American Idol 7: Dazed and Confused

Well, it must be '70s Night on AI, because the judges are all tokin'. It's like we're watching two completely different shows at times. Well, whatever. I'm not gonna get my bellbottoms in a bunch over it. Let's boogie!



Paula: "Hey, man. You got a joint?"
Randy: "No, not on me, dawg."
Paula: "It'd be a lot cooler if you diiiiid."
Paula suddenly remembers her secret shroom stash under the judge's table.
Paula: "Alright alright alriiiiight!"

Hidden shrooms aren't the only surprise in store for us tonight. We get to learn all kinds of surprising things about all of the contestants. I quickly learn something about Ryan - all it takes to make him giggle and blush like a little girl is a wink and a smile from Simon. We have that in common.


Up first tonight is my bloomin' onion of love, Michael Johns. I briefly toy with the idea of just going to bed after he's done (one hour of sleep last night, people!) but I know that I'm much too lazy to get off the couch. Michael talks about his tennis prowess while a film of him running around the court in shorts plays. If I was supposed to listen to what he's saying, showing that film probably wasn't a good idea. I'm too distracted by the fact that he wasn't shirtless. Bad wardrobe choice. As for his song choice, I'm a big Fleetwood Mac fan so I'm happy to hear "Go Your Own Way." I'm not sure it's the song for him though. He certainly has hotness in common with Lindsey Buckingham, although I suspect that not even Michael could rock the white man 'fro. Wow, I sound like Paula. I'm trying so hard not to say anything bad about this guy. Ok, honestly, it's not the best I've ever heard. His voice is a little shaky in parts and he looks bored. All of the judges agree that this is Michael's weakest performance so far. I'm sure he'll still be here next week, but if next week happens to be '80s week, I really hope that he doesn't cover an INXS song because his Michael Hutchence mannerisms are definitely showing tonight. Stay out of that trap, mate!

Jason Castro gets all cutesy and divulges that he hates interviews because he's not a good talker. Hmm, seems odd for a guy who's no stranger to reality TV. He ditches the interview, picks up his guitar and breaks out a song I never expected, Andy Gibb's "I Just Want To Be Your Everything." Ahhhh! What an inspired song choice. All Jason needs is that awesome blue and white silk varsity jacket. I think I'm too busy singing along to pay much attention to his vocals, but none of the judges really dig it. Simon calls it a "schmaltzy song," and clearly doesn't appreciate the deliciousness of this finely aged cheese. I'm not in love with Jason's performance, but I don't think it's terrible.

I can't believe that Luke Menard is still here, and yet, he appears! What's he talking about? He's in Rockapella? Oh no, some other a capella group. Speaking of Rockapella, where in the world are they? I'm more interested in that information than hearing Luke sing, but the show must go on. I have to give Luke props for daring to sing "Killer Queen," but as I've said time and time again, if you don't even have a thimble full of Freddie Mercury's charisma, don't try suicide! Luke doesn't take my advice and, well, another one bites the dust. Randy and Paula are obviously stone cold crazy because they like it, but Simon sides with me by calling Luke's song choice "a mistake." Seacrest tries to comfort Luke by calling him "Dawson's Creek" and repeatedly touching him.

I think Michael should get to do another song. Ooh, what about T. Rex's "20th Century Boy?" Who wouldn't want him to be their toy?

Robbie Carrico tells America that he thinks we would be surprised to know that he drag races. Since I know that Bret Michaels also drag races, this is no surprise. Next, Robbie will blow our minds by telling us that he likes scantily-clad blonde women with big boobs. He then tries to convince us that he's "Hot Blooded," but I'm not gonna check it and see. I'll just take his word for it. He may have a fever of 103, but I don't think anyone else is feeling the heat. Foreigner, dude? Are you serious? You can't blow like Lou Gramm! Look, I can tell that Robbie has a good voice, but he seems like he's sleepwalking through this song, prompting Randy to join Simon in doubting Robbie's rockness. Peyote Paula experiences a moment of clarity and says some things that actually make sense.

Christian Alba (nee Danny Noriega) spills the big secret that he was a punk rocker in 9th grade. What was that, like a year ago? Shockwaves don't threaten to take down the studio. Danny then makes history by becoming the skinniest person to ever sing "Superstar," including Karen Carpenter. He's better than last week, but he's still not showing the pipes that he had in the audition stage. All of the judges tell him not to "overthink" but find it hard to say anything else really negative. Everyone just loves this kid, including me. That pixie has personality!

Ok, seriously, can Michael sing another song? How about The Allman Brothers' "Melissa?" Melissa is kind of a boring name though. I think he could really make it his own by changing it to "Rebecca." If that doesn't work, I think morphing "Tupelo Honey" into "Sunset Park Honey" would be a bold choice.

