Wednesday, April 16, 2008

American Idol 7 Results: 4/16/08

Tonight marked the second half of the 120-minute long commercial for Mariah Carey's new album, and the celebration kicked off with a high-octane group sing of..."One Sweet Day?" Sweet merciful crap, that was bad. It was like watching paint dry, nearly falling into a coma from the fumes, and having some of the paint drip into my ears where the chemicals promptly corroded my tympanic membrane. You know how that feels, right?

Paula tried to make Brooke feel better for missing her sister's wedding by dressing up like a table centerpiece. She's so sweet.

Ryan enjoyed his game of Red Rover with Melinda Doolittle so much last year, that he decided to announce tonight's results in the exact same way. Castro went to the left. David Cook went to the right. Carly went to the left. Kristy Lee went to the right. Carly and KLC both took shots at Simon - the former whined that he's been too hard on her while the latter put her thoughts more poetically by simply calling him "a butt."

Fauxhawky McGee took a break from all the resultin' to introduce the latest Ford commercial. Can someone please tell me what the hell Queen ever did to this show? Did Freddie Mercury rebuff Nigel Lythgoe's advances once upon a time? It seems that AI won't stop until every Queen song is destroyed, and I guess they experienced some setbacks when my beloved Michael Johns expertly covered both "Bohemian Rhapsody" and "We Will Rock You/We Are The Champions." On the hit list this week was one of my faves, "I Want To Break Free," which served as the soundtrack to the ridiculous car ad that featured the Idols as - get this - puppets. Well, who said there's no truth in advertising?

With every passing moment of this show, I became more and more happy that Michael broke free of this mess.

Elliott Yamin stopped by to sing a new song. It was pretty good. I always thought he had a good voice and seemed like a nice guy, but he was just kind of boring when he was on AI. He had a message written on his palm, but it was much more meaningful than David Cook's scribbling last week. It said "We miss you Mom" - a tribute to Elliott's mother who passed away recently.

Ryan followed that poignant moment by continuing the long, drawn-out process of separating the bad eggs from the good ones. Syesha was sent to the group on the left, and Brooke (wearing another of Kristy's sparkly tops) headed to the right.

David Archuleta just stood backstage and pretended like he didn't know what was going to happen next. And, just who did Little Lord Archuleroy think he was wearing that red leather jacket and distressed, printed tee? Who let him raid Michael's wardrobe? Did he have exact duplicates made of some Michael pieces, or did he spend the million dollars to have those big, brawny, rugged man clothes altered to fit his puny pubescent frame?

After yet another commercial, the groups were split up just long enough to do another painful call-in viewer Q&A session. Some of the important revelations:

  • Kristy Lee can't get her horse back. Sad.
  • There is such a thing as a National Record Store Day. No matter that there really are no record stores left.
  • Paula is not forever Simon's girl, nor is Simon "straight up" for Paula.
  • Simon clearly hates these Q&A segments. Mostly because 80% of the general public are idiots.
  • David Cook is single. Let the Red/Falwless catfight begin!
Mariah Carey returned to the AI stage with more R&Bland, while showing off another of her dresses from the ForPlay catalog. She just toyed with me the whole time, singing "bye bye" over and over but never actually leaving the stage. One of the very ambitious backup singers had her mic turned up really loudly, so the final screaming parts of the song turned into a vocal bitch-fight between her and Mariah.

After Mariah said "bye bye" for real, it was back to the results. Little David was the last boy standing. In accordance with the prophecy, Archuleta was safe.

Ryan amused himself by making Syesha and David Cook switch groups, as if to say, "Whoooo! You thought you knew what was going down, America! Now what?"

Group A was Syesha, Kristy Lee and Brooke. Group B was David C, Carly and Jason. Ryan asked David A to pick which side he thought was safe and he sat down in the middle of the stage. It was déjà vu all over again.

It came as no surprise that Group A was the Bottom 3. It was slightly surprising that Syesha was saved first, leaving Brooke and KLC on the chopping block. Babbling Brooke lived up to her name as the flood gates opened and all of her jibber-jabber started pouring out of her head. When Ryan asked Simon who he thought would go home, he answered "Kristy," to which Brooke sulkily responded, "Hey! She's my friend!" Simon's response? "Well, swap places." That sure turned Babbling Brooke into Lake Placid.

Turned out, old Si was right. Despite the valiant attempts of Vote For the Worst, rednecks, and Mr. Ed, Kristy Lee Cook was given the boot. During her final song, she made one last pass at Simon, got the eye roll, then bucked the trend of contestants singing better on their elimination night by sucking something fierce.

Something tells me that KLC won't experience quite the same media blitz that Michael Johns has been on since his ouster. Prediction: We'll see her again on the news when she tries to steal her old horse from the mean guy who refused to sell it back.


Anonymous said...

Get a life.

Chancelucky said...

Simon, is that you commenting here?

