Tuesday, April 22, 2008

American Idol 7: It's Better Than Cats!


Last week, the Idols were forced to sing Mariah Carey songs, which the judges always warn against. Tonight, the Idols are forced to sing Broadway show tunes, which the judges always dismiss as not contemporary enough. I can only imagine that next week's theme will be "2 Live Crew Night." Damn the show to hell for denying me Michael Johns' version of "Me So Horny."

Being that Carly and Brooke are dressed like peasant girls, I immediately think that they might try songs from Les Misérables. Luckily, they're limited to the catalog of Andrew Lloyd Webber, who had nothing to do with the best musical EVER. Thank God. If I had to hear a screechy or coffeehouse version of "On My Own," I would've had to pop a musket ball in a bitch's ass.

Well, let's get on with it, shall we? Opera glasses on.

The producers are obviously tired of Syesha Mercado, as they've put her in the dreaded first spot tonight. She tells Lord Webber that she plans to infuse "One Rock and Roll Too Many" (Starlight Express) with lots of personality. From what I can tell, Syesha's definition of "personality" is basically "lots of head jerking." Once onstage though, she really does a lot more than that and I have to admit to really enjoying her performance. I still think that a lot of what she does is a bit fake and contrived, but I guess that suits the Broadway theme, because these songs are meant for musical actors. All of the judges think this is one of Syesha's best performances, and Simon thinks she's sexy. Pre-Michael, a comment like that might have made me jealous.

Up next is Jason Castro to sing "Memory" (Cats). Andrew Lloyd Webber never thought he'd see the day when a man with dreadlocks would sing this song. Yeah, because that's so much weirder than a chick dressed like a cat. Jason is, like, um, pretty nervous, like whoa, and hey, he like, didn't know *toke* that a cat sings this song. He does as good a job as he can with a song that he most likely has no interest in, and the idiot pit sways its arms in approval. I really don't think Jason's performance is that bad, but Randy looks at him like he just put his cat in the microwave and calls it a train wreck. Paula's critique makes no sense, but she manages to get two big words out: "unique" and "balladeer," which is impressive. She really went out of her comfort zone there. Simon compared Jason to a young boy forced by his parents to sing at a wedding. (I think they're getting Jason and David Archuleta confused.)

You know, I'm kind of pissed off by this attack on Jason. (And no, it's not just because he looks and sounds like Vinnie Barbarino.) AI picks a show tunes theme, knowing full well that that isn't something that the majority of the contestants are comfortable with. And, yes, they should be able to rise to the occasion, but every judge's critique revolves around the fact that this isn't Jason's genre. They just lock him into the Jack Johnson box and won't let him out. There has to be some other criteria for judging the performance when the performer is so obviously out of his/her element. Just based on vocals, the song sounds fine. It's not superb, but it certainly isn't a "train wreck."

I'm starting to think that there's a conspiracy to get rid of all the good-looking guys on the show. I wouldn't doubt that horse-face Nigel Lythgoe is behind it. Scum.

The new Vote for the Worst pick, Brooke White, takes the stage to sing "You Must Love Me" (Evita). She makes VFTW proud when she completely screws up the beginning, stops and asks to start again. *pin drop* She restarts and makes it through the whole song without breaking down, but it is so unbelievably bland. Randy's not feelin' it, and Paula...well, Paula takes a really long time to say anything. *pin drop* Finally, Paula thinks of something to say, and tells Brooke, "NEVER start and then stop." Oh my God. Is this woman serious? Do you remember the week that Brooke flubbed the intro to "Every Breath You Take?" Paula was practically falling over herself, congratulating Brooke on making the "professional" choice of stopping and starting again after realizing that it just wasn't starting properly. I don't know how much more hypocrisy I can take from this show. And Simon, who enjoyed ripping Jason apart mere minutes ago, now sits there choosing his words very carefully so as not to upset poor Brookey. Why are they all coddling her?? Get her off the stage before she starts babbling!!

