wreck is the preferable alternative really says something. If MTV has any advertisers left after tonight, I'll be amazed.

22 comments:

Tanya Espanya said...

I just said to Dale, don't tell me what's happening because I want to see it tomorrow and then I came over here to read what you wrote and now I can delete the show and leave some space on the PVR for stuff like....I dunno...nothing, maybe?

Barbara Bruederlin said...

While I am disappointed that there is no dirt to gnaw on, I would like to thank you for saving my Sunday evening. TV stays off.

chelene said...

I keep watching the clip hoping it will get better. On further review, I suspect what happened is that Britney had a few drinks to kill the nervousness not realizing that the booze would also kill the brain cells in charge of lipsynching and dancing.

Flannery Alden said...

The worst part was, I watched it with my children (I know, bad Mommy!) and Riley started singing "Gimme, gimme, gimme."

Writeprocrastinator said...

I'm so glad I'm watching the Cowboys decimate the Giants instead of another failed VMA.

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

After reading this, I'm thankful to not have cable TV. (But, I enjoyed the article! And esp. the shark metaphor.)

Happy Villain said...

I'm glad to see you didn't sit through the whole thing.

I would imagine it would have done her career a heap of good if she actually came out fully and tastefully clothed and tried to put on a decent dance show. It only goes to show that the bad publicity she's gotten that has made her look more and more like a trailer ho gone pro, she must approve of. Remember the good old days when Madonna was the trashiest thing around, and even she seemed to have some self respect? *Sigh* ...Memories...

Karen said...

You captured the visual disaster that was Ms. Spears' performance perfectly. Embarassingly I'll admit I didn't HATE the new song but what was up with the dancing? I don't know if you could even call it dancing. At first she seemed bored and then she couldn't keep up. One report i read first thing this morning went on and on about how she doesn't have the tight hot body that made her famous - frankly this pisses me off. She looked fine and I'd prefer that she is a bit "chunkier" than other stars her age (note: she's far from chunky, she looks healthier than most). However, it seems that everyone is wondering WTF?

Great review as always.

LoraLoo said...

I taped it and will end up watching it anyway, just because I'm such a creature of habit and never miss this award show.

I am surprised Mtv even gave her airtime, she's not been anything but a tabloid headliner for how long now?

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Don't hold back, tell us what you really think.

Skylers Dad said...

I watched back to back repeat shows of Family Guy, that's how interested I was in VMA.

cube said...

I knew you'd have a hilarious post about Britt-Nee today & you didn't disappoint.

Hee hee.

I caught a clip & I actually felt bad for her. It was awful.

BTW I agree about Silver-Steen-Blatt being a hack. I have nothing against shocking dialog... when it's funny! She always forgets that part.

An80sNut said...

I'm actually happy that I didn't waste any time watching the MTV Awards this year. Sure, driving by a car wreck slowly comes from a very normal morbid fascination but this is like driving by the same wreck and knowing that neither had insurance. I guess she needed to fall much further to really announce a comeback.

gizmorox said...

I'm so happy you think Silverman is a hack too. God she's horrid.

I watched the Britney debacle and couldn't stay tuned for anything else. Every so often I flipped back, got appalled by some Fall Out Boy somethingorother and change the channel again. Yikes.

Malcolm: said...

Oh yeah, the train wreck that is Britney was in full effect at the VMAs. Beckeye, you commented on my blog that Patsy Cline rolled over in her grave during Britney's performance. Well, if Patsy wasn't already dead, last night's debacle would have killed her.

Does anyone else find it ironic that a channel that hardly shows music videos still has a video music awards show?

Dale said...

This is where my train leaves the tracks, although Sarah Silverman was pretty bad last night, I generally like her. Fire away.

Alice said...

haaaaa. i didn't watch the VMAs, but this recap was far better than actually having to sit through it.

pistols at dawn said...

Here's how I know I'm old: I don't give one great big goddamn about the VMAs, even if it provides the option to watch a train wreck.

As for the weight thing: a lot of Americans (probably 80%) are 80% fatter than that. I'm not saying it's a good wardrobe choice, but we can't all hide our shame with Costco-sized potato sacks.

Molie said...

Wow, just wow. I've given better performances as a teenager lip syncing into my hairbrush.

Turnbaby said...

This actually kind of pleased me because I've always seen this chick for the hack that she is and it boggles my mind that she has a career or fans. Watching her die a slow death on the stage was mildly satisfying, but I'm sure as long as she keeps banging that other hack, Jimmy Kimmel, she will still get to pretend to be a professional comedian on many more crappy TV shows to come.




Thrilled someone fonally said it!!

Amy said...

I just watched the Brit thing... and I had the same reaction as you and Fiddy. What the hell was that?

I agree about Sarah, too.

Moxie said...

I agree about Sarah Silverman, too. She is mean-spirited and completely unfunny.

I read that the VMA producers said they couldn't do the illusions that Britney had planned, so at the last minute they had to choreograph a new number and Brit was none too pleased.

 

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