Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Make Way For the Newest Firecrotch

For those of you not familiar with the gal in the picture: no, Pamela Anderson does not have a retarded cousin. This is Aubrey O'Day, probably best known as "that dirty, dirty whore on the TV." If that's a little too vague, then she's also the Christina Aguilera wannabe from Danity Kane. If you don't know who Danity Kane are, then you are better men and women than I, because I actually got sucked into Pee Diddly's series, Making the Band, from which they were spawned. Maybe I've liked a couple of their songs too. So what? Don't judge me! We're here to judge this broad!

So, this month's issue of Complex magazine, hilariously tagged as "The Classy Issue," has a very revealing interview and pictorial of Miss O'Day. (How a "buyer's guide for men," which is basically a trashier version of Maxim, can call itself "complex" is beyond me.) First off, the dudes at Complex try to make this all a little more palatable by claiming:

Our photo shoot with the 24-year-old starlet is every male’s fantasy and lampoons the lurid persona the blogosphere has cast on her. She’s wet, disheveled, and looking like “a hot mess” in the best way imaginable, which is why we’ve ironically dubbed this the “Classy” issue.
Ohhhh, I see. It's the blogosphere's fault that she has a bad rep. And her appearance in this magazine, which is sure to add to that rep, is all so very ironic. It makes total sense. I mean, if everyone in the world thought I was a giant slutbag, I would run right out and have a bunch of pictures taken where I look like a cracked-out, crab-infested, ten-cent hooker. And then I would talk about my pornstar friends and how much I love anal sex. And then when the public vomits en masse upon seeing my feature article, I would wag my finger at them and say, "Well, you made me this way."

If you want to see all of Aubrey's photos, you can find them here. I'm sure that most of the menfolk on my blogroll have already seen them and "celebrated" them, but will now pretend like they don't know who this chick is.

If the photos aren't enough to clue you in to her Firecrotch status, here is a brief run-down of her qualifications, culled from the fabulous interview:

1. She's full of shit. First she claims that reality TV created her persona, and then in the next breath practically says that she didn't care, and she was willing to be the "bad girl" of Danity Kane if that's what they needed. She also says that she doesn't sleep around. Her quote was, "I’ve only been with, um…my boyfriends." Um...did she really have to think about that word? Then, because she's such a young innocent, the bulk of the interview ended up being about sex and her period and having sex on her period.

2. She has her own clothing line. Uggghhhhhhh. Doesn't every scantily-clad celebutard have one these days? And she has a shirt in the line that says "I Love Dirty Texting." Great. I bet that's a big hit with all the 13-year-olds doing it on the school bus.

3. She can't masturbate to pornos starring Jenna Jameson anymore, 'cause she's her BFF and that's just weird. Hey, we've all been there.

4. She doesn't like bloggers! Well, obviously. We're all jealous turds who secretly want to be like her. Of course, she wants to bitch about how mean people in the media and blogosphere are, yet admits that as long as it makes her a bigger star, we can talk all the shit we want. This is the most important qualification for a Firecrotch, as I've now come to define it. You can't just be a whore sexually. You have to whore out your soul as well.

As insignificant and unlikable as this girl is, I found myself agreeing with her on at least one issue. She once blew off a guy because he texted her a message and spelled “tomorrow” T-O-M-A-R-R-O-W-W. I thought, "I would totally do that," and started to wonder if I hadn't misjudged Aubrey. Then I took a gander at a picture of her licking a dirty old stripper pole and just hoped she knew how to spell penicillin.


SkylersDad said...

I can honestly say I didn't know who she is. Why would the mag claim she is every males fantasy? She looks like death warmed over.

Dr Zibbs said...

I for one am sick of all of these blond scumbags - and believe me - I like the ladies. Alot!

John Donald Carlucci said...

I saw new pics of her frenching her dog - ewwwwww.


David Amulet said...

Never heard of her until I saw this post. I check out the pix, and I don't see what the fuss is about. HEr face borders on creepy, and her body--while not bad in places--has that "I'm trying to be be too thin for my own body structure" look.

Give me Jessica Alba instead any day.

pistols at dawn said...

I may be a crazy old man who never watches the TV or knows anything about what people are watching, but isn't the celebrity of people like this just ineluctable proof that I'm right to continue popular culture? It's either that, or obsessively reading magazines I've never heard of to parse interviews with her like it was my thesis on Updike, and I'd rather read the Updike, thanks.

Leonesse said...

Pistols said Updike.

Barbara(aka Layla) said...

Unfortunately I can report that today's "real life" teenage girls are seeing chicks like this and thinking they have to be that way to be attractive to guys. I could show you pics of my sons female friends that would make you cry (it may not make the guys cry, but it should - would you want your young daughter oogled by dirty old men?)

Just to clarify - I am not calling your male readers dirty old men. I have to be careful what I say these days I've been misunderstood too frequently....

Bubs said...

Thank you for introducing me to this beauty. I get kind of a Courtney Love vibe from her, but she's a few years, a couple of rehabs and some botched plastic surgeries away from Ms. Love's rarified status.

You're Out of Your Element, Bethie said...

I'm glad to know poor spelling is a turnoff for Ms. O'Day but sad to know I have anything in common with her whatsoever, even if it is just an incident of "tomarow."

Red said...

As much as it pains me to admit it, I like that "Damaged" song.

But, yeah, what a skeeze.

Beth said...

It's not classy to declare your love of anal sex?


the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Wait...there's something trashier and more white trash than Maxim? Really? Huh. Thank you, Beckeye, now I'm slightly less ignorant.

Also, I bet she spells it "penisillin".

John Donald Carlucci said...

"Just to clarify - I am not calling your male readers dirty old men"

That's okay, I'll own that.


words words words said...

1. I'm shocked that there is a magazine even more insulting to me than Maxim. The evolution of magazines that insult men's intelligence: Details > Maxim > Complex.

2. "Celebrated"...that's a new one. I didn't even know there could possibly be a new one. But there it is.

3. I was SO very wrong about what I thought a firecrotch was.


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