Monday, October 01, 2007

Eye Boogers

Like the goop that's always accumulating in the corners of our eyes, the following news stories are curiously fascinating:

K-Fed Tells Britney, "Gimme Gimme the Kids" - For fans of anticlimactic news, all these months (years?) of crazy finally caught up with Britney Spears today when she was ordered to give up custody of her two boys, Sean Preston and Jayden James, to her Fed-ex. When reached for comment, Brit said, "Woooo dawgies! Party tonight at Pure, y'all!"

When They Said 28 Days, She Didn't Think They Meant "In a Row" - Lindsay already needs another vacation from rehab, and her formerly estranged father is more than happy to arrange the trip. Suddenly everything is peachy keen with Li-Lo and her old man, and they're planning a 5-day getaway to Utah for some QT - no matter that the littlest firecrotch is in the middle of detox. Well, you know what they say...Father knows best! I remember all the times my Dad pulled me out of the clinic to go party in the mountains. Those were some of the greatest times of my life. Family bonding. That's almost better than heroin. Almost. Oh, who am I kidding, it doesn't even come close!

Keith Urban is a Stupid Boy - Urban is the latest celeb to blame the pap for causing a fender-bender. Keith was out tooling around on his motorcycle when he spotted a photog following him. Of course, Keith decided that endangering his life at top speed was preferable to letting the guy snap a blurry picture of him cruising down the highway. Heaven forbid someone take a picture of a celebrity. Why do these idiot famous people, who live in the papers and magazines, always suddenly decide that they're shy when they're in their cars? And why do they drive around on motorcycles and in flashy convertibles if they don't want to be seen? Drive a shitty Ford Taurus with dirty windows if you want to be left alone, moron!

Danny Tanner Drowsily Chaperones D.J. to the Big Dance - Bob Saget is joining the cast of the Broadway musical, "The Drowsy Chaperone." Bob Saget. On Broadway. I hear the cockroaches are even refusing to set antenna in Midtown. Next thing you know, Dave Coulier will be playing Hamlet.

Dave Coulier to Star in New Movie Adaptation of Hamlet - Psych!


LoraLoo said...

All I can say is I feel so sad for Britney's boys. Wow do they have a rough road ahead...

Happy Villain said...

I read your line, "Urban is the latest celeb to blame the pap for causing a fender-bender," and almost spit Coke onto my computer. Keeping up with celeb gossip only through your blog, I didn't know "pap" meant anything other than the smear kind. My mind flew to images of... oh, never mind. I'm glad he was trying to outrun the cameramen and not a big Q-tip and speculum.

Anonymous said...

I'm happy K-Fed doesn't have to do Burger King ads anymore. Now Britney Sugar Mamma can pay him child support.

How do I enpregnate a rich woman file for divorce get money and kids???


Beth said...

My friend has theorized that Brit didn't want her kids, that she'd rather be her natural party-slut self, so she did everything she could to lose them.

But is she that smart ...?

Moxie said...

Apparently Lindsay ain't got the time, and if her daddy thinks she's fine, then she doesn't need to go to rehab, no, no, no.

Bond said...

Will K-Fed be bringing them to the local burger joint he is working at?

OH, that was just a commercial you say? I think NOT!

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

I didn't know they call her Li-Lo.

Anonymous said...

WHY do I feel sorry for Britney?

pistols at dawn said...

Is there no room in this world for a woman who just loves to party naked and make questionable decision after questionable decision?

There certainly is in my pants, if not this world.

Also, what kind of weird world are we living in where That Guy Who Says "Leave Britney ALONE!" On YouTube is now a bigger star than the fading celebrity he was complaining about? Meta, bro.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Beckeye honey, when are you going to make a "leave the poor firecrotch alone" video? Those poor celebs need your help.

deadspot said...

I'm pretty sure that "The Littlest Firecrotch" is playing on the Disney Channel right now.

Perplexio said...

It's really sad when K-Fed may likely be the BETTER custodial parent. I can only imagine what his sperm were thinking at the 2 conceptions...

"I was hoping he was just masturbating again! I don't want to be the cause of the unholy spawn of those 2 yahoos!"

As for Bob Saget on Broadway... He saw how it worked for John Stamos and wanted to give it a try himself.

Dale said...

All I could do was laugh and laugh at each of these items. That is all. Clever girl.


Who Does This Broad Think She Is?

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I am a winsome muse who was sent to Earth to inspire an artist to turn a vacant building into the world's coolest disco roller rink. We fell in love along the way, and I foolishly gave up my immortality. When the disco craze ended and all the roller rinks were shut down, that lazy bum wouldn't get a job. We broke up and I was stuck on Earth with nothing to do and no one to inspire. So, now I write a blog.

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