Wednesday, May 07, 2008

American Idol 7 Results: 5/7/08

American Idol is totally harshing my mellow, man. Jason Castro was finally "voted" off tonight. Oh well. Party at the moon tower, y'all!

While I'm bummed to see him go, I'm actually happy for him. He was absolutely thrilled to be rid of this nonsense. But, since it was pretty much a certainty that he was leaving tonight, why did we all have to sit through an hour of ridunkulousness just to get to this result?

The evening started on a particularly sour note with a more cheesy than usual group sing of Steely Dan's "Reelin' in the Years." Wow, that must have been choreographed by Simon's first grade teacher. I was almost waiting for them all to break into the Macarena. I did kind of enjoy the beginning of the song, when Little Lord Archuleroy almost forgot to start singing. He got that wide-eyed "Daddy's gonna make me sleep in the garage tonight" look on his face and then quickly spat out the verses to catch up with the music.

But guess what? He was safe. Oh, and guess something else! So was the other David! Shock! Awe!

Judge Judy in the house! I thought she might have been there to give a ruling on Paulagate, but no such luck.

The Ford commercial was a little disturbing. Everyone was dressed up like bullfighters. Syesha looked pretty good in her outfit, but boys should never wear tight spandex pants. Unless they're entering a moose knuckle contest.

To the girl who called in to ask David Cook out on a date when he swings through Pittsburgh on the Idol tour - you're kind of an idiot. But, if he actually goes for it, you're a genius. Furthermore, if he actually goes for it, please get Michael Johns' number from him. I'll buy you a Yuengling and a cheesesteak at Primanti's the next time I'm in town. Promise.

I had to switch over to Supernanny when Maroon 5 took the stage. I flipped it back just in time to hear human turd, Adam Levine, giving the Top 4 some nuggets of advice. It was like a master class in "how to be a giant tool."

Bo Bice returned to the AI stage to do his Southern Rock thing. I didn't love his new single, "Witness," but at least he's back to being himself after having been forced to churn out a Bon Jovi-lite debut by the evil Clive Davis a few years back.

After all this, Seacrest finally announced to a beaming Jason that he was going home. He's been like a little ray of sunshine all season long, but he was in rare form tonight. Some of his greatest hits from the evening:

  • When Ryan brought out Jason and Syesha about 15 minutes into the show and pretended like he was already giving the results, Jason got the Vinnie Barbarino I'm-so-confused look on his face and asked, "Are you gonna tell us now?"
  • Seacrest brought up Jason's lyric flub from last night and Jason said, "Someone said I shot Mr. Tambourine Man. Huh huh huh. That's kinda funny."
  • A call-in viewer asked all of the Idols what their biggest obstacle to overcome has been. Jason's answer? "The brain being dead."
  • When Ryan said that Jason seemed relieved to be out, he replied, "Yeah, it's three songs next week. I don't know what I'd have done!"
  • During his sing-out of "I Shot the Sheriff," he didn't even try to hide his glee over going home.
  • And best of all...during Jason's farewell package he was seen in the audition waiting room dueting on "Since U Been Gone" with Renaldo "I Am Your Brother" Lapuz!
The Shrieker will fall next week, clearing the way for the inevitable Duel of the Davids. That is where David Cook will stumble, when faced with the newest Idol single, "I Believe This is My Proud Moment Flying Inside Your Heaven Without Wings." There is no way that Cookie will be able to match The Archuletor's gift for wringing every last bit of sap from maudlin, mid-tempo songs.


GingerSnaps said...


Yeah, Jason was feeling no pain tonight. It was hilarious and entertaining. In fact, he was pretty much the only entertaining aspect of tonight's show.

Falwless said...

That is where David Cook will stumble, when faced with the newest Idol single, "I Believe This is My Proud Moment Flying Inside Your Heaven Without Wings."

Can't. Stop. Laughing. Someone. Help.

I seriously love you.

And at the same time, I am very sorry but did you say you TURNED THE CHANNEL WHEN ADAM LEVINE CAME ON? ARE YOU INSANE??? Human turd? Do I even know you, BeckEye? Do I? Because I'm starting to think it's not going to work out between us.

Chancelucky said...

