Monday, October 01, 2007

Rock of Love: The Finale

When Poison front-man, Bret Michaels, first started looking for his new love back in July, I promised to post weekly recaps here. Originally, that fell through because the show gave me a tummyache and I stopped watching after the first episode. Somehow, I got sucked back into it somewhere around Week 4 or 5, but didn't feel compelled to blog about it. I'm sure this is just fine by most of you. But, since I gave you the beginning, I will let you all in on how this mess ended on last night's series finale. If you need a little refresher course on the girls Bret had to choose from, you can find it (as well as my early predictions) here.

Turns out I did pretty well with my predictions, although I never imagined at Week 1 that Lacey would've made it all the way to the Top 3. That was a surprise. But, after Tiffany proved to be nothing but a sloppy drunk moron, Lacey stepped up as the token "psycho chick" of the group, assuring her easy ride to at least the Top 5. After Lacey was kicked off, the two girls left were Heather, my early pick to win it all, and Jes, my favorite of the girls who I thought had a decent shot.

Since matters of the heart are best decided in Mexico, Bret took the girls to Cabo San Lucas for their final dates. He took them on a tour of his tequila distillery and then said, "I wanna crash on the beach, you know I wanna make love in the sea..."

No, wait. Hold on. I'm thinking of Sammy Hagar. I'm getting my washed-up blonde rockers mixed up again. Sorry. Pressing on...

When everyone first got to Cabo, they were greeted by some cha cha hoochie dancers, who Heather happily got down with. Bret was a bit miffed that Heather was paying more attention to the chicks than he was, and started to worry that she might dyke out on him at some point. 'Cause, you know, a guy like Bret Michaels would never be into watching his girlfriend get it on with another girl.

Bret, Heather and Jes all had dinner together on the first night and both of the girls opted to take little bites out of each other rather than actually eat any food. Jes put a new spin on Jeff Foxworthy's routine by playing "You might be a lesbian" with Heather, and Heather constantly brought up the fact that Jes was too young for Bret. I was fully prepared to be on Jes's side here, until I found out that she was only 23! Bret is 45 and older than her father. When he was asking the world to talk dirty to him, she was just learning to talk, period. Ick. However, Jes deflected all of Heather's age-related comments by assuring everyone that she was a very mature 23. She also reminded Heather that while she may be closer to Bret's age, she's still a dirty stripper. Then, Bret excused himself from the table so that the girls could have their quality stare-down time.

The next day was all for Bret and Heather. For the first part of their date, Bret took her out to the desert for some dune-buggy action. At some point, Bret started to feel sick and thought he should probably go get something to eat. (In case you don't know, Bret is diabetic.) He told Heather that he didn't feel well and that he wanted to go, but she moaned that she wanted to drive the dune buggy. Bret powered through and let Heather drive like a maniac all over the desert. She didn't seem to care much about his health. Ooh, bad sign. But later, Bret and Heather had a picnic on the beach and Bret felt good enough to do some making out.

That evening, Bret and Heather had a romantic dinner and they talked about their relationship. Bret told Heather that he instantly bonded with her on a "party level," but wondered about her capacity to be in a committed relationship. Heather blurted out that she's in love with him, and he didn't know what to say. He knew what to do though - he took her right back to his room for some unskinny bop!

The following day, Heather did the walk of shame back to her and Jes's room, where she shamelessly blathered on about her date while Jes was trying to eat breakfast. Jes was visibly agitated when Heather asked her if she could smell Bret on her, but without missing a beat spat back, "All I can smell is rotten pussy." Right then and there, Jes became my favorite person on a reality TV show, ever.

Jes then got ready for her day with Bret and, as she was leaving, Heather yelled after her, "Remember when you're kissing him where his mouth was all last night." Oh, that Heather. I don't know whether to high-five her, smack her or just throw up. Jes apparently assumed that Bret brushed and Listerined, because she didn't let any nasty visions keep her from playing tonsil hockey with Bret. Oh, and they were wearing matching baby-blue bandanas! Awwwwwwwww!

