Tuesday, January 22, 2008

American Idol 7: Leggo Your Dreams, Sandy Eggo

Dammit, Ryan! You said we were going to San Francisco!

It's all coming back to me now. No, I'm not trying to impress The Dawg by doing my best Celine impression...I'm suddenly remembering why I only began recapping AI last year when it got around to the Top 12. This shit is boring me to death.

The hour of sleep I got last night is surely contributing to my lack of patience, but I can't wait until these stupid auditions are over. Tonight, the judges descend upon San Diego. But while the cities may change, the script stays the same. Hot chicks, guys who sound like Brian McKnight and nice folks with sob stories make it through, while attention-starved, wannabe reality TV stars conjure up their best mock anger when they end up in the reject pile. Rinse, lather, repeat.

And is Simon purposely screwing with me because he knows I'm too tired to play games? For one audition, he's wearing a white tee shirt. Next audition, he's wearing a long-sleeved gray v-neck. Then he's back in the white tee. Then he's in a gray scoop neck. Then the v-neck. Then the tee shirt. It's bad enough that he's refusing to wear black, but now he's gonna taunt me by pulling a Diana Ross with the rest of his limited wardrobe?

Oh! And now he's humoring two hose-hounds who run in and try to put their hands all over him. I guess all my gushing over the little farm boy from last week didn't sit well with him, and now he's childishly trying to turn the tables of jealousy on me. Well, fine. I can keep playing that game.

Did you all get a load of the hot Aussie with the smooth soul voice? Farm Boy and Simon better step up their games.

Okay, I can't deal with this foolishness anymore. I have to go to bed.

OH SNAP! Hold on! What's this Simon's wearing?? Finally! A black shirt!! I guess he needed to change after he let those brazen hussies drool all over that gray number.

Well, in the time it's taken me to type this, the show has plodded on and it's finally at the end. I might as well finish watching. And hey, the last auditioner of the day is a nice Irish gal. Apparently she was picked during the first season and then got disqualified because of visa problems. To be sure, she has a lovely voice.

Let the lass through Simon, ya British feck, if ya like yer spine the way 'tis.

Yay! She's going to Hollywood and more years of violence and bloodshed have been averted.

I'm gonna go pass out now.

16 comments:

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Do we really need to see this?!

The Guv'ner said...

You know what I think, Becks me old duck? I think you WANT Simon Cowell. You want him BAD. You disguise your desire with mocking and frustration but really you long for Simon Cowell in all his grey scoop necked confusing goodness. You spent HOURS looking for that photo of him in just his SKIVVIES and you were at Kinko's ten minutes later having it enlarged onto photoboard and hung in your dining room. (I use the word "hung" loosely, when referring to this photo.) What it boils down to is you are not so much recapping AI as you are recapping Simon Cowell's godly being and for this reason I have already alerted authorities to send people in white coats to judge your mental health. No, don't thank me, snotty-Englishman-lover.

Bluez said...

Yup, I think the guv is right. You got it bad for Simon....

CDP said...

"Becks me old duck"
Tee hee.
I must agree that this post is right full of old Simon, without much Paula or Randy. Hmmm.

BeckEye said...

Barbara - Yes.

The rest of you - Goodness gracious. I'll let all these comments slide because I believe you're all relatively new to my blog. I'm sarcastic about most of what goes on on AI, but I am not kidding about my love for Simon. OF COURSE I have it bad for him. You see, each season I create an imaginary relationship between Lord Cowell and myself, but he frequently pisses me off, causing us to have imaginary (and usually fleeting) rifts in our imaginary relationship. If you go back and read last year's recaps, you'll have a better understanding of our (fake) dysfunctional relationship.

To make it completely clear: I LOVE SIMON COWELL. Bad fashion sense, huge nipples and all.

SkylersDad said...

You must have a very high tolerance for pain to watch that show.

Beth said...

I've never watched American Idol. Sounds like a good decision on my part.

Barbara said...

I'm a bit surprised that I find Simon so attractive in this photo...nice legs for a Brit :)

Suze said...

For the past couple of years I've skipped all these audition shows and just started watching when the competition began. Same stupid stuff over and over and over.

Although I appreciate you taking one for the team and recapping them.

The Guv'ner said...

You must be one of those mythical ladies I read about recently who chose The Cowell as they're number one ideal sex partner (yes really). Now I believe it. None of this changes the fact that you are INSANE.

Suze said...

Beckeye: I'm now giving you an award.

pistols at dawn said...

None of this has changed my mind on AI, which to me still means Allen Iverson. That guy hustles his ass off.

Bond said...

I think you are jealous of the two sisters who got to hug Simon... yup we all think the same thing dear...

hehehehehehehehee

have it on now and the guy who thought he was a great singer...these people are delusional

kellypea said...

Hey BeckEye -- I'm linking your two posts on AI just to get the ball rolling this year. Sorry I haven't been by until now...been in the dumps.

And I agree with the guv'ner about you having a thing for Simon.

Chancelucky said...

Maybe if the Irish lady gets to the final 12, they'll have a tatoo theme night. YOu can only sing songs recorded by singers with really prominent tatoos.

I liked the two sisters as audition material even if it felt like the performing sister was doing a Katharine Mcphee impression.

BeckEye said...

Skyler's Dad - To borrow a phrase from Melissa Etheridge, "ooh precious pain...empty and cold, but it keeps me alive." That about sums it up.

Beth - I feel like I don't even know you.

Barbara - Heh. And people worry about ME! Ryan sure must be happy with whoever Photoshopped this. They gave him quite a package.

Suze - I live to give.

Guv, Luv - I certainly wouldn't say he's my IDEAL mate. But my list of ideal mates is very long, with Travolta at the tippity-top.

Suze - Got it! Oh shoot, I still have to post it. Will do very soon. Thanks!

Pistols - He's a basketball player, right? Yeah, I hate basketball. Your comment hasn't changed my mind on this.

Bond - Arrrrgh! Is no one paying attention? Do I have to scream it from the rooftops? YES I LOVE SIMON - I'M NOT BEING SARCASTIC!! I guess this is what I get for being so sarcastic all the time. No one believes me when I'm telling the whole truth.

Kellypea - Thanks for swinging by and I'm sure AI will pull you out of the dumps soon enough.

Chancelucky - She'd probably have a lot to choose from. I'd like to hear her do Methods of Mayhem's "Get Naked." I'd like to hear ANYONE on Idol do that, in fact.

 

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