Tuesday, February 26, 2008

American Idol 7: Dazed and Confused

Well, it must be '70s Night on AI, because the judges are all tokin'. It's like we're watching two completely different shows at times. Well, whatever. I'm not gonna get my bellbottoms in a bunch over it. Let's boogie!

Paula: "Hey, man. You got a joint?"
Randy: "No, not on me, dawg."
Paula: "It'd be a lot cooler if you diiiiid."
Paula suddenly remembers her secret shroom stash under the judge's table.
Paula: "Alright alright alriiiiight!"

Hidden shrooms aren't the only surprise in store for us tonight. We get to learn all kinds of surprising things about all of the contestants. I quickly learn something about Ryan - all it takes to make him giggle and blush like a little girl is a wink and a smile from Simon. We have that in common.

Up first tonight is my bloomin' onion of love, Michael Johns. I briefly toy with the idea of just going to bed after he's done (one hour of sleep last night, people!) but I know that I'm much too lazy to get off the couch. Michael talks about his tennis prowess while a film of him running around the court in shorts plays. If I was supposed to listen to what he's saying, showing that film probably wasn't a good idea. I'm too distracted by the fact that he wasn't shirtless. Bad wardrobe choice. As for his song choice, I'm a big Fleetwood Mac fan so I'm happy to hear "Go Your Own Way." I'm not sure it's the song for him though. He certainly has hotness in common with Lindsey Buckingham, although I suspect that not even Michael could rock the white man 'fro. Wow, I sound like Paula. I'm trying so hard not to say anything bad about this guy. Ok, honestly, it's not the best I've ever heard. His voice is a little shaky in parts and he looks bored. All of the judges agree that this is Michael's weakest performance so far. I'm sure he'll still be here next week, but if next week happens to be '80s week, I really hope that he doesn't cover an INXS song because his Michael Hutchence mannerisms are definitely showing tonight. Stay out of that trap, mate!

Jason Castro gets all cutesy and divulges that he hates interviews because he's not a good talker. Hmm, seems odd for a guy who's no stranger to reality TV. He ditches the interview, picks up his guitar and breaks out a song I never expected, Andy Gibb's "I Just Want To Be Your Everything." Ahhhh! What an inspired song choice. All Jason needs is that awesome blue and white silk varsity jacket. I think I'm too busy singing along to pay much attention to his vocals, but none of the judges really dig it. Simon calls it a "schmaltzy song," and clearly doesn't appreciate the deliciousness of this finely aged cheese. I'm not in love with Jason's performance, but I don't think it's terrible.

I can't believe that Luke Menard is still here, and yet, he appears! What's he talking about? He's in Rockapella? Oh no, some other a capella group. Speaking of Rockapella, where in the world are they? I'm more interested in that information than hearing Luke sing, but the show must go on. I have to give Luke props for daring to sing "Killer Queen," but as I've said time and time again, if you don't even have a thimble full of Freddie Mercury's charisma, don't try suicide! Luke doesn't take my advice and, well, another one bites the dust. Randy and Paula are obviously stone cold crazy because they like it, but Simon sides with me by calling Luke's song choice "a mistake." Seacrest tries to comfort Luke by calling him "Dawson's Creek" and repeatedly touching him.

I think Michael should get to do another song. Ooh, what about T. Rex's "20th Century Boy?" Who wouldn't want him to be their toy?

Robbie Carrico tells America that he thinks we would be surprised to know that he drag races. Since I know that Bret Michaels also drag races, this is no surprise. Next, Robbie will blow our minds by telling us that he likes scantily-clad blonde women with big boobs. He then tries to convince us that he's "Hot Blooded," but I'm not gonna check it and see. I'll just take his word for it. He may have a fever of 103, but I don't think anyone else is feeling the heat. Foreigner, dude? Are you serious? You can't blow like Lou Gramm! Look, I can tell that Robbie has a good voice, but he seems like he's sleepwalking through this song, prompting Randy to join Simon in doubting Robbie's rockness. Peyote Paula experiences a moment of clarity and says some things that actually make sense.

Christian Alba (nee Danny Noriega) spills the big secret that he was a punk rocker in 9th grade. What was that, like a year ago? Shockwaves don't threaten to take down the studio. Danny then makes history by becoming the skinniest person to ever sing "Superstar," including Karen Carpenter. He's better than last week, but he's still not showing the pipes that he had in the audition stage. All of the judges tell him not to "overthink" but find it hard to say anything else really negative. Everyone just loves this kid, including me. That pixie has personality!

Ok, seriously, can Michael sing another song? How about The Allman Brothers' "Melissa?" Melissa is kind of a boring name though. I think he could really make it his own by changing it to "Rebecca." If that doesn't work, I think morphing "Tupelo Honey" into "Sunset Park Honey" would be a bold choice.