Darn, my whole plan to root for Kristy and make the season interesting is down the drain or out of the corral.

Seems like isn't working very well at all this year.

Gifted Typist said...

Didn't watch it last night.
Now I'm glad.
Thanks for doing the dirty work, BeckEye.

But good news about KLC.
Next week: The Tower of Babel

Bluez said...

Our Miss Brooks will be next.

SkylersDad said...

Will the video tape that Kristi had of Simon finally come to light?

It's the only reason I can think of that she stayed around this long.

I love Mariah's final advice for the rest of the pack - be you... Wow, kind of rivals the Gettysburg address, doesn't it?

cube said...

I was predicting Brooke. Oh, well.

All in all, it was an awful show.

CDP said...

It was dreadful, I actually watched it. I thought Eliot was OK, and I'm pretty sure that Mariah had a shiv for one of those backup singers; she was all I could hear toward the end of that song (which was excruciating). "In accordance with the prophecy"...ha!

Cleo said...

LOL @ that pic!

elaine said...

I had to laugh at the Forplay comment. We get those delivered to my house; my eight year old found it in the mail box just two days ago. Apparently the people who lived in our house before us had a grown son who lived upstairs but lost his key, so he and his pregnant live-in girlfriend would climb up a ladder to get back into the house late at night. I'm guessing that it was this pregnant girlfriend who had the Forplay catalogue delivered here, which is really odd since it was her baby daddy's parents' house.

Did you notice that Ryan got on the wrong side of Mariah and tried to force her to show the left side of her face? I think he did it on purpose. She would only briefly turn towards him, and that was with her hair covering her face.

Bond said...

Beck...Beck...Beck....your reviews are sounding a tad bitter now...

And They did that split in two groups back in season 5 and Taylor stayed in the middle and refused to move...

Mathdude said...

2/3 and wrongly predicting who got the boot - another tie between us! I'm hangin in there with you, which I consider a victory. Excellent recap as usual. I still like my Final 4 of the 2 Davids, Brooke, and Jason Castro!

Red said...

There will be no cat fight. I already called dibs for life.

I wanted to smack Brooke when she was scolding Simon and even Kristy Lee. That lady needs a massage or something.

Gifted Typist said...

Skyler's Dad:
"I love Mariah's final advice for the rest of the pack - be you... Wow, kind of rivals the Gettysburg address, doesn't it?"


Now I wish I'd seen it!

Suze's Sass said...

I felt like crying when they showed them as puppets in that commercial.

Bloody Awful Poetry said...

This show just gets awful-er and awful-er and yet I am willing to spend an hour a day watching.
I need to re-evaluate my priorities and my path in life.

Glad to see you're sticking with the recaps dude. You make AI actually bearable. Which is saying something.
Thank carrots the Malaysian version of Idol was cancelled ages ago. That was a nightmare within a nightmare.

BeckEye said...

Anon - I have a life. This is my escape from it. And by the way, the anonymous comment bar was raised with "racist fat whore."

Chancelucky - Simon would never be mean to me!

GT - Someone's gotta do it.

Bluez - Probably. Gotta be her or Syesha. Or Carly.

Skylersdad - Oh, I thought she said "DO you." And she was looking at Jason when she said it.

Cube - Yeah, without Michael it's just like a hamburger without the hamb or the urger.

CDP - I like Elliot more now that he has longer hair. But he kind of looks like a hobbit. Nice voice though.

Cleo - Oh, thank you. I would've cried for days if no one had mentioned it. I'm loving the Photoshop.

Elaine - I was trying to think of this other catalog that I used to get...I'd swear it had "USA" or "America" in the title, and it was all slutty clothes. I'm sure Mariah would know. And yeah, I did notice her straining to get Ryan on her "good side."

Bond - Bitter? Me? NEVER!

Mathdude - Our theme song this year will be "Two out of Three Ain't Bad."

Red - Brooke's mother hen schtick is getting super old.

Suze - Crying because you felt bad for them, because it was so right on, or because you were actually watching the show?

BAP - It's easier to watch now that I have my Michael shrine.

Angell said...

LMAO - did Freddy Mercury spurn Nigel's advances? Must have cuz the poor boy is rolling in his grave now the way they're killing his songs.

I Tivo'd this week and scanned through it before work yesterday because I wanted to see who went home. Elliot was great, Mariah got the fwd treatment as did everything else besides the results.

Thank the good Lord above KLC is gone - and I hope Syesha is next.

Keep up the recaps - they're the only thing keeping me sane this season.

Falwless said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA, that's the funniest picture I have seen in, well, ever. Haven't read the post yet, but I had to immediately tell you the pleasure I just got from that photo.

It really takes so little. And I'm so glad you finally got photoshop. Okay, I'll be back after I read. See you in a minute.

Falwless said...


"In accordance with the prophecy, Archuleta was safe."

You bring teh funny always.


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