Sunday, April 27, 2008

Eye Boogers

Like the goop that's always accumulating in the corners of our eyes, the following news items are curiously fascinating:

Wesley Snipes Takes the Money Train to The Hoosegow - Wesley Snipes followed in the footsteps of fellow celebs like Willie Nelson and the naked guy from Survivor by "forgetting" to file tax returns. On Thursday, the actor was sentenced to three years in prison - one year for each count of tax evasion. This should teach celebs a very valuable lesson. That is, if you wanna commit a crime and not have to do the time, you should probably just repeatedly drive drunk or murder someone. You'll be fine. But never, ever mess with the government's money!

Richie Sambora Proves My Earlier Point - Mere hours after charges were brought against the Bon Jovi guitarist (and once-upon-a-time man of my dreams) for driving drunk with his daughter in the car, he cut a deal that kept him out of jail. He's been sentenced to three years of "informal" probation (whatever that means) and gets to go to alkie summer school. No child endangerment charges were filed because, evidently, drunkenly swerving around the road doesn't really endanger your kid that much.

Amy Winehouse Did Something Bad Again...I Think - It seems that Amy and rehab really don't mix, as she apparently fell off the wagon last week, taking out some innocent bystanders in the process with a few well-placed punches and head-butts. According to UK rag, The Sun, "Onlookers told how the married singer snogged a mystery fella at a nightspot and shocked punters by overturning tables and drinks." Um...is that bad? Oh, why can't those British reporters speak English?

Celebutards' Political Picks in High Demand - Not that celebs' opinions on politics should matter at all, but I remember a time when the only ones who mouthed off about topical issues were the ones who seemed to have fully-functioning brains, like Susan Sarandon, Bruce Willis and Eddie Vedder. But, now we're supposed to care which candidate has the all-important bimbo vote? What reporters have so much time on their hands that they can fritter it away by talking politics with the likes of Heidi Montag and Kim Kardashian? I know virtually nothing about politics, but next to these broads I'm practically Mary Matalin. Or James Carville. Or, more appropriately, some famous Independent who I can't name.

...And The Most Shocking News You Will Hear All Year - John Travolta has finally done something that I cannot defend. Click the link and see for yourselves. I'll just be in the bathroom, washing my eyes. And then I'm gonna pray to St. Oprah to help JT find his razor again.

26 comments:

bloody awful poetry said...

Oooh we haven't had any eye boogers in quite a while, ey?

The moustache looks disgusting, btw.
And what exactly is a Kim Kardashian, may I ask? I don't think I've ever heard of her before that reality show thing on E!, which I have not bothered to watch. But what exactly does a Kardashian DO?

Suze's Sass said...

I saw John's stache a couple of days ago. Aye Aye Aye.

Anonymous said...

Well Beck, that stache makes him look like an OLD porn star. I'm not diggin it.

Angela

doorknob_dan said...

Johnny T's finally sporting his Village People inside - on the outside!

Falwless said...

Oh dear god make that horseshoe moustache go away.

Ick!

CDP said...

That is dreadful.

Edge said...

What's the over under on Winehouse being found dead with a nose full of coke all gross and running out her nose and into her horrid British teeth?

Ya, I saw that picture of JT and wanted to start speaking in broken Chinese and jumping around singing "Kung Fu Fighting".

~Jef

SkylersDad said...

snogged a fella and shocked punters eh? cor blimey! that's a bit of a tastey knocker roo eh what?

Sauntering Soul said...

Eww. John's new look is not attractive at all.

Red said...

You made the Money train joke. Who hoo!

Happy Villain said...

I like how the article described it as a masterpiece. Many of history's most heinous tragedies are masterpieces, so the moustache has good company.

Beth said...

I really hate the fact that Kim Kardashian and I are supporting the same candidate.

The Guv'ner said...

HAHA! I almost sent you that Travolta photo of him with the horrendous stache and Mickey Mouse, last week. But even I'm not that cruel.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Odd, I don't recall John Travolta being in porn during the 70s, but obviously I was wrong.

Amy Winehouse really should take up soccer.

GingerSnaps said...

That stache is just wrong. Yuk.

Bond said...

Is that Travolta or Johnny Holmes?

funny stuff

Alice said...

HAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAAAAAAhahahahaaaaa oh john travolta. haa. hahaha. i thought this is why men got married, so their wives could veto this sort of thing?

Barbara(aka Layla) said...

Wow. There is so much to say here. I am appalled by the Snipes/Sambora sentencings - shouldn't they be the other way around. Its crazy. I am going to start hanging in Laguna again just so I can run into Richie and give him a dirty look that says "you are so NOT cute or talented anymore, you are a child endangering, prima-donna, has-been guitar player, that makes a mockery of the law and Jon should be ashamed of you, I know I am."

Celebrities and their political opinions make me sick because too many people are can't think for themselves and will vote for whoever their favorite celebrity likes that day. Of course Bruce doesn't count...if he says vote Obama, of course I will vote Obama :_)

The link to JT would not open, but after reading the comments here, I am rather thankful for that.

FranIAm said...

Um, Beckeye - this one's for you baby.

(that mustache is so wrong at so many levels.)

pistols at dawn said...

Kim Kardashian represents the all-important great ass vote.

Bubs said...

I just showed those Travolta pics to my oldest daughter. Her response:

"Thanks. You just killed my soul."

cube said...

Nay on the moustache. Is it for some creepy upcoming role?

Kristi Mantoni said...

What the hell was he thinking? Is it a Scientology thing? Did Kelly go deaf, dumb AND blind all in the same day? Quick! I need some mental floss!

Writeprocrastinator said...

The ghost of Freddie Mercury called and he wants his moustache bac-


-ow! Would you stop throwing glasses at me?

Writeprocrastinator said...

Next on TLC, John Travolta takes over for Paul Senior and builds a special chopper made entirely of rubber for Richie Sambora...

Johnny Yen said...

Poorly advised 'staches have a long and rich history, including in my own family.

Chicago Cubs player Ryne Sandberg was much-admired by the ladies here in Chicago. He finally succumbed to suggestion and did a poster-- but he posed with a mustache. The poster sank without a trace. I searched the internet and could not find a trace of it; my guess is that he bought every copy of the awful poster and burned it.

A few weeks ago, my son and I visited my parents, and we looked through old photobooks. We came across a picture of my father with his sole excursion into wearing a moustache; it elicited chuckles from my mother, my son and I.

Regarding celebrities who don't pay their taxes-- I'm paying back taxes that were actual mistakes, and I'm a nobody. Why do they think that the IRS won't notice multi-million dollar back taxes that were intentionally not paid by someone famous?

 

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