Sigh. No one is listening to me. Another guy who is not Michael comes out. It's David Hernandez singing...whoa. Hear that porno bass line? Is he singing the theme from Shaft?? YES! Oh...no. It's just "Papa Was a Rolling Stone." Well, he may as well have picked "Shaft," because a good portion of this song is being spoken. The judges rave about his performance. I don't get it. He hit some good notes, but it was pretty dull for me. Am I alone in this? Don't get me wrong, this dude can definitely blow, yo. But it was just okay for me this time, man. I mean, he did his thing there at the end and worked it out, but I don't know man, you know, baby? I was expecting him to really tear it up, and it was just aight. Just keepin' it real baby, just keepin' it real. (Sorry, Simon, I know you hate it when I talk like that.)

Seacrest asks Paula, "Why were the '70s such a great time for music?" Her answer: "Because there were some great songs." Of course! It's so simple! All that time riding the snake out in the desert has made her so wise.

Jason Yeager tells the world that he's multi-instrumental, but that he's not really that accomplished at any one instrument. He's so modest. I've heard him play the spoons and he's awesome. Jason fires up the Doobie cover, "Long Train Runnin'." Although he does have a tendency to get a little lounge lizardy, I kind of like this kid. He has a nice voice. This isn't the greatest performance I've ever heard, but I don't think it deserves all the hate that it gets from the judges. Randy says that it's pitchy karaoke and Paula mixes Randy's words around to say the same thing in a different, much more long-winded way. Simon starts the long train of insults running by telling Jason that his dancing style looks like someone "drunk at a party," and chugs along with zingers like "awkward," "ordinary," "corny," and one of his favorites, "ghastly."

Chikezie picks a Donnie Hathaway song! You don't say! Well, in a night of so-called "surprises," that's exactly the opposite of unexpected. Chikezie tries to sing a soul song while looking like he just came from a golf match...in 1987. He sounds better than last week, but I'm still bored to tears by this guy. His name was fun to say for about 5 minutes, but I'm done with him. I have to dodge, duck, dive and dodge out of the way of all the dawgs, dudes, babys and dawgs that Randy is tossing around, and I quickly see that I'm once again at odds with the judges. Everyone loves Chikezie tonight. Simon even gives him nice compliments, which Chikezie repays by mocking Simon's wardrobe. I'm about to smack the back-sass right out of this jackass.

Self-proclaimed "word nerd," David Cook, breaks out the electric guitar to take on Free's "All Right Now." Who covers Paul muthahumpin' Rodgers?? Guys with cajones, I guess! Many of you might already know this, but Paul Rodgers is my favorite male vocalist. (Glenn Tilbrook and Eddie Vedder are right on his heels.) I don't think too many hearing people would argue that he is one of the best, if not the greatest, ROCK vocalists of all-time. Anyone who covers him is going to pale in comparison, but I have to say that David sounds really good. He rocks. Randy can't resist twisting the knife in Robbie Carrico's heart by proclaiming that David is "the real rocker" on the show. Everyone agrees, but Simon doesn't think David has enough charisma. David says that it's the audience's opinion that really counts, which makes Simon a little bitchy. He chides David with a chilly, "I know the rules of this competition." Ooooooh. Seacrest enjoys playing peacemaker, especially because it means that he gets to stand really close to David.

David Archuleta tells some boring story about how he got to sing a Dreamgirls song for Kelly Clarkson, and then inexplicably chooses to cover John Lennon's "Imagine" like it was a Diddy joint. There is absolutely no doubt that David can sing and he's going to go far in this competition. He may even win. But I do not like this rendition at all. I just don't think that certain songs should be messed with. It sounds sooooo dreary. Of course, the judges fawn over David as if he were John Lennon come back to life, and the Beatlesque posse of screaming tween girls go ape-shit. Paula, fearing that she might get through an entire show looking halfway sane, comes up with her most bizarre critique ever as she tells David that, "I wanna squish you, squeeze your head off and dangle you from my rearview mirror." This statement raises many questions. Chief among them: How does Paula Abdul have a car? Who gave her a driver's license? How is it that Paris Hilton is beating her in the DUI competition?

Okay now, come on, producers! Last chance to let Michael sing again. I've finally settled on a song. I can just hear it now...
I was made for loving you Becky/You were made for loving me/And I can't get enough of your bloggin'/Can you give Simon up for me?

What? The show's over? Burn in hell, Ken Warwick!

Well, I guess this is the part where I have to pick the 2 boys that I think are gonna be sent packing on Thursday. Luke narrowly escaped with his life last week, but I don't think his Orlando Bloomness can continue to save him. As for the other guy, I'm torn between Robbie Carrico and Jason Yeager. Since there's only room for one true rocker, I think Robbie will get the steel-toed boot.


Bloody Awful Poetry said...

Aww..! Michael didn't do a so-good job? Darn. He is, really, the absolute smexiest thing to have ever happened to American Idol.
I don't get the show over here until 6p.m, which is like 5 hours away.But I am waiting to be bored shitless.
Cheers! Great blog, btw. Mine sucks carrots by comparison.

Travis said...

We enjoyed the David Brigade tonight...all three of them.

However, there are entirely too many guys here with the same names.

Coaster Punchman said...

I'd have to agree with you about little David tonight. The kid can sing but he's often slightly out of tune which is very grating on the nerves. I too got a kick out of Paula's comment. It was just ever so slightly Jeffrey Dahmerish.

Falwless said...

Any post regarding American Idol including a McConahooey as Wooderson quote is top notch, if you ask me. Great recap!

Falwless said...

I just read this whole thing again, and I would like to strike "great" from the above record and replace with "brilliant." And "really damn funny."

Beth said...

See, I just don't need to watch when I can read your blog.

CDP said...

Your AI recaps get funnier every week, and it's about time that someone pointed out that Randy appears to be at LEAST as stoned as Paula most of the time.

The Guv'ner said...

Talking of Glenn Tilbrook, I might actually WATCH A.I. if people busted out the Squeeze covers! Especially if some noncey, fake-tanned, 18 year old, puffy haired, boy band look-a-like decided to do a faux London accent on "Up The Junction". Hee.

Someone probably COULD rock a nice version of Labelled With Love, however...

Writeprocrastinator said...

Rockapella? Why, they are in San Diego, of course. I'm surprised I have to explain where in the world they are.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Paula really should have brought enough for everybody, including the audience. That would only be fair.

Gifted Typist said...

Robbie's drag races? Does he mean, like, guys in dresses and high heels doing the 50 meter dash? I'd love to go to the drag races

Alice said...

i know i keep saying this, but this is SO much better than having to actually watch the show. normally i like reading commentary on shows i watch (like, project rungay after watching PR on weds) but this? better than watching.

Bond said...

Only saw part of it last night as it overlaps with the Radio Happy Hour...and Tivo is busy with Big Brother (YES I watch it- sheesh)...

This Archuleta dude...have not seen him yet, but people seem to like him a lot...the guy that looks like Jessica Alba...I mean is he like 12?????

Sauntering Soul said...

I'm here via Aunt Dahlia and I can't think her enough. I'm crying from laughing so hard. I'm so glad to know there is someone doing AI recaps.

I'm also falling all over myself everytime Michael Johns comes on the screen. And he's from Atlanta and I live in Atlanta so why have I not seen him in his tennis shorts around town? Oh right. Because that would require I get off my sofa and go play tennis.

BeckEye said...

BAP - You don't mind if I call you BAP, do you? Didn't they make a movie about you with Halle Berry? Anyway, look, Michael Johns could leave a dump onstage and I'd have a hard time saying anything negative. I admit it. I'm a horrible, terrible, superficial girl.

Travis - It would be great if they were all named David. It would be like that Letterman Top 10 List (thanks Beth, for getting that stuck in my head) about "Ways the World Would Be Different if Everyone Was Named Kevin." Except substitute "David" for "Kevin."

CP - I hear that Paula stays young looking by bathing in the blood of former Idol cast-offs. I mean, no one's heard from Ryan Starr, Trenyce or Carmen Rasmussen in a looong time.

Falwless - You know what's great about American Idol? I keep getting older and the contestants stay the same age! Wait...that's not great!

Falwless - You again!? Well, if you're going to call me "brilliant," you can leave as many comments as you want. In fact, I think you should leave another one.

Beth - That's the spirit! All you'll ever need to know about Idol, you'll learn from me.

CDP - Thank you. And I'm sure Randy catches a major contact buzz from sitting so close to Paula. That's why Simon always pushes his chair away from the table. He's trying to avoid the crazy fumes.

Guv - My first thought was, "It would be great if someone covered Squeeze," and then I thought of some of the crappy performances I've seen on the show and thank God none of these zygotes are old enough (or care enough) to know who Squeeze are. Glenn's voice is just to perfect to cover. But now I'll probably have a dream tonight that I'm performing a duet of "Temptation for Love" with Michael Johns.

WP - Is that where Carmen Rasmussen is too?

Barbara - She's a bogarting snake, look into her eyes...

GT - I think you've just hit upon an amazing idea for a reality show. Please let me partner with you. "Drag Racing," hosted by RuPaul and Hilary Swank.

Alice - Thanks! That's the beauty of writing. I get a little pitchy when I try to be funny verbally.

Bond - I think Archuleta is 12 and Danny Noriegalba is at least 13.

Sauntering Soul - Thanks for coming by. I'm so happy that I made you cry! You know what I mean. I used to live across the street from a tennis court and I never played tennis. If there had been a Michael Johns in the neighborhood though, I would've set up camp there.

Anonymous said...

I (pathetically!) spend hours reading AI recaps and always enjoy the funny ones.

Your Paula comments in the David A (henceforward to be known simply as SC, for Second Coming)recap section had me laughing out loud, to the point of tears. Too.Freaking.Funny

Gifted Typist said...

BeckEye we are at one with our OCDness for Paul Rodgers. It picked up on PR in the young fellow's vocals although I had to agree with Mr. Happy - the young fellow must have had a charisma bypass at some point.


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