American Idol 7: I Do Not Have To Admit It's Getting Better

Ryan opens this week's episode of AI by telling everyone that Beatles songs are back by "popular demand." Oh, do we get to vote on genres now? I think what he meant to say was, "After Kristy Lee butchered 'Eight Days a Week' so badly last week, every other artist in the world pulled their songs from our catalog, so we're gonna do some more Beatles until they come around."

This week, all Beatles tunes are allowed, so maybe George and Ringo can get some love. You just know if this was last year, Sanjaya would be all over "Octopus's Garden."

Amanda Overmyer kicks things off with "Back in the U.S.S.R," and she don't know how lucky she are to still be in this competition. So, she had a moment last week, but I'm bored with her again already. I don't hate her with the heat of a thousand suns, as I did at the beginning of the Top 24 when I dubbed her Jamless Joplin™. I'll admit that she might have a few jams up her sleeve. Not tonight though, because she's not wearing any sleeves. And that shirt is waaaay too tight. She needs to go back to the G.A.P. and buy a large. Anyway, Randy and Paula combine forces to come up with a generic critique while Simon calls Amanda "predictable." Then Amanda has a deluded glimpse of grandeur as she tells the judges that she picks songs that will make people want to buy a ticket to one of her shows. Simon, who I'm warming up to again, reminds Amanda that her "tickets aren't on sale yet." Ha. They may never be. I mean, really, do you think she could get through an entire show with that fake voice intact? I doubt it. I know I couldn't sit through it.

Wearing yet another awful outfit, Kristy Lee Cook rides her imaginary pony onstage to sing "You've Got To Hide Your Love Away." She hadn't heard this song until this week. Not even the Eddie Vedder version. Incredible. It actually starts out okay, but quickly deteriorates. Everything this girl touches turns to bland. Randy musters up some noises and Paula goes to her old standby, "Gee, you look pretty tonight." Simon compares Kristy to "musical wallpaper." What, like it's really hard to take down? Yeah, I'm afraid she will be too. She's the next Carmen Rasmusen, I tells ya!

Trying to put the one week when everyone didn't worship at his altar behind him, David Archuleta walks "The Long and Winding Road" back into ballad territory and the judges' good graces. Oh, let's face it. That road is pretty damn short, as far as he's concerned. Everyone loves David again, and Simon calls his performance "amazing." Okay. I am so sick of the adjective abuse on this show. Brilliant. Phenomenal. Amazing. What? John Lennon coming back from the dead to be the guest mentor this week would be amazing. Let's bring it down a notch, judges. David's performance is good. The kid's got some serious talent, but I think I'm just tired of him and his chapped lips.

What the...? Michael Johns is sitting at the edge of the stage waiting for his turn, and all the girls in the idiot pit are shrieking over David like Michael isn't even there. Are they all from the St. Archuleta Blind School for Girls or something? What is wrong with them??

Apparently, the commercial breaks weren't enough for Ryan, because he busts out an iPhone/iTunes/Coke ad in the 30 seconds before Michael hits the stage. Seacrest. Is there anything he can't sell?

Finally, it's Michael Johns up to bat. I was sure that he would sing "While My Guitar Gently Weeps," but instead he opts for "A Day in the Life," one of his faves. Oh no. First, I am not a huge fan of this one. Second, all the tempo changes do not make for a song that's easy to edit down. Third, none of the tween voters have ever heard this song. This could be bad. But it's not. Michael is never bad. And I'm not just saying that for superficial reasons. It's not his best, but during the verses he sounds nice. And I'm very happy that he'd love to turn me on, but I've been on since the first time I saw his gorgeous mug. He really didn't have to do this song. He really shouldn't have. Unfortunately, all the judges agree and give him a hard time. After everyone takes a turn shitting on him, Seacrest asks Michael why he chose that song. He explains that it was a favorite of a friend of his who died recently, making all the judges look like jerks. I am actually worried about my man right now. I haven't voted since that one time in Season 2, when I voted for Kimberly Locke out of sheer annoyance with the whole Clay-Ruben debate. I may have to pick up my phone tonight. I can't lose my man candy! Especially not this close to Easter. If Michael goes, these recaps are going to get a lot meaner.

Brooke White opts for George's "Here Comes the Sun," and I say it's all right...except for the dancing. If that's dancing. Her repetoire consists of: a clumsy spin, a "whooo!" and much shoulder-jerking, torso-twisting and hand-flailing. Randy starts off with "What's going down," which, as I explained last year, is never a good thing. He calls the whole performance "awkward," Paula mumbles and Simon has finally met a Brooke performance that he doesn't like. I think that even though her "dancing" is ridiculous, her voice still sounds fine, so I was willing to give Brooke a good grade tonight...but now she's ruining everything with her incessant talking. The judges can barely get their critiques out as she jabbers away over them, "Oh it's okay, I know I'm a bad dancer, I wanted to sing 'Let it Be' again but they wouldn't let me, tee hee. I appreciate your opinion. Ain't I sweet? I have diarrhea of the mouth right now and maybe real diarrhea, that's why I was jerking around so much out there. I think Paula slipped something in my drink because I can't stop talking. I love the Beatles, I love you guys. Yay! I love being here but I know I wasn't too good tonight. Nothing could top my amazing performance last week. Look at my yellow dress! Guys! You really didn't like it? It wasn't that bad was it? Ok, ok, I know, I know, I respect what you're saying. Yeah, yeah, okay, hey fans, it's okay! Really! I am so happy to be here. I'll do better next week, I swear. Look at my curls! Look how well I accept criticism! It's easier to accept when you can't really hear it!!" Good Lord. Imagine all this while standing there making Debbie Downer faces. I still kind of like Brooke, so I'll give her another chance. But she better never dance again and learn to keep her mouth shut when she's not singing.