Ryan brings Little Lord Archuleroy out to chat, then quickly pimps him out to a gaggle of girls up front, who all jump up on stage to hug him. David has no idea what to do with his hands and looks half frightened/half repulsed. Then he launches into "Think of Me" (Phantom of the Opera), determined to follow Big Lord Webber's advice to keep his dewy puppy dog eyes open the entire time. He does, and he also manages to turn the show tune into a pop ballad. (Well, I tend to think that someone made that transformation for him.) Once again, David sings very well but I'm still bored with him. Maybe it's because I'm over 16. I don't know. The age factor doesn't stop the Three Stooges from showering him with praise (although Simon is a bit restrained) and Randy proclaims him "the one to beat." (Note to Daddy Archuleta: this is not meant to be taken literally, you freak.)

Carly Smithson planned on singing a boring ballad, but A-Lloyd talks her into "Jesus Christ Superstar." She sings it well enough, but there is definitely some shouting involved. Every time she sings, "Jesus Christ," it just sounds like she's pissed off. But, Randy and Paula ain't mad at her, and although Simon agrees with me on the "shoutiness," he still picks Carly's performance as one of his faves of the night.

The anchor man tonight is David Cook, who I have to say is getting better and better looking every week. He looks dizzamn good with all the fuzzy scruff. So much better than that overgrown soul patch. I guess after spending all that time with Michael as a roommate, the sexiness had to rub off at some point. Lord Webber certainly is smitten...he's totally hitting on David! AWKWARD! David escapes the lecherous Brit's clutches and performs another Phantom song, "Music of the Night." Part of me was hoping that he would rock it out, but I'm actually glad that he's staying true to the original song, because he's proving that he has some serious pipes. Randy thinks it's a "molten hot lava bomb," and Simon likes it but would've preferred something "grittier." Paula tells David that he has a "beautiful instrument." Okay, so for those of you playing along at home, that's two sexual harassment suits that David will be bringing against the show if he doesn't win.

So, who's out this week? Based on the critiques and song choice, I am gonna have to say that Jason will most likely be all alone in the moonlight tomorrow evening. It's a tough call though. Brooke was pretty much a mess, so she will be in the Bottom 2. (I think we're down to only a Bottom 2 at this point.) But with the support of VFTW, Brooke might slide through. That leaves Syesha and Carly as possible bottom dwellers. Syesha went first and sang a song that not a lot of people know. Carly shouted a song from a musical that many Christians hate. So, who has the ultimate power? The tweens? The Mormons? The Christian right? VFTW? The producers? I say the latter, and unfortunately they don't like Jason. Plus, it's a boy's turn to go. A beautiful boy, at that. Sorry, Jason.

26 comments:

Lee Ann said...

My favorite is still David Cook, but I must say I think they all stepped up this week. I honestly did not think they would do well with this theme.

GingerSnaps said...

I agree with just about every word you wrote here. I think it's either Jason or the babbling Brooke who will be outta there this week.

Tonight, my fave was David Cook...and yes, he is getting better and better looking as each week goes on...

I still miss Michael, though. :)

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I love how Paula is changing her philosophy just to drive you mad. I bet it was her idea to turn MJ too.

DrillerAA said...

Unfortunately, I thought Jason's performance was worse than bad. Aside from Brooke dropping the lyrics for the second time this season, he was in a league of his own at the bottom tonight. Proof positive that your true love, MJ left far too early in this competition.
And yes, Syesha was a pleasant suprise tonight. I thought she should have gone home a couple of weeks ago, but tonight she may be around for another week.
Brooke or Dreadlock Boy will get the cab ride to LAX tomorrow night.

Ian said...

I don't think the producers want a guy to go home this week. They clearly want a guy to win, and if they keep alternating a girl's going to end up winning.

Since Brooke is the only one left that I love, I don't care who goes home tomorrow as long as it's not her. Sadly, I fear that it will be.

Bloody Awful Poetry said...

Jeez. You're right. David Cook IS getting better looking every week.
See Beckeye? Michael Johns lives on! He is immortal when he passes on the sexiness to others who need it. How noble and selfless.=)

Falwless said...

Yes, David is indeed getting hotter and hotter and hotter and hotter.

Sorry, where was I?

I am so sick and tired of Little Lord Archuleroy. Seriously. He has the personality of a dish towel.

Red said...

God you are hilarious, but all you bitches better get off David Cook. I called dibs before the Top 12. He is mine!

A few things:

Les Miz is totally the best musical ever.

There is mos def a Jason Castro conspiracy. He was not a "trainwreck."

Time to say goodbye to babbling Brooke. Later, moron nanny!

