Britney Helps Take M(ediocrity) TV to the Next Level

You always hear that phrase, "taking it to the next level." With its VMAs tonight, which are only 12 minutes old as I write this, MTV has definitely reached the next level. Well, sort of. You know how back in the old days of Pac-Man and Centipede, when you got through all of the levels you could turn the game over and start back at the beginning? That's what I'm talking about. MTV may just have to go back to the beginning and start from scratch. They may just have to admit that they haven't just jumped the shark, but that they've been devoured, mashed up into little bits, digested and shat out by the shark, the remnants of which have been disseminated throughout the ocean as little particles which have been eaten by many smaller fish and shat out many more times.

Let's start with the highly anticipated opening performance by Britney. I'm not sure I can even express my thoughts on that display in a coherent manner. First of all, the first thing all the viewers saw was a nice tight shot of her horrible weave. Secondly, Brit's wardrobe choice was much less inspired than any of my suggestions from yesterday's poll. I mean, a sparkly bra and panty set with knee-high boots? That's like business-casual these days. If we can't count on Britney to bring the smut, who can we count on? And hey, I give the girl props for working out, but her body is not back to bra and panty-parading shape just yet.

Brit's bland appearance should have tipped everyone off to the mind-numbing performance that was to follow. I seriously just sat there with my mouth hanging open, occasionally uttering the only words that would come...Is this for real? Is this the rehearsal?? I can't even describe the complete lack of energy that was coming from that VMA stage tonight. Brit's dancing can only be categorized as lackadaisical, at best. MTV could have called me up a minute before the show started and asked me to fill in and I could have done a better job. My roommate was convinced that she was high and/or injured, which are both reasonable assumptions. Her lip synching didn't even seem to be in synch! That "performance" seriously looked like an outtake from the first day of rehearsals on Making the Band. Brit didn't even give me anything to make fun of...there was absolutely nothing there. The most entertaining part of the performance was seeing the befuddled expressions on some of the audience members' faces.

Oh, and where the hell were all the Mindfreak-y special effects that were promised? There were some mildly interesting graphics on a big screen and stripper poles installed on a few tables in the audience. That was it. Was the performance supposed to represent a strip-club party? If I were a stripper, I'd be pretty damn insulted.

Before my shock and disbelief had a chance to wear off, out came Sarah Silverman to give what was, quite possibly, the worst monologue on any show, anywhere, ever. This actually kind of pleased me because I've always seen this chick for the hack that she is and it boggles my mind that she has a career or fans. Watching her die a slow death on the stage was mildly satisfying, but I'm sure as long as she keeps banging that other hack, Jimmy Kimmel, she will still get to pretend to be a professional comedian on many more crappy TV shows to come.

I'm only half-watching the show now and, oh, there's Beyonce with her boobs about to pop out. And there's that turd, Adam Levine trying to look all hard. I'm flipping over to VH-1 now for Rock of Love. That that train-wreck is the preferable alternative really says something. If MTV has any advertisers left after tonight, I'll be amazed.