Name That Funky Baby, White Kids

Ashlee Simpson pushed out a little puppy last night, and she and husband Pete Wentz decided to make his life hell by naming him Bronx Mowgli.

I can't figure out why the Simpson-Wentzes settled on the name "Bronx." I doubt it has any personal significance. I imagine that the closest these two have ever been to the Bronx is when they saw it on that one episode of Flavor of Love, when Flav went to church with his mom. But, it's not that bad of a name. It might suck for a girl, but I suppose it's a pretty masculine, tough name for a boy.

But "Mowgli" for a middle name?? Holy Good Lord, this kid is going to hate them.

As most of you know, Mowgli was the kid in The Jungle Book. What you may not know is that Rudyard Kipling made the name up and, according to the "language of the forest," it means "frog." That's nice. Maybe they can name their next kid Tad Pole? Furthermore, "Mowgli" sounds an awful lot like "Mogwai." Ashlee and Pete better make sure they never feed that kid after midnight. Although, once he hits 16, he'll probably sport a white mohawk and try to kill them anyway, after suffering endless ridicule from his schoolmates.

The funniest thing about all of this is this entry under "Mowgli" on Wikipedia: Many experts have concluded that Mowgli is a terrible name for a dog. This has been confirmed in several studies throughout the world, particularly in Great Britain. "Singer"-songwriter Ashlee Simpson recently named her first child "Mowgli." These same studies also confirm that Mowgli is a terrible name for a child.

First of all, why is just "singer" in quotes? True, Ashlee's not much of one, but she's certainly a better singer than a writer.

Secondly, and most importantly, who funded a project to study dog names?* Are British people really that bored? And how many people really name their dogs Mowgli? Enough that several experts had to be brought in to determine its suitability? Let's all get something straight here. I love dogs, and believe that they are much more intuitive than people give them credit for. But a dog does not care what its name is. All the name is to them is a sound slightly different than the usual blah blah blah it hears coming from you. Go ahead and name your dog Ball Licker; he won't care. And I think most studies would show that it's very appropriate.

Now, it stands to reason that if most "experts" wouldn't even name their dogs Mowgli, it probably wouldn't be a good name for a child. But more studies needed to be done to prove this? Immediately? Ashlee just had her kid last night. I guess as soon as the naming experts heard the news, they all ran down to the think tank and confirmed that Mowgli was a bad choice.

Thank God we have studies like this. Cancer gets way too much attention.


*Of course I know this is probably bullshit. You think I take Wikipedia too seriously?