David Cook takes the stage for "Day Tripper," but opts for the Whitesnake version that I never knew (or cared to know) existed. I think he should've stuck with the original, which boasts one of my favorite opening guitar riffs of all time. Without Tawny Kitaen writhing around onstage, this take on the song just falls short of the mark. Then, somewhere in the middle of the song, David morphs into Peter Frampton and I completely lose my shit. He seriously breaks out the voice-box and is all like "Mwaaah mwah mwah...Dooo you feeeel like the day tripper dooo." (Okay, so he didn't really say that but it would've been grrrreat.) Despite that out of place guitar accessory, and how bothered I am that this song sounds so much dirtier "the Coverdale way," I still think this is a decent performance. David's kind of in the zone at this point, which Randy and Paula seem to agree with. Simon goes with his favorite phrase this season by telling David that it isn't as good as he thinks it is. It probably isn't, but it's better than Simon thinks it is.

By some wild coincidence, Carly Smithson sings "Blackbird" right after Ryan, Simon and Paula had a pointless conversation about the song. God, can I just say how much I hate the idiot pit?? I hate them all. Swaying their arms like mindless robots. I guarantee you that not one person in that pit has ever heard this song. They probably don't know any of these songs. And then there's all that "Whoo! Whooooo!" I wish a freaking blackbird would swoop down and peck all of their glazed-over eyes out. Anyway...on to Carly. She sounds lovely, as always. Of course, Simon has to disagree by calling this a bad, "indulgent" song choice. Carly gives some dumb speech about how she picked this song because it represents how all of the contestants have been beaten down by the music industry and now this show is giving them a place to spread their wings. Eeee-gads. I can't imagine I would've had a response to such crap, but Simon comes up with a good one: "You've made me uncomfortable because I think now that you're all broken birds." It makes about as much sense as what Carly said, but for some reason it's really tickling my funny bone.

Ooh la la, the dreadlocked Vinnie Barbarino, Jason Castro, struts out to sing "Michelle," a song that, until this week, he believed was about an actual bell. I suppose that only adds to his goofy charm. Well, I wish he was playing guitar right now, but he's doing okay I guess. It's not great, but he's sweet. The judges agree that he's sweet and charming, but still aren't crazy about the performance overall. All Randy does is inhale deeply and Paula compares Jason's take on the song to a polka. (Please, someone roll out the barrel for her. She's fading fast.) Simon tells Jason that he's lucky this is being televised because his face may save him. So, if some people have a face for radio, I guess Jason has a voice for TV?

Yesterday, Syesha Mercado was all crazy fly-aways. Now her hair's smoothed down around her face. Oh, I believe she's singing "Yesterday." Ahhh, Syesha. I don't know what to do with this girl. She sounds really good until the end when she starts hitting all those crazy high-pitched notes for no reason. She's trying to Mariah it up. So, guess who loves it? That's right, Mariah's BFF, The Dawg. Paula and Simon like Syesha too, but no one is "jumping out of their chairs." I'm actually most put off by Syesha's fake emoting near the end of the song. Maybe it's because I know that she's an actress, but I'm just not buying that she's really feeling this song that much. It's like her face is all sad, sad, sad, close to tears and then the song is over and she's grinning from ear to ear. Men, if you're tired of girls who fake it, like Syesha, don't vote for her. Might I suggest you vote for Michael instead?

"I've Just Seen a Face" with some Tic-Tac teeth! It's Chikezie and his low-hanging gums! Chikezie decides to play harmonica even though he doesn't know how. Hey, why not. He should just come out and say that he's scared to death of winning this show and ending up under the thumb of the Man (Clive Davis) so he's just gonna tank it. Actually, harmonica aside, I kind of like this performance. Chikezie goes back to that country/bluegrass thing that he, surprisingly, did so well last week. Randy and Paula kind of like it, but Simon is not impressed. It's too gimmicky and Achy-Breaky for him.

Before the last contestant sings, Ryan reminds us that the songwriting contest is on again. I'm so glad they're getting such mileage out of my idea. Bastards.

Ramiele Malubay picks "I Should Have Known Better," and gives a solid, cute performance. I think she has a really nice voice but I can't shake the feeling that she should be on that Pussycat Doll show instead. Regardless, this is one of the better performances I've seen from her. The judges aren't very receptive to her, which kind of confuses me. I guess she wasn't screaming enough for Randy's taste and she was wearing too many clothes for Simon's.

I'm voting. I can't believe it. I'm breaking a years-long streak and all of my principles, but it's worth it. Well, maybe. I only have the patience to call in about five times. I hope that's enough to save my juicy piece of Outback meat.

I refuse to even toy with the idea of Michael ending up in the Bottom 3, so I'm going to say that it will be Kristy Lee, Amanda and Syesha. I'm tired of going with Ramiele, because I keep predicting that she will leave and she continues to prove me wrong. I think Kristy Lee will be a Bottom 3 staple until the country finally comes to its senses and sends her back to the ranch. Amanda could be a victim of the first spot by not getting many votes from the short-attention-span tweeners. As for Syesha, she can certainly sing but she's not very memorable. I think Syesha will get a ticket to ride a plane home this week.