Thursday, September 04, 2008


So, after months of rumors and blah-blah-blahing, it's been announced that Britney Spears will once again open the MTV Video Music Awards, but not with an exciting musical performance. Hey, why should anything change from last year?

Since Britney thankfully has no new "music" to promote, everyone (well, tweens and fauxhawked boys who work at Uniqlo) is on the edge of their seats, wondering what spectacular surprise she has up her sleeve for Sunday's event. Odds are that she has nothing planned and intends to just show up and halfheartedly wing it. Hey, why should anything change from last year?

However, just in case Brit is looking for a bit more structure for this year's VMA appearance, I have compiled a list of possible openings for her consideration.

  • Pull a rabbit out of her vagina.
  • Make out with Bristol Palin.
  • Demonstrate how to make easy and delicious Percocet Gumbo.
  • Reenact the romantic dinner scene from Lady and the Tramp with Spaghetti Cat.
  • Reveal her plan to ensure more accountability in the subprime lending industry.
  • Challenge Kobiyashi to a hot dog eating contest.
  • Come out dressed like The Joker; jam a pencil through Kanye West's skull.
I think everyone's a winner with the last option, but the censors may not like it. Anyone else have any other ideas?


Barbara Bruederlin said...

She could do all of the above, and then one lucky audience member could be treated to a fabulous Spears hair and wardrobe makeover. I'd chip in to buy you a front row ticket for that.

Dr Zibbs said...

Nice graphics work

pistols at dawn said...

Come out as the new singer for yet another crappy band featuring all the members of Rage Against the Machine, who have now run out of things to rage about and just want to add extra swimming pools to their mansions.

katrocket said...

That was my first time seeing Spaghetti cat. I almost died laughing.

also, Joey Chestnut is the new Kobiyashi.

Malcolm said...

I think it's humorous how you try to cover up your undying love for Kanye West by making disparaging remarks about him.

As for other possible openings for Britney to consider, she could re-enact the closing scene from the movie "Sunset Boulevard".

Happy Villain said...

C'mon, there's no way something as small as a rabbit would stay up in there unless she was walking on her hands. I vote for larger mammals being removed.

dmarks said...

"Rage Against The Machine" could change their name to "Rage Against Those Overly Long Lines at the Bank That Happen on Payday" and become really relevant for once.

evilesb138 said...

I am sure MTV is trying to tell her to keep it low key, it's their style you know.

Anonymous said...

-She dresses up as The Green Goblin and blows the shit up out of P. Diddy while he's sitting in his seat and gloating about how ugly he is.

-She gives birth on stage.

-Her uterus falls out on stage and is given an award. (Or presents an award.)

-She dresses up as a clown and has sex with James Woods on a big tall platform in front of everyone through the whole show.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I'm thinking a combo effort where she does the last one with the pencil and then pulls a rabbit out of her vagina. Especially if she gets one of the rabbits from EK Jon's yard.

If that should fail, I vote that she kick open the doors and start felating everything on the stage. Everything even remotely phallic. Don't acknowledge the crowd. Just keep going. Microphones, flagpoles, Ed McMahon...and then have an old asteroids arcade game over in corner that she has to come to last and then, with a slight hesitation, shrug and then perform cunnilingus on the track ball.

CDP said...

I like the Sunset Blvd suggestion; "I'm still big; it's the VMAs that got small".

Gifted Typist said...

Shove a cruise missile up her arse and then have her perform Start Me Up by the Stones

cube said...

Any one of those would be better than the abject banality of her last performance.

The Guv'ner said...

Well she could come out and have sex with an enormous cucumber as supposedly she's given up sugar and bad carbs and is all about the veggies. I can't imagine she's EATING them though...therefore, voila!

Grant Miller said...

Those all sound fun...and hotttt.

Cormac Brown said...

heh-heh-heh, "Percocet gumbo," heh-heh-heh

SkylersDad said...

I would love to see her try the Linda Blair masturbation scene from the Exorcist, but she would probably just loose the cross.

Scott said...

I'll be live blogging these again. Just because.

words words words said...

I will pretend I live in Chicago and vote for the Kanye/pencil option about seventeen times. But I think MTV WANTS her to fail (like they set her up last time...yes, I'm a conspiracy theorist) so I'm betting on another complicated dance routine.

And again, you are a Photoshop guru :)

LoraLoo said...

LMAO... I loved this. I'm recording the show to watch (read as: point and laugh) later.


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