Make Way For the Newest Firecrotch

For those of you not familiar with the gal in the picture: no, Pamela Anderson does not have a retarded cousin. This is Aubrey O'Day, probably best known as "that dirty, dirty whore on the TV." If that's a little too vague, then she's also the Christina Aguilera wannabe from Danity Kane. If you don't know who Danity Kane are, then you are better men and women than I, because I actually got sucked into Pee Diddly's series, Making the Band, from which they were spawned. Maybe I've liked a couple of their songs too. So what? Don't judge me! We're here to judge this broad!

So, this month's issue of Complex magazine, hilariously tagged as "The Classy Issue," has a very revealing interview and pictorial of Miss O'Day. (How a "buyer's guide for men," which is basically a trashier version of Maxim, can call itself "complex" is beyond me.) First off, the dudes at Complex try to make this all a little more palatable by claiming:

Our photo shoot with the 24-year-old starlet is every male’s fantasy and lampoons the lurid persona the blogosphere has cast on her. She’s wet, disheveled, and looking like “a hot mess” in the best way imaginable, which is why we’ve ironically dubbed this the “Classy” issue.

Ohhhh, I see. It's the blogosphere's fault that she has a bad rep. And her appearance in this magazine, which is sure to add to that rep, is all so very ironic. It makes total sense. I mean, if everyone in the world thought I was a giant slutbag, I would run right out and have a bunch of pictures taken where I look like a cracked-out, crab-infested, ten-cent hooker. And then I would talk about my pornstar friends and how much I love anal sex. And then when the public vomits en masse upon seeing my feature article, I would wag my finger at them and say, "Well, you made me this way."

If you want to see all of Aubrey's photos, you can find them here. I'm sure that most of the menfolk on my blogroll have already seen them and "celebrated" them, but will now pretend like they don't know who this chick is.

If the photos aren't enough to clue you in to her Firecrotch status, here is a brief run-down of her qualifications, culled from the fabulous interview:

1. She's full of shit. First she claims that reality TV created her persona, and then in the next breath practically says that she didn't care, and she was willing to be the "bad girl" of Danity Kane if that's what they needed. She also says that she doesn't sleep around. Her quote was, "I’ve only been with, um…my boyfriends." Um...did she really have to think about that word? Then, because she's such a young innocent, the bulk of the interview ended up being about sex and her period and having sex on her period.

2. She has her own clothing line. Uggghhhhhhh. Doesn't every scantily-clad celebutard have one these days? And she has a shirt in the line that says "I Love Dirty Texting." Great. I bet that's a big hit with all the 13-year-olds doing it on the school bus.

3. She can't masturbate to pornos starring Jenna Jameson anymore, 'cause she's her BFF and that's just weird. Hey, we've all been there.

4. She doesn't like bloggers! Well, obviously. We're all jealous turds who secretly want to be like her. Of course, she wants to bitch about how mean people in the media and blogosphere are, yet admits that as long as it makes her a bigger star, we can talk all the shit we want. This is the most important qualification for a Firecrotch, as I've now come to define it. You can't just be a whore sexually. You have to whore out your soul as well.

As insignificant and unlikable as this girl is, I found myself agreeing with her on at least one issue. She once blew off a guy because he texted her a message and spelled “tomorrow” T-O-M-A-R-R-O-W-W. I thought, "I would totally do that," and started to wonder if I hadn't misjudged Aubrey. Then I took a gander at a picture of her licking a dirty old stripper pole and just hoped she knew how to spell penicillin.