Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Eye Boogers

Like the goop that's always accumulating in the corners of our eyes, the following news stories are curiously fascinating:

Lindsay Lohan is 'Master of the Obvious' - Li-Lo summed up her latest stint in rehab by stating, "It was a sobering experience." Not that I even fully believe her but, uhhhh, isn't that the point of rehab? Do you think she's finally figured this out? One thing she hasn't figured out is how to take responsibility for her own actions. She's blaming everyone from her parents to her party friends for her sorry state, vowing not to hang out with the wrong crowd anymore. Didn't Paris say that same thing when she got out of prison? And who did she start partying with again? Lindsay! So, who's corrupting who here?

A Marriage Made in PornoTube Heaven - Pamela Anderson got hitched over the weekend to Rick Salomon, best known as "that dude" in the Paris Hilton sex tape or "that dude" who was married to Shannen Doherty. eHarmony couldn't have designed a better couple than this one. I mean, here are two people who both have supremely bad taste, a penchant for videotaping their disgusting trysts and somehow got famous despite having little to no talent. And since recent rumors suggested that Paris was hooking up with Pam's ex-hubby #2, Kid Rock, this coupling makes perfect sense. Hopefully, all four of them will go hot tubbing some night and dissolve in that bubbling cauldron of STDs. Now if we could only get Shannen Doherty together with Tommy Lee so they could beat each other to death.

Radiohead Makes Lars Ulrich Look Like Even More of a Creep and a Weirdo - Radiohead recently released their latest album, In Rainbows, independently on their website, allowing fans to pay as much as they want for it. Of course, some idiots are already complaining that the bit rate isn't high enough, even though it's higher than the default iTunes bit rate. Morons aside, with bands like Nine Inch Nails and Oasis already following Radiohead's lead, this bold move promises to make music the center of the music industry again. Imagine!

Britney's New Video Picks Up Where the VMAs Left Off - For all the Red Bull Brit supposedly drinks, she hasn't seemed to have much energy lately. Forgetting to put on underwear, trudging through her VMA performance, sleeping through the mandatory drug tests that could've won her custody of her kids...and now this phoned-in video. I was in a female strip club once. Those chicks work. They're like acrobats. Dirty, slutty, shameless acrobats, but impressive nonetheless. They must be completely offended by this video. Question: Is that the smart-ass American Pie dude making a 2-second cameo? More important question: Why hasn't Burger King moved Heaven and Earth to buy the rights to this song??

Jayden James's Future Girlfriend is Born - Whoever is crazy enough to sleep with Nick Nolte just gave birth to his daughter. And nothing I could say would be nearly as funny as the linked photo. Oh, the Photoshopping geniuses at Best Week Ever. Is there anything they can't do?


pistols at dawn said...

I hate seeing the good name of hardworking strippers dragged through the mud.

I prefer kiddie pools of Jell-O.

chelene said...

The production values on Tommy and Pam's sex video were better than that Britney video. Low-budget doesn't even cover it.

anandamide said...

I actually had a moment of sympathy for Brit (we're close, I can call her that). I watched a video of her entering some sushi joint with her sister and there must have been 100 photographers circling her, taking pictures and getting in her face.

That's gotta make you wanna stop smoking meth....

Anonymous said...

WTF... Nick Nolte? EWWW!

And the kids name is Clytie? That sounds so Appalachian.

Happy Villain said...

You are my current favorite person in the world just for conjuring in my mind the image of Tommy Lee and Shannen Doherty beating each other to death. That is the happiest thought I've had all day.

(I wonder what Tommy would use to beat her with...)

Doc said...

Thanks for the heads up on the world of pop culture. You put Access Hollywood to shame.


Skylers Dad said...

Well done! Can you please look into doing a video or podcast of this valuable information? I would make it my must see of the week!

cube said...

What a smorgasbord of celebrity dish today.

I thought Lindsay was being funny, but then I'm easily amused.

Pam/Rick/Paris/Kid dissolving in the cauldron of STDs is gold, beckeye, gold.

radiohead... don't care.

brit-ney... ZZZZZ ZZZZZ *cricket noise* cricket noise*

I see therapy in Baby Nolte's future for soooo many reasons. Clytie?

Anonymous said...

You are too funny to be an accountant.