Sigh. No one is listening to me. Another guy who is not Michael comes out. It's David Hernandez singing...whoa. Hear that porno bass line? Is he singing the theme from Shaft?? YES! Oh...no. It's just "Papa Was a Rolling Stone." Well, he may as well have picked "Shaft," because a good portion of this song is being spoken. The judges rave about his performance. I don't get it. He hit some good notes, but it was pretty dull for me. Am I alone in this? Don't get me wrong, this dude can definitely blow, yo. But it was just okay for me this time, man. I mean, he did his thing there at the end and worked it out, but I don't know man, you know, baby? I was expecting him to really tear it up, and it was just aight. Just keepin' it real baby, just keepin' it real. (Sorry, Simon, I know you hate it when I talk like that.)

Seacrest asks Paula, "Why were the '70s such a great time for music?" Her answer: "Because there were some great songs." Of course! It's so simple! All that time riding the snake out in the desert has made her so wise.

Jason Yeager tells the world that he's multi-instrumental, but that he's not really that accomplished at any one instrument. He's so modest. I've heard him play the spoons and he's awesome. Jason fires up the Doobie cover, "Long Train Runnin'." Although he does have a tendency to get a little lounge lizardy, I kind of like this kid. He has a nice voice. This isn't the greatest performance I've ever heard, but I don't think it deserves all the hate that it gets from the judges. Randy says that it's pitchy karaoke and Paula mixes Randy's words around to say the same thing in a different, much more long-winded way. Simon starts the long train of insults running by telling Jason that his dancing style looks like someone "drunk at a party," and chugs along with zingers like "awkward," "ordinary," "corny," and one of his favorites, "ghastly."

Chikezie picks a Donnie Hathaway song! You don't say! Well, in a night of so-called "surprises," that's exactly the opposite of unexpected. Chikezie tries to sing a soul song while looking like he just came from a golf match...in 1987. He sounds better than last week, but I'm still bored to tears by this guy. His name was fun to say for about 5 minutes, but I'm done with him. I have to dodge, duck, dive and dodge out of the way of all the dawgs, dudes, babys and dawgs that Randy is tossing around, and I quickly see that I'm once again at odds with the judges. Everyone loves Chikezie tonight. Simon even gives him nice compliments, which Chikezie repays by mocking Simon's wardrobe. I'm about to smack the back-sass right out of this jackass.

Self-proclaimed "word nerd," David Cook, breaks out the electric guitar to take on Free's "All Right Now." Who covers Paul muthahumpin' Rodgers?? Guys with cajones, I guess! Many of you might already know this, but Paul Rodgers is my favorite male vocalist. (Glenn Tilbrook and Eddie Vedder are right on his heels.) I don't think too many hearing people would argue that he is one of the best, if not the greatest, ROCK vocalists of all-time. Anyone who covers him is going to pale in comparison, but I have to say that David sounds really good. He rocks. Randy can't resist twisting the knife in Robbie Carrico's heart by proclaiming that David is "the real rocker" on the show. Everyone agrees, but Simon doesn't think David has enough charisma. David says that it's the audience's opinion that really counts, which makes Simon a little bitchy. He chides David with a chilly, "I know the rules of this competition." Ooooooh. Seacrest enjoys playing peacemaker, especially because it means that he gets to stand really close to David.

David Archuleta tells some boring story about how he got to sing a Dreamgirls song for Kelly Clarkson, and then inexplicably chooses to cover John Lennon's "Imagine" like it was a Diddy joint. There is absolutely no doubt that David can sing and he's going to go far in this competition. He may even win. But I do not like this rendition at all. I just don't think that certain songs should be messed with. It sounds sooooo dreary. Of course, the judges fawn over David as if he were John Lennon come back to life, and the Beatlesque posse of screaming tween girls go ape-shit. Paula, fearing that she might get through an entire show looking halfway sane, comes up with her most bizarre critique ever as she tells David that, "I wanna squish you, squeeze your head off and dangle you from my rearview mirror." This statement raises many questions. Chief among them: How does Paula Abdul have a car? Who gave her a driver's license? How is it that Paris Hilton is beating her in the DUI competition?

Okay now, come on, producers! Last chance to let Michael sing again. I've finally settled on a song. I can just hear it now...
I was made for loving you Becky/You were made for loving me/And I can't get enough of your bloggin'/Can you give Simon up for me?

What? The show's over? Burn in hell, Ken Warwick!

Well, I guess this is the part where I have to pick the 2 boys that I think are gonna be sent packing on Thursday. Luke narrowly escaped with his life last week, but I don't think his Orlando Bloomness can continue to save him. As for the other guy, I'm torn between Robbie Carrico and Jason Yeager. Since there's only room for one true rocker, I think Robbie will get the steel-toed boot.