Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Hey Hey What Can I Do Write

I am lost, people. LOST. Where is that magic rainbow that David Cook promised me? Tuesdays are like big, gaping black holes now that American Idol has wrapped. THIS YEAR'S POST-IDOL FUNK IS THE FUNKIEST EVER!!!

This horrible empty feeling almost makes me want to run up to three random strangers and shriek out a dramatic rendition of Whitney Houston's "I Have Nothing."

I forced myself to watch much of the MTV Movie Awards on Sunday night, hoping for some inspiration. I had a few snarky comments in mind for ye olde blog, but then Transformers won the award for Best Movie and all my thoughts just flew out the window. I mean, really, what could I say that would match the ridiculousness of that?

I can't even get excited for a full-fledged installment of Eye Boogers. Celebrities are just recycling other celebrities' antics lately.

Clay Aiken is trying to prove that he's not gay by getting a random, older woman pregnant via artificial insemination. Insert Michael Jackson joke here.

Tatum O'Neal claims she bought crack because she was "doing research" for a part. Damn research! It's caused Britney Spears to attack a car with an umbrella and Pete Townshend to download kiddie porn.

Other things that are bothering me...

Paris Hilton's and Benji Madden's dogs are dating. Can the One Night in Tinkerbell sex tape be far behind?

John Mayer. He's everywhere. Why do people like this guy's music? How does he consistently bag hot actress girlfriends? (Keep in mind that these are rhetorical questions. You can try to answer, but I can't possibly buy any reasons you come up with.)

Sex and the City wannabe girls. Ladies, do you remember when you were, like, 10 and you fixed your hair and tried to look pretty just to sit in front of the TV and watch one of your favorite bands or actors? It's kind of cute and funny looking back because it was obviously a pointless exercise. You know what's not cute and funny? Groups of grown women getting dressed to the nines to go sit in a dark movie theater for nearly 2 1/2 hours to watch the sexy, fabulous and unrealistic exploits of four nonexistent gals. My best friend had a great comment about this phenomenon - "There's no need for these bitches to dress up like the characters. It's Sex and the City, not Rocky Horror."

When I went to see the movie over the weekend, the highly over-dressed girls sitting in the row across from me were taking pictures. Not of the movie screen, just of each other. I wish I could've been there for the viewing of the photos. "Here we are at the Sex and the City movie, sitting. Here we are eating popcorn. Here we are laughing. Here we are sitting. Here we are sitting. Here we are sitting."

Also, I swear I heard a champagne cork pop from somewhere behind me right as the opening title sequence started. I was looking around to see if I heard correctly, but obviously it was too dark. I'm still 99% sure that some idiot smuggled champagne into the show. (Okay, so maybe I'm just pissed because I didn't think of it. Because everything is better with champagne.)

That's all for now. Don't forget to enter the caption contest. There are an unusually low number of entries this go-round.


Falwless said...

That was me with the champagne, bitch. Care to make something of it?

Just kidding, just kidding.

I was the one dressed up snapping all the pictures. WHEW! What a NIGHT!

(And I would enter your caption contest but I'm afraid to shame everyone else. Either that or I can't think of a caption to save my fucking life. I'm gonna stick with the former, not the latter. The former. Definitely. Goodbye. See you soon. I'm going now. Ta ta. Please, stop reading.)

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Now you've got me itching to go see Sex and the City in sweatpants and a stretched out tee with tomato stains on it. And I'd bring beer.

Travis said...

It's a rough post-AI this year. Luckily I have DC tunes downloaded. And there's always youtube.

Hang in there! The one thing you can always count on is that some celebrity somewhere will do something stupid.

Moxie said...

So wait, does this mean I shouldn't wear my cute new dress to the SATC screening party I'm going to this Saturday? I should add that the dress was less than $15 - does that count?

Barbara(aka Layla) said...

well for not having much to say you sure went on and on :) I won't try to answer the John Mayer thing but my sister and I discussed that very topic this evening - he's arrogant but i do like a few of his songs.

Please tell me you're joking about chicks dressing up for the Sex flick.
That's...really embarrassing.

Rocky Horror - did you ever go? we used to go on friday nights at midnight sometimes just to watch the weird people watching the movie

evil-e said...

That damned John Mayer and his "Say" song or whatever the hell it's called is going to force me to snap one day. I hear this song through the cubicle wall about 4-5 a day. My neighbor on the other side listens to the "light rock" station from 7:30 until 4:00....present arms!

Gay Gayken is gay, he has been, he is, and ever will be.

Maybe HBO can put out a big screen version of Taxi Cab Confessions or G-String Divas next. What would people dress up as for that....

cube said...

You can always watch Hell's Kitchen.

Slave to the dogs said...

Ermm, yeah, you may not want to look at my SaTC post.

CDP said...

John Mayer is a mystery to me, too. I will fling myself at any device from which his music is playing, just to make it stop.

CDP said...

PS--Wednesday morning sucks now that I can't read your recaps.

gizmorox said...

Did you see David Cook on Best Week Ever last week? He was hilarious! You have to look up the video of him styling Christian Finnegan's hair.

Red said...

Yeah. John Mayer is the new millennium version of Adam Durtz of the Counting Crows: Not very hot "rock" star who bags super hot chicks...and Jessica Simpson.

gifted typist said...

BeckEye, Canadian Idol has begun. Can you pick it up in NYC?
Not sure it's worth it, to be honest.

But hey, you're mentioned in my first review.

Zombie, I'm laughing out loud at your act of SATC subversion, sweat pants, tomato stains and beer!

deadspot said...

You know what else is better with champagne? Orange juice.

Coaster Punchman said...

Um, I think Clay's recent shenanigans only prove he's a mo.

pistols at dawn said...

Men have the same sort of depression after the NFL season ends, which is why Hunter S. Thompson's suicide-ish note (the last thing he wrote, 4 days prior) was entitled "Football Season Is Over."

And John Mayer continues to infuriate me with his hot-lady-nailing and sub par music. Plus, everyone says Jessica Simpson's an idiot, but he dated her for like a year, I think - so what does that make him? Still a smart, funny, soulful musician? This double standard cannot stand. Or someone just needs to punch him a lot.

Dale said...

Jessica, who you met, went to Sex & The City as someone had an extra ticket (someone smartened up at the last minute I guess?) and she said it was ridiculous with women crying and repeating lines and crying and dressed up and crying and she couldn't get out of there fast enough. Now, had there been champagne...

It'd be more fun dressing up for Transformers. Or as Clay Gaiken.

Anonymous said...

John Mayer's music is fantastic. He is an excellent musician and song writer, something many artists today lack . . . ability!


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