Friday, November 21, 2008

Name That Funky Baby, White Kids

Ashlee Simpson pushed out a little puppy last night, and she and husband Pete Wentz decided to make his life hell by naming him Bronx Mowgli.

I can't figure out why the Simpson-Wentzes settled on the name "Bronx." I doubt it has any personal significance. I imagine that the closest these two have ever been to the Bronx is when they saw it on that one episode of Flavor of Love, when Flav went to church with his mom. But, it's not that bad of a name. It might suck for a girl, but I suppose it's a pretty masculine, tough name for a boy.

But "Mowgli" for a middle name?? Holy Good Lord, this kid is going to hate them.

As most of you know, Mowgli was the kid in The Jungle Book. What you may not know is that Rudyard Kipling made the name up and, according to the "language of the forest," it means "frog." That's nice. Maybe they can name their next kid Tad Pole? Furthermore, "Mowgli" sounds an awful lot like "Mogwai." Ashlee and Pete better make sure they never feed that kid after midnight. Although, once he hits 16, he'll probably sport a white mohawk and try to kill them anyway, after suffering endless ridicule from his schoolmates.

The funniest thing about all of this is this entry under "Mowgli" on Wikipedia: Many experts have concluded that Mowgli is a terrible name for a dog. This has been confirmed in several studies throughout the world, particularly in Great Britain. "Singer"-songwriter Ashlee Simpson recently named her first child "Mowgli." These same studies also confirm that Mowgli is a terrible name for a child.

First of all, why is just "singer" in quotes? True, Ashlee's not much of one, but she's certainly a better singer than a writer.

Secondly, and most importantly, who funded a project to study dog names?* Are British people really that bored? And how many people really name their dogs Mowgli? Enough that several experts had to be brought in to determine its suitability? Let's all get something straight here. I love dogs, and believe that they are much more intuitive than people give them credit for. But a dog does not care what its name is. All the name is to them is a sound slightly different than the usual blah blah blah it hears coming from you. Go ahead and name your dog Ball Licker; he won't care. And I think most studies would show that it's very appropriate.

Now, it stands to reason that if most "experts" wouldn't even name their dogs Mowgli, it probably wouldn't be a good name for a child. But more studies needed to be done to prove this? Immediately? Ashlee just had her kid last night. I guess as soon as the naming experts heard the news, they all ran down to the think tank and confirmed that Mowgli was a bad choice.

Thank God we have studies like this. Cancer gets way too much attention.


*Of course I know this is probably bullshit. You think I take Wikipedia too seriously?

26 comments:

J. Hi said...

Bronx is a cheap knockoff of the Beckham boy, Brooklyn. Mowgli, that's ridiculous. Will her next kid be Baloo?

words words words said...

Two down, three to go. I suspect that a cabal of celebutards are planning to name children after the five boroughs, and then when the children reach puberty, turn them into a boy band. It's really too bad that Long Island isn't a borough...Ice-T could have sired the most awesome member of all.

McGone said...

I can't wait until someone names their kid "Des Moines Wall•E" and this whole Retarded Celebrity Baby Names epidemic collapses under the sheer weight of its ridiculousness.

Tova Darling said...

Wait, really? I did not even know that Ashlee Simpson was pregnant! Have I been living under a rock?? Obviously, my celebrity awareness leaves much to be desired.

Tova Darling said...

Also, J.Hi - Baloo would be the best baby name ever.

pistols at dawn said...

I'm just glad they didn't name him after another Kipling work - "White Man's Burden."

CDP said...

I suggest "Staten Island Tonto" for the eventual younger sibling.

red said...

Remember the days before Wikipedia? Man, that sucked.

Falwless said...

Well there goes the name I had for my first born. Thanks, McGone. Thanks a lot. I guess I'll have to think up a new name for little Des Moines Wall•E now. Man, that guy ruins everything.

And as for you BeckEye (Oh hi, this is your blog? So sorry..).. I thought the exact same thing when I heard the baby name - it sounds like Mogwai. For reals. Which makes me laugh and laugh.

SouthernBelle said...

ahahahhahahahaaaaaa I was actually confusing Mowgli with Mogwai and wondering why the hell they named their kid after the cute pre-Gremlin fuzzball.

At least they named him after a HUMAN cartoon character.

Me, I may end up naming my children after Blogger verification words - this comment's one is gralligh.

SkylersDad said...

I'm with Tova, Baloo is the mostest rocking name ever!

He can learn "the bare necessities" for his first song.

ÄsK AliCë said...

WWW - I just laughed my ass off at you. Well, at your comment really not at you personally.

ANYWAY, I can't believe they chose Mowgli. Really people? While we're on this Jungle Book kick can I just say I'm naming my first born:

Rikki-Tikki-Tavi after the mongoose in the book? Don't steal that name y'all. I know you want to

Knot said...

Again ... reason enough that people should get a license to have kids.

Knot

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Just what the world needs..another spawn of Simpson.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I understand they've already chosen Moose Jaw Rin-tin-tin for the next one.

Cormac Brown said...

"Shere Kahn" would've been cooler...hell, even "Westchester Louie woulda been better."

Gifted Typist said...

Snoop Poop Dawg.

Dale said...

Why didn't they give the kid a fighting chance and call him O.J. or something simple like that?

Fancy Schmancy said...

Why, oh, why would these cheap "celebs" burden their children with these names? I will never understand it in a million years. They may think they are being unique, but when the money has run out all they will have is a pissed off 14 year old child with an entitled attitude wondering what the f they were thinking!

CP said...

With the weird shit people name their kids these days, "Bronx" is probably pretty tame. I think in 40 years people named "Tom" and "John" will be taunted on the playground for having such boring names.

I love the bit about the dog experts and their scholarly work on dog names. Remember the Far Side cartoon with "blah blah blah GINGER blah blah blah?"

CP said...

Oh, I'm still signed in to "Five Things I Hate." But it's just me, Coaster Punchman.

aliencg said...

Celebrities. Go figure.

Slave to the dogs said...

If I chose a Jungle Book name for my dog I'd go with Baloo. I'd like to know what that study's criteria are.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

I have nothing to say on this matter, but I just wanted to quote something an old friend of mine said this week after he discovered The Imaginary Review:

" [I] need to get a blogger account so i can review your reviews and join the likes of Some Guy and Black Eye."

There you go, Black Eye.

Happy Villain said...

Do you have to be a celebutard in order to think up such stupid names? You should sponsor a contest to come up with the worst possible baby name. But then someone in Hollywierd will pop out a kid and name it something totally unreal and steal the prize. :(

words words words said...

Happy Villain gave me an idea. Instead of appearing on "The Surreal Life", some fading star should hold a nationwide contest to name her baby. She would have to name it whatever we choose. We could make it as stupid as we want!

 

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