That is all.

Red said...

I didn't mean to say "moron nanny." That's just mean.

Travis said...

The song for Jason was Any Dream Will Do...that was his home run. He's not a great vocalist, so song choice is even more important for him. He picked the wrong song, and then butchered it.

DC had another moment this week. I'm daring to think he's going to make it to top 3.

Anonymous said...

I couldn't believe you said that David Cook is getting better looking, eeewww, he is not in the same league as Michael, he is so unattractive, I find him so contrived, smug and creepy. You need to have charisma and sensuality to carry off music of the night, where as Cook simply comes across as smarmy. I really believe that Cook is Homer Simpson's long lost younger brother!!!!

fran said...

Your comment about David Cook's pending lawsuits squarely hit my funny bone :)

Jason completely deserves to go home. Even with Brooke's meltdown, she was still better. And that's saying something. I thought David Cook was the best and Carly was great...she finally stopped yelling.

My favorite moment, hands down, was when ALW invited David Cook to "imagine me as the prettiest 17 year old girl ever". It's too easy. Y'all can make up your own joke.

P.S., if that picture is your Photoshop work...TOP NOTCH.

Gifted Typist said...

Spot on again, BeckEye.

Why does Little Lord Archuleroy remind me of a photocopy repair man on a co-op program after the first year of training?

And those girls who "spontaneously" jumped up to stage from the idiot pit, where they from from Amish country?

Brook and Jason to the B2.
Brook probably the one to go

Bluez said...

If its a boys turn, Jason, a girls turn Brooke. I dunno you never know on this show. All I know is the two David's will probably be the last men standing.

Mathdude said...

I didn't watch it, but the G-Train echoed your assessment. I stand by my prediction from last Friday that the 3 ladies will be the Bottom 3 with Carly going home. You seem to be making the fatal flaw in your predictions that votes are the result of good performances. Jason Castro is safe even if he had the worst performance.

gizmorox said...

Show tunes are a definite stretch from the pop crap these kids are generally expected to spit out.

I haven't watched a single episode of this season, but this sounds like it might have been a delightful train wreck.

Having gone through an insane ALW phase in high school, I'm actually stoked you posted all the links and will watch them forthwith.

Bond said...

Last night I finally appreciated David Cook, because he stayed true to the song and did a damn fine job singing it

Jason deserves to go home NOW

Kristi Mantoni said...

Did you notice how quiet Brooke was during the judging? Normally she she would have said "I know" and "It's OK" a gazillion times but she barely uttered two words. I think she was afraid she would start bawling if she did. VFTW would have LOVED that!

I didn't think Jason was that bad either. I like the boy!

Mike said...

I also noticed the ANGRY Jesus emoting! Getting tired of her big time!

Andy was very smitten with David. He was about as creeped out as lord archie was with the girls.

jolie said...

ryan said the girls who were coming on stage to swarm little lord were his sisters. wow, that's a big fambly! and how'd that blondie get in there?

anywho, whoever they really were, it sure made for some awkward viewing.

fran said...

P.P.S., I didn't catch it the first time, but nice SNL reference in the title! I loved that skit.

pistols at dawn said...

Ha ha ha ha! This is officially the episode I care about the least: suckass Lloyd Webber with suckass AI.

This is like if Nicolas Cage and John Travolta were ever in a movie tog-

Nevermind.

Coaster Punchman said...

Damn right it's the Mormons. Look; the whole show is now 20% Mormon. Thank God too, I was really getting sick of Snarly.

Kim said...

The Jack Johnson box. Heh. Question, though - is Jack in the box also? That's kind of interesting.

Chancelucky said...

You know I do see the Homer Simpson resemblance with David Cook. Does Bart have a secret brother in Indiana?

Sunny said...

I thought Castro sounded better than he was given credit. The poor daydreaming boy was sick with a 104 degree fever. Did anyone mention that on the show. Little Rami was sick and everyone knew, blah, blah, blah.

Anyway, he at least puts emotion and feeling into his tunes rather than posturing and shouting - like Carly. Somebody has to go home as dear ol' Bucky Covington said way back when and this week was Carly's turn.

I'd love an upset and see Castro and Cook in the Finale. That would truly be popcorn worthy. I like Cook, he's got a great voice but is he sporting a wiglet these days? ha.

 

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