Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Eye Boogers

Like the goop that's always accumulating in the corners of our eyes, the following items are curiously fascinating:

Etta James Covers Beyoncé Diss - Weeks after legendary blues mama Etta James made some disparaging remarks about Beyoncé's performance of "At Last," a song James made famous, she claims that she was just kidding around. There is no way in the world she was joking, so I don't know why she's trying to save face now. Maybe because she knows that one day Beyoncé will replace the very air that we breathe? Hey, I know that my girl Etta has taken a lot of crap for her remarks, but I'm on her side on this one. I like Beyoncé, as I'm sure Etta does. But we're both sick of her. Who wouldn't be, when she's all up in everything all the time? I agree that President Obama should've had Etta sing the song. I don't care who wrote it; it will always be HER song. Nobody does it better. Apparently, Ms. James lashed out because her feelings were hurt. Well, I would like to extend an invitation to Etta right now. Etta, I would be honored if you would come sing at my birthday party next week. I hope you will because, as much as I love you, I am sure as hell not forking over almost $90 to see you at B.B. King's this May.

Christian Bale: F**K is the New Black - Christian Bale says he's sorry about his F-bomb laden tirade on the set of Terminator: Salvation, but I'm not sure if he's sorry because he honestly feels bad for acting like a pissy little bitch, or he's just sorry that the outburst was made public. Whatever the reason, he shouldn't be sorry. That tape is the biggest hit in his career! It hasn't even hurt his image any because 1) He's Batman, 2) He's good-looking, 3) He's British, and therefore innately charming, and 4) PEOPLE LOVE CUSSING. The best part is that the rant has spawned a sea of fabulous Internet parodies, including the Bill O'Reilly mashup, Christian Taking David to the Dentist, and my favorite, the dance remix. That song makes me want to go breakdance fighting.

A-Rod's Got a Shrunken Pee-Rod - I'm assuming that it's shrunken, considering.

Michael Phelps and Friends in Deep Bong Water - So now people are being arrested and the bong that touched the lips of an Olympic champion has been confiscated? Give me a break. Does our society really have that big of a problem with weed? No one flips out about people drinking alcohol. Celebs routinely get sloshed and drive their SUVs on the sidewalks of L.A. and they just get slapped on the wrist while the media laughs. But a guy has a few tokes, gets the munchies, falls asleep, and doesn't hurt anyone, and suddenly sponsors are pulling their support and idiots are calling to have his medals stripped. It's ridiculous. It's not like A-Rod up there, with his shriveled twig and berries, popping pills to make him a better athlete. Marijuana is not a performance-enhancing drug. And not that Phelps ever smoked a joint before a big race, but holy hell, if he ever did, he should get an extra medal for that. And a bag of chips.

Some Athletes Are Just Naturally Awesome - They can even win a Super Bowl with broken ribs.

Miley Cyrus Update: Still an Idiot - Poor mistunderstood little Miley wants everyone to know that she's not racist, after a picture surfaced showing her and some friends making "slant-eye" faces as they flank some Asian dude. As expected, her sense of entitlement and immaturity manifested into a response that was mostly bratty whining, complete with bitching about the media and even an unnecessary swipe at Britney. (Normally, I think most swipes at Brit are necessary, but Miley was just grasping at straws here, looking for anything to deflect attention away from herself.) My favorite part of her rant: "If that would of been anyone else, it would of been overlooked!" Oh yeah, Miley? Like if it had been, oh, I don't know, the entire Spanish Olympic basketball team? Yeah, they'd totally get a pass. And, by the way, it's "would've" or "would have." Stay in school. Drink your milk. Shut the hell up.

Hilary Duff Needs to Be Beaten With A Wire Hanger - So, there is a feud boiling between Faye Dunaway and Hilary Duff, stemming from Dunaway's comment upon learning that the Disney star has been tapped to play Bonnie in a remake of Bonnie and Clyde. After Dunaway cracked, "Couldn't they at least cast a real actress?" Duff shot back with the battle cry of all young tarts, ""I might be mad if I looked like that now, too." Nothing more has been heard from Faye, but Hilary continued to blather on about the issue, justifying her comment by stating that "It's not OK for people to take stabs at you and to say mean things for no reason." I agree. I don't know enough about Duff's acting to say anything negative about it. So, let's talk about her music. Wow, does that suck. I hope they can at least get some real musicians to do the Bonnie and Clyde soundtrack.

Chris Brown Needs to Be Beaten With A Wire Hanger Also - Only days after the report broke that the singer assaulted his girlfriend, Rihanna, I've already seen an article on the E! website about Brown's Daddy-abuse issues, so I'm sure Brown's publicist is planning on throwing a Chris Brown pity party. I think I'll pass. What a punk.


words words words said...

Wow. My conclusion is that everyone famous should keep their mouths closed at all times. Wouldn't the world be a much nicer place?

However, regarding Mr. Phelps...I sort of agree with your overall thrust, but there is the wee matter of alcohol being legal and marijuana being illegal. It does make a difference.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

I thank you for the indirect assertion that I am innately charming. Fuck yeah!

And I'm totally with you over Phelps. When I heard about it I just wanted to see him in a press conference say, "yeah, I smoke dope, and I've got more Olympic gold medals than all you dickheads combined!"

Shit, what must he be like when he gets the munchies? He already eats fifteen million calories a day...

SkylersDad said...

Maybe Chris Brown and Hillary Duff can get together and beat on each other.

red said...

I've heard Etta James doesn't sound very good lately. Like with most things, the voice goes as you get older.

I've only seen Hilary Duff in the Cheaper By the Dozen movies (shut up!) and she is terrible.

Gifted Typist said...

Hilary Duff is a three dressed up as a nine but only looks like a two.

Anonymous said...

Wait a minute. What the hell? I thought you wanted me to sing at your birthday party next week? I've been practicing. Damn Beckeye!!

Tony Alva said...

A wire hanger wouldn't hurt enough for that turd. I just don't see how ANY dude hits a women like that and thinks anybody is going to feel anything but scorn for him forever. He'll now go the way of Ike T. See ya buddy.

Bubs said...

That Christian Bale mix is the best thing I've heard in ages.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I'm making a first dance mix cd for my niece's upcoming wedding. I think I'll add the Christian Bale remix to it. Nothing says romance quite like that.

Alice said...

HAHAHAHA i love the imaginary reviewer's point. seriously, the guy eats 2 lbs of pasta in one sitting. does he go buy out the entire dorito section of the supermarket when he's high??

Cormac Brown said...

Normally in real life, I don't advocate people getting hurt, but...

Hillary, check your resume'. You might think you're an actor, but you have yet to do a serious role and you don't have the depth to portray Bonnie Parker. Slap yourself four times hard.

Anyone who questions the heart of Big Ben should be tackled Troy Palomalu at full speed.

Speaking of being tackled by Troy, Chris Brown should become the tackling sled for the Steelers and that's just for the biting alone. Don't let me get started on the abuse.

I can't believe Subway dropped Phelps, you'd think that they would want to keep the "muchie crowd."


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