Oscars, Schmoscars

Welcome to The Pop Eye's 4th Annual Schmoscar Awards! No song and dance numbers here...I'll just get right to it.

Hottest Chick of the Night: I'll have to go with Kate Winslet on this one. I didn't see CZJ anywhere in the audience (even though her hubby was presenting), so Kate was probably the next highest up on my lesbian list of anyone there. She always looks stunning, so it's hard not to pick her for this category. And her dress was gorgeous. (Last year's winner: Marion Cotillard.)


Hottest Chick Runner-Up: We didn't see much of her during the telecast, but I found pics of Evan Rachel Wood online after the show and thought she just looked fantastic. The "Greek goddess" look achieved with the classic updo and flowing, neutral gown reminded me a lot of the winner of the first Hot Chick award in 2006, Uma Thurman. (Last year's winner: Katherine Heigl.)

Hottest Guy of the Night: I didn't expect John Travolta to be at the ceremony, so I figured there was a 90% chance that this award would go the host this year. And sure enough, the Schmoscar goes to Hugh Jackman. My only complaint? His tux was not a tear-away. How dare he. He had to know that every single woman (and a lot of men) watching were just counting down the minutes until he took his shirt off. We were robbed! (Last year's winner: John Travolta.)


Hottest Guy Runner-Up: I guess it will have to go to Robert Downey, Jr. Not to put him down or anything, because he did look good, but I didn't really see too many other hot dudes to pick from this year. Where was Patrick Dempsey? Ryan Gosling? Why is Ewan McGregor never there?? I will say that Zac Efron was looking pretty good, and I almost gave him this award. But when I looked at all of his pictures, he looked like he was 12 and I started to feel a little creepy. (Last year's winner: Patrick Dempsey.)

Worst Dressed: It's a trifecta of horrors this year, as I can't decide between Vanessa Hudgens, who looked like she stuffed herself inside a Victorian parasol; Meryl Streep, who appeared to be wrapped in a drab bedsheet; and Tilda Swinton, who opted for two bedsheets and must have hired David Bowie's Heroes-era stylist to do her hair and makeup. (Last year's winner: Tilda Swinton.)


Best Use of Fabric: I'm pretty sure that Reese Witherspoon's dress was made out of whatever was left over from the one Queen Latifah wore during the death montage/tribute song. Just one more sign of the recession.

Best Impression of a Dinner Napkin: Jessica Biel. Well, I am really impressed. I didn't think anyone could snag this award from Cameron Diaz, two-time winner and sole reason for this Schmoscar's existence. Perhaps knowing that Diaz would be absent from the proceedings, Biel bravely stepped up to ensure that this category would not be retired this year. (Last year's winner: Cameron Diaz.)

Best Impression of a Wedding Cake Topper: Miley Cyrus. Man, that thing was worse than any of the bridesmaid's dresses I was forced to wear in the '80s. I know that most of you were too busy trying to figure out why Hannah Montana was there in the first place to notice her dress, but it's really a pointless exercise. Just get used to her being everywhere. In fact, look out! She's right behind you! (New category; replaced "Best Impression of a Hot Dog Topping" due to all the neutral tones worn this year.)

Best Moment of the Night: Although James Franco and Seth Rogen's taped skit about watching all of 2008's comedies was pretty funny, nothing beat Hugh Jackman's opening number. I'm not even sure what I liked best about it - his general gorgeousness and talent, his dig at the Academy