Jason was really funny tonight. I wish they'd let him show more of his in the earlier weeks.

Bloody Awful Poetry said...

I echo falwless. That whole I Believe This Is My Proud Moment Flying Inside Your Heaven Without Wings is absolute solid genius.

But I do agree with you on that whole Adam Levine =Human Turd thing. Totally.

And I don't think we'll ever know if Jason ever meant to be intentionally funny, but it's classic nonetheless!

fran said...

I don't like Jason, but I admired that knowing he was on the way out, he was at his absolute Jasonest. "The brain being dead" was a classic. He should have just made sure the backstage camera caught him with a bong. That would have ruled.

Gifted Typist said...

Will Jason "I don't give a sheee-it" Castro be the next Christian Bob Marley?

Coaster Punchman said...

Ok Becks, get this: I'm at my parents' house (home to attend a wedding) - and last night I forgot to watch the results. We were at a restaurant and that Nanny show you mention was actually playing.

This morning I woke up, horrified to realize I forgot to watch the results show. So I jump out of bed and jump online to see what is what. And do I go to Yahoo! or the AI official site? No! I go to THE POP-EYE!

Does this mean you've made it to the big time?

Needless to say I am totally bummed about Jason going home. Diareesha's been better in recent weeks, but Jason had such a distinct style and was like a breath of fresh air, a relief from all the "let me shriek out a song and be as Whitney/Mariah/Celine etc. as I possibly can." Yawn. Pull my finger.

Alas, I guess the producers have decided a doobie smoking white dread-boy will not suffice as our Idol.

And while I do not know what a "moose knuckle contest" is, I am not going to Google it because I'm on my dad's computer and I don't want the same thing to happen as when I tried to find out what "camel toe" was at work one day.


Anonymous said...

I love that you actually used the term "Moose Knuckles". You're welcome! :)


CDP said...

Awesome as always. I'm not a Maroon 5 fan, and I could not have been less impressed with the performance and the "advice". Ick.

elaine said...

If you do a google search on "moose knuckle contest," the first result is your blog. No kidding. Now that's something to be proud of!

Beth said...

That Jason dude seems to be a bit of a charmer. Too bad he was cut — or did he suck at singing?

dguzman said...

I've only seen one episode of AI--but I can tell you that none of those people get my vote! The only one I'd even have considered was your "Little Lord Achuleroy" (hee hee) because he has cute teeth (it's a fetish, Beck; it doesn't have to make sense). But you hate him, so he's obviously crap. So--no vote from me.

Red said...

As I already told Fal, I with you on the Adam Levine thing. What a freaking tool.

Very sad to see Jason go (that kid's hilarious), but it will totally be better for him in the long run.

And who the hell is voting for Syesha? Someone should investigate...

Cleo said...

Well, there goes the last of very few interesting contestants this moribund season. I have never seen anyone so happy to leave, nor have I ever been so happy to see someone leave. On a purely selfish level, I would've liked it if he had stayed (especially for his hilarity during the excruciating group numbers), but it was pretty obvious that he wanted to GTFO (especially because of his hilarity during the excruciating group numbers), so good for him. Good for him, but bad for us.

Dale said...

The title of the Idol song you gave them to sing just made the whole crapfest worthwhile!

r cubed said...

That commercial was hard to watch. Yet I couldn't look away. I could, however, change the channel during Maroon 5. So unfair that he gets paid millions or anything at all for that.

I look forward to your recaps much more than the actual show.

Turnbaby said...

Jason was the last bit of interesting--oh well.

Did you also happen to notice that the LONE mention of Taylor Hicks was because of the stamp thing and Ryan rushed over it embarassingly quickly?

Bond said...

Jason wanted out...there was no doubt in my mind...and I think his exit song was a slap at the show

i am so glad he is gone and can meet his buds to burn some buds once again


katrocket said...

Ok, Beckeye, you know I don't watch Idol, but I did catch part of some nasty bullfighter number, and here I am to express my total disgust:

If kids wanted to dress up in humiliating costumes and act like idiots for a marginal shot at becoming a one-hit wonder, Six Flags pays a whole lot better.

Be happy for the stoner kid - he's free at last!


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