For their date, Bret took Jes on a ginormous yacht. Nice. As they were sailing along, Bret pointed out some seals along the shore and remarked that he loves seals. I thought, Hey, I love boats and seals too! Maybe I'm the one for Bret! Wow, I can't believe I just went mental like that. No Bret Michaels for me, thanks. I'll just wait and hope for the Billy Idol reality dating show.

When Jes showed up for her evening dinner date with Bret, he revealed that he was feeling sick again and told her that if he went into insulin shock, she would have to give him an injection. This kind of freaked Jes out and she started crying and said that she didn't want to sit there and talk about her feelings if he wasn't feeling well. Bret took this as a sign that Jes had finally let her guard down and believed that they had finally developed a real bond. And not just on a party level. This was the kind of bonding that called for some naked hot tub action. Amazingly, Bret felt fit as a fiddle as soon as they got back to his suite.

After all the dating and implied sex, the girls went back to L.A. so Bret could mull things over. Some crappy song that he obviously wrote for the show played in the background, emphasizing this tough decision.

Finally, Jes and Heather returned to Bret's house and the show suddenly became less about Bret finding love and more about "good girl vs. bad girl." Do good girls always finish last, or will good always triumph over evil? Do girls with fuschia hair make better girlfriends than those with "'80s-porn hair?" I, and all of America, waited breathlessly to find out the answers.

Bret threw the girls a curveball by asking them if they would both be his girlfriend. He claimed that he cared about them both and didn't want to give either of them up, so why not just share? Anyone with half a brain could've seen that this was a test to find out who was the monogamous type. Obviously, Heather only had about 1/4 of a brain because she fell right into Bret's trap by agreeing to the deal, while Jes refused. Bret let Heather down, and she just glared at him and stormed off without so much as a hug. As she rode off in her limo, she fired off a string of profanities and cursed Bret for taking advantage of her. Then she started kicking herself in the ass for getting Bret's name tattooed on the back of her neck.

So, true tee-vee love and the good girl prevailed. Jes agreed to "rock Bret's world." She could do better. The reunion show is next week. Who wants to bet that they're not dating now? And who wants to bet that it won't be nearly as exciting as when those crazy Charm School bitches get together?


Writeprocrastinator said...

Um, has Bret become the old man that owns "the old man's Ford?"

Skylers Dad said...

"All I can smell is rotten pussy."
I may have to start watching reality TV!

Bond said...

how do i get to be on a show where I get to pick which slut i want to date for a week? LOL

Beth said...

I love that "rotten pussy" line! I wanna hang with Jes.

Slave to the dogs said...

Clever ending. I bet Bret came up with it himself.

That blond does look like a dirty slut? She's Heather, right?

pistols at dawn said...

I heard a review of the show that had me weeping with laughter, where he tells the girls they've got to be ready for his rock n' roll lifestyle, and the reviewer was like, "What decade does he think this is? 'Baby, you've got to be ready when I'm out there rocking a 2:00pm matinee crowd at a tacky new casino in Lake Havasu, and we may just keep partyin' until possibly 10:00 that night.'"

Hilarious. Thank you for this gift.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I've said it before and I'll say it again, bless you for watching shows like this so we don't have to.

chelene said...

I think VH1 should meld his show and Flavor Flav's in some way. How can we make this happen?

Writeprocrastinator said...

Is it true that K-Fed is already trying to dump the kids off on you???

LoraLoo said...

Ok, I have to agree that the rotten pussy comment is damn funny.

However, I'm glad you gave the wrap-up here 'cause I couldn't stomach a single night of that show.

Edge said...

You know who wins on this show? Bret Michaels. He gets laid even after it's all over.


Tenacious S said...

Thank you so much! I missed the last two episodes. I am salivating for the new Charm school season. That show rocks!

G said...

Excellent recap! What a train wreck of a reality, yet I managed to sit my way through one episode.


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