X. Dell said...

I'm closely following the Radiohead story, because what they're doing could truly revolutionize and jumpstart a moribund music industry. I wouldn't be suprised if some of the complainers you talk about might actually be industry shills, who are trying to make a case that circumventing the labels is pointless.

Kudos to you, Beckeye, for pointing this out.

Anonymous said...

Nick Nolte + Clytie = new baby. Honestly, some people will actually do anything or anyone to get 5 minutes of fame.

Excuse me - I'm going to shower now.

Molie said...

Now that Lindsey has (allegedly) cleaned up her act here's hoping she goes back to her natural hair color, the blonde ages her. I have been confusing her and her mom in pictures more and more. Not good.

Barbara (aka Layla) said...

I saw a segment on some show last night and the latest is that Li-lo, Brit and PH are not drug addicts/alcholoics they are attention addicts. All I can say to that is DUH.

Pam Anderson - i just don't get it.

Nick Nolte - remember when he wasn't gross and sickening? If so you have a good memory, its been a loooooooooooooong time.

Barbara (aka Layla) said...

HA! Tried to look at the pic you have linked (the last one here) and my office has it banned. Must be good. I guess that's what I get for doing this at work. I get to leave in FIVE long minutes....

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Sorry Beckeye, you mention Radiohead and I immediately forget everything else I have just read. I don't believe that Radiohead went this route to be intentionally revolutionary, but I am chuffed to see that others are following suit. This will have an enormous impact (for the better!) on the music industry.

Good point, x dell; I can't imagine real Radiohead fans complaining about the quality of something which they can receive for free, particularly as most of us are buying the discbox anyway.

Beth said...

Who needs Paste and Perez H when we have BeckEye?

Dale said...

It's time everyone got behind Nick Nolte and then push!

Moxie said...

I don't understand why Britney didn't go the Lindsay route and take pole dancing lessons at The S Factor. This video is just boring. I still like the song, though.

Coaster Punchman said...

Listen Beckeye, you can rip on Brit (I know her too), Lindsay and that slutty Paris all you want, but you leave Shannen Doherty alone! She is a misunderstood late 20th century artistic genius and she must be revered.

BeckEye said...

Pistols - Britney likes Jell-O too.

Chelene - Yeah, you know, why hasn't she made a sex tape yet? It's really all that's left.

Anandamide - They were just amazed that she wasn't eating at McDonald's.

Amy - Yeah...Appalachian or like some kind of little-known STD.

HV - I hear he has a big stick. Heh. Huh huhuhuhuh.

Doc - Pat O'Brien brings shame upon Access Hollywood every day.

Skylers Dad - I will only do a podcast if Dale narrates it.

Cube - But do you think that Lindsay was being funny or purpose? I think she just didn't realize what she was saying. Probably because she was high.

Bluez - I guess it's a good thing I'm not an accountant, then! You must be confusing me with someone who actually understands numbers. :)

X.Dell - That's a good point. Kind of like how when you hear really bad things about a particular service or company and then you find reviews online and there are a few RAVES...and you just know it's someone from that company trying to boost their image.

Suzel - I think Clytie is Greek for "long road ahead, kid."

Molie - Yeah, she looks like shit as a blonde. It totally clashes with her complexion.

Barbara - Nick Nolte is so bad that I tend to get him confused with Gary Busey these days. Oh, and the picture wasn't offensive, but your office probably has Best Week Ever's site banned. If you caught SNL tonight, they totally ripped off the joke on Weekend Update. It was just a baby's face Photoshopped in to Nolte's famous mugshot.

Barbara - Imagine that! You losing your train of thought because of any mention of Radiohead! It's like when someone mentions Eddie Vedder, I....wait...what was I talking about?

Beth - Perez Hilton. Ugh. What a mess.

Dale - Who are you today, Jackie Mason?

Moxie - Ooh, I wanna take pole dancing lessons!

CP - Apparently, you have never seen "Friends 'Til the End" (in which she tried to pass herself off as a singer) or "Satan's School for Girls."

BeckEye said...

ALL - I just read the real Nick Nolte story and it turns out that the baby's name isn't Clytie, that's his girlfriend's name. Maybe they could combine their names to come up with a baby name. Click? Nitie? Yeah, name her "Nitie" if you want her to end up a porn star and "Click" if you want her to become a serial killer.


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