American Idol 7: It's Better Than Cats!

Last week, the Idols were forced to sing Mariah Carey songs, which the judges always warn against. Tonight, the Idols are forced to sing Broadway show tunes, which the judges always dismiss as not contemporary enough. I can only imagine that next week's theme will be "2 Live Crew Night." Damn the show to hell for denying me Michael Johns' version of "Me So Horny."

Being that Carly and Brooke are dressed like peasant girls, I immediately think that they might try songs from Les Misérables. Luckily, they're limited to the catalog of Andrew Lloyd Webber, who had nothing to do with the best musical EVER. Thank God. If I had to hear a screechy or coffeehouse version of "On My Own," I would've had to pop a musket ball in a bitch's ass.

Well, let's get on with it, shall we? Opera glasses on.

The producers are obviously tired of Syesha Mercado, as they've put her in the dreaded first spot tonight. She tells Lord Webber that she plans to infuse "One Rock and Roll Too Many" (Starlight Express) with lots of personality. From what I can tell, Syesha's definition of "personality" is basically "lots of head jerking." Once onstage though, she really does a lot more than that and I have to admit to really enjoying her performance. I still think that a lot of what she does is a bit fake and contrived, but I guess that suits the Broadway theme, because these songs are meant for musical actors. All of the judges think this is one of Syesha's best performances, and Simon thinks she's sexy. Pre-Michael, a comment like that might have made me jealous.

Up next is Jason Castro to sing "Memory" (Cats). Andrew Lloyd Webber never thought he'd see the day when a man with dreadlocks would sing this song. Yeah, because that's so much weirder than a chick dressed like a cat. Jason is, like, um, pretty nervous, like whoa, and hey, he like, didn't know *toke* that a cat sings this song. He does as good a job as he can with a song that he most likely has no interest in, and the idiot pit sways its arms in approval. I really don't think Jason's performance is that bad, but Randy looks at him like he just put his cat in the microwave and calls it a train wreck. Paula's critique makes no sense, but she manages to get two big words out: "unique" and "balladeer," which is impressive. She really went out of her comfort zone there. Simon compared Jason to a young boy forced by his parents to sing at a wedding. (I think they're getting Jason and David Archuleta confused.)

You know, I'm kind of pissed off by this attack on Jason. (And no, it's not just because he looks and sounds like Vinnie Barbarino.) AI picks a show tunes theme, knowing full well that that isn't something that the majority of the contestants are comfortable with. And, yes, they should be able to rise to the occasion, but every judge's critique revolves around the fact that this isn't Jason's genre. They just lock him into the Jack Johnson box and won't let him out. There has to be some other criteria for judging the performance when the performer is so obviously out of his/her element. Just based on vocals, the song sounds fine. It's not superb, but it certainly isn't a "train wreck."

I'm starting to think that there's a conspiracy to get rid of all the good-looking guys on the show. I wouldn't doubt that horse-face Nigel Lythgoe is behind it. Scum.

The new Vote for the Worst pick, Brooke White, takes the stage to sing "You Must Love Me" (Evita). She makes VFTW proud when she completely screws up the beginning, stops and asks to start again. *pin drop* She restarts and makes it through the whole song without breaking down, but it is so unbelievably bland. Randy's not feelin' it, and Paula...well, Paula takes a really long time to say anything. *pin drop* Finally, Paula thinks of something to say, and tells Brooke, "NEVER start and then stop." Oh my God. Is this woman serious? Do you remember the week that Brooke flubbed the intro to "Every Breath You Take?" Paula was practically falling over herself, congratulating Brooke on making the "professional" choice of stopping and starting again after realizing that it just wasn't starting properly. I don't know how much more hypocrisy I can take from this show. And Simon, who enjoyed ripping Jason apart mere minutes ago, now sits there choosing his words very carefully so as not to upset poor Brookey. Why are they all coddling her?? Get her off the stage before she starts babbling!!

Ryan brings Little Lord Archuleroy out to chat, then quickly pimps him out to a gaggle of girls up front, who all jump up on stage to hug him. David has no idea what to do with his hands and looks half frightened/half repulsed. Then he launches into "Think of Me" (Phantom of the Opera), determined to follow Big Lord Webber's advice to keep his dewy puppy dog eyes open the entire time. He does, and he also manages to turn the show tune into a pop ballad. (Well, I tend to think that someone made that transformation for him.) Once again, David sings very well but I'm still bored with him. Maybe it's because I'm over 16. I don't know. The age factor doesn't stop the Three Stooges from showering him with praise (although Simon is a bit restrained) and Randy proclaims him "the one to beat." (Note to Daddy Archuleta: this is not meant to be taken literally, you freak.)

Carly Smithson planned on singing a boring ballad, but A-Lloyd talks her into "Jesus Christ Superstar." She sings it well enough, but there is definitely some shouting involved. Every time she sings, "Jesus Christ," it just sounds like she's pissed off. But, Randy and Paula ain't mad at her, and although Simon agrees with me on the "shoutiness," he still picks Carly's performance as one of his faves of the night.

The anchor man tonight is David Cook, who I have to say is getting better and better looking every week. He looks dizzamn good with all the fuzzy scruff. So much better than that overgrown soul patch. I guess after spending all that time with Michael as a roommate, the sexiness had to rub off at some point. Lord Webber certainly is smitten...he's totally hitting on David! AWKWARD! David escapes the lecherous Brit's clutches and performs another Phantom song, "Music of the Night." Part of me was hoping that he would rock it out, but I'm actually glad that he's staying true to the original song, because he's proving that he has some serious pipes. Randy thinks it's a "molten hot lava bomb," and Simon likes it but would've preferred something "grittier." Paula tells David that he has a "beautiful instrument." Okay, so for those of you playing along at home, that's two sexual harassment suits that David will be bringing against the show if he doesn't win.

So, who's out this week? Based on the critiques and song choice, I am gonna have to say that Jason will most likely be all alone in the moonlight tomorrow evening. It's a tough call though. Brooke was pretty much a mess, so she will be in the Bottom 2. (I think we're down to only a Bottom 2 at this point.) But with the support of VFTW, Brooke might slide through. That leaves Syesha and Carly as possible bottom dwellers. Syesha went first and sang a song that not a lot of people know. Carly shouted a song from a musical that many Christians hate. So, who has the ultimate power? The tweens? The Mormons? The Christian right? VFTW? The producers? I say the latter, and unfortunately they don't like Jason. Plus, it's a boy's turn to go. A beautiful boy, at that. Sorry, Jason.