Monday, February 23, 2009

Oscars, Schmoscars

Welcome to The Pop Eye's 4th Annual Schmoscar Awards! No song and dance numbers here...I'll just get right to it.

Hottest Chick of the Night: I'll have to go with Kate Winslet on this one. I didn't see CZJ anywhere in the audience (even though her hubby was presenting), so Kate was probably the next highest up on my lesbian list of anyone there. She always looks stunning, so it's hard not to pick her for this category. And her dress was gorgeous. (Last year's winner: Marion Cotillard.)

Hottest Chick Runner-Up: We didn't see much of her during the telecast, but I found pics of Evan Rachel Wood online after the show and thought she just looked fantastic. The "Greek goddess" look achieved with the classic updo and flowing, neutral gown reminded me a lot of the winner of the first Hot Chick award in 2006, Uma Thurman. (Last year's winner: Katherine Heigl.)

Hottest Guy of the Night: I didn't expect John Travolta to be at the ceremony, so I figured there was a 90% chance that this award would go the host this year. And sure enough, the Schmoscar goes to Hugh Jackman. My only complaint? His tux was not a tear-away. How dare he. He had to know that every single woman (and a lot of men) watching were just counting down the minutes until he took his shirt off. We were robbed! (Last year's winner: John Travolta.)

Hottest Guy Runner-Up:
I guess it will have to go to Robert Downey, Jr. Not to put him down or anything, because he did look good, but I didn't really see too many other hot dudes to pick from this year. Where was Patrick Dempsey? Ryan Gosling? Why is Ewan McGregor never there?? I will say that Zac Efron was looking pretty good, and I almost gave him this award. But when I looked at all of his pictures, he looked like he was 12 and I started to feel a little creepy. (Last year's winner: Patrick Dempsey.)

Worst Dressed: It's a trifecta of horrors this year, as I can't decide between Vanessa Hudgens, who looked like she stuffed herself inside a Victorian parasol; Meryl Streep, who appeared to be wrapped in a drab bedsheet; and Tilda Swinton, who opted for two bedsheets and must have hired David Bowie's Heroes-era stylist to do her hair and makeup. (Last year's winner: Tilda Swinton.)

Best Use of Fabric: I'm pretty sure that Reese Witherspoon's dress was made out of whatever was left over from the one Queen Latifah wore during the death montage/tribute song. Just one more sign of the recession.

Best Impression of a Dinner Napkin: Jessica Biel. Well, I am really impressed. I didn't think anyone could snag this award from Cameron Diaz, two-time winner and sole reason for this Schmoscar's existence. Perhaps knowing that Diaz would be absent from the proceedings, Biel bravely stepped up to ensure that this category would not be retired this year. (Last year's winner: Cameron Diaz.)

Best Impression of a Wedding Cake Topper: Miley Cyrus. Man, that thing was worse than any of the bridesmaid's dresses I was forced to wear in the '80s. I know that most of you were too busy trying to figure out why Hannah Montana was there in the first place to notice her dress, but it's really a pointless exercise. Just get used to her being everywhere. In fact, look out! She's right behind you! (New category; replaced "Best Impression of a Hot Dog Topping" due to all the neutral tones worn this year.)

Best Moment of the Night: Although James Franco and Seth Rogen's taped skit about watching all of 2008's comedies was pretty funny, nothing beat Hugh Jackman's opening number. I'm not even sure what I liked best about it - his general gorgeousness and talent, his dig at the Academy's annual snubbing of comic book movies, the Frost/Nixon duet with Anne Hathaway (who surprised me with her serious pipes), or the hilarious Sprockets-like techno interpretation of The Reader. Oh, I know what my favorite part was - the Craigslist dancers! I'm still laughing about that. (Last year's winner: Jon Stewart bringing Marketa Irglova back out onstage to give her acceptance speech.)

Worst Moment of the Night: The medley about musicals was totally not necessary and way too long. Even Hugh couldn't save that. And making it all the more intolerable was the presence of Beyoncé. Arrrrrgh. Look, I like her music but I'm just so sick of her. Aren't we all? I'm convinced now more than ever that she has actually cloned herself, like in that Michael Keaton movie that never won an Oscar. (Last year's winner: Amy Adams' completely out-of-context performance of a song from Enchanted.)

Best Reason to Wear a Garlic Necklace or Tie: Robert Pattinson. This guy honestly scares the bejeezuz out of me. I can't believe he's a teen heartthrob. He's either really a vampire or just a big-time heroin freak. This is a new category, but similar awards have been given to Gary Busey (two-time winner for "Best Reason for Better Security"), Saoirse Ronan ("Creepiest Nominee"), and Eva Green ("Scariest Looking Chick").

And finally, the "Why Does This Woman Get Invited To The Oscars When She Has No Reason For Being There Other Than To Wear a Slinky Dress and Show Off Her Perfect Body?" Award goes ever, Lisa Rinna. I think I may just have to change the name of this award to the "Lisa Rinna Award." The original title is awfully clunky. (Last year's winner: Lisa Rinna. Duh.)


SouthernBelle said...

RDJ cleans up good, huh?

I'm over the Oscars, but I love the Schmoscars!

Dale said...

You done the Oscars prouder than they done themselves Beckeye. I must have died during the death tribute, I don't even remember that part. Most spontaneous moment was when SJP nearly fell. That would have been pretty incredible, are those her boobs? Where did they come from?

words words words said...

Kate Winslet is my favorite. Of pretty much anything. But I didn't like how she looked last night. I'll give Hottest Chick to Taraji P. Henson.

And wow, I could not agree more about Robert Pattinson. I would not have been surprised to see him at the Oscars bar sneaking a travel bottle of laundry bleach out of his jacket and spiking his drink.

red said...

RDJ looked good! And so did The Franco, as always.

Malcolm said...

Good call on Kate Winslet. I like a celeb who's got curves and isn't ashamed of them. Her accent boosts her hot quotient up another notch.

Although she hasn't reached it yet, Tina Fey is perilously close to making my "sick of seeing them" list.

popsavant said...

Now, I agree Kate is no slouch, but I've gotta give the nod to Anne Hathaway for hottest chick of the night.

I didn't think much of the tribute to musicals number, either - and I love me some musicals. The pacing was all wrong, the selections were inadequate, and Beyonce just wasn't up to the task.

I thought nothing really worked well last night. Hugh Jackman was passable, but I think they need to go back to the previous way of doing things. Maybe even dust off Billy Crystal...

Candy's daily Dandy said...

HAHAHA! I totally agree with you on everything!!I gave my own awards on my place today..

Robert Downey Jr. looks exactly like my brother-it's uncanny.

And hello-I love the Lisa Rinna award the best!

LiLu said...

I don't know WHAT Reese Witherspoon thought she was doing with that dress. If it could make HER arms look fat (and it did), then it was definitely an atrocity.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I can't get used to skinny Seth Rogen, it freaks me out. But damn I would love to smoke a joint with him and James Franco. Especially if we got to watch Mickey Rourke repeat his Independent Spirit speech.

Iron Man was robbed, though!

Jen said...

While I do have to disagree with you about Rob Pattinson (he is just so sexy), I'm with you on the RDJ. HOT!!! And I didn't notice about Reece and Queen's dresses being so similar. Both hideous.

CDP said...

I'd actually give the Lisa Rinna award to Jessica Biel. Was she even in a movie in 2008? Maybe she was, I'm out of touch. And I loved the opening number too, Anne Hathaway was awesome.

Anonymous said...

Good recap, and I agree with you on most of the awards. Well done.

Why does Lisa Rinna always look like she's sucking on a lemon? I'm so sick of that.

However, she did manage to wear something other than animal print, so I'll stop complaining.

Gifted Typist said...

I thought RDJ looked old, as in really aging fast.

Agreed on all other fronts. Love KW.If I were an L ...

Gifted Typist said...

Weren't you a cringing when Jenn had to stand two feet in front of Brad and Lips Jolie?

Scott said...

wow, lisa rinna presented? thanks, i'm going to add that piece of info to my oscar post.

pistols at dawn said...

Somehow, I've gone from "Maybe I'll watch the Oscars" to outright disdain for them. Not sure how that happened.

bloody awful poetry said...

RDJ looked fab, indeed! But so did Franco, I must say. And his skit with Seth Rogen was the one part of the whole morning(night, for you Westerners) where I was absolutely and completely awake.

And Rob Pattinson is scary man. Did you see all them creepy faces he was making behind Mickey Rourke while the best actor nominees thing was going on?

ÄsK AliCë said...

WAaay better then the actual awards

WendyB said...

I don't see any ass flowers in this list! Shame!

Cormac Brown said...

Tilda is looking more and more like an escapee from "Aeon Flux," the animated version.

Happy Villain said...

Sorry, I never noticed Lisa Rinna's body before. I can't stop staring at the bizarre lips. What hack plastic surgeon is responsible for that mess and why hasn't s/he been burned at the stake? Are you sure she has a perfect bod? Maybe I'll have to look closer next year, because you KNOW she'll be there again.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

You've written the perfect post Oscars post - I agree with everything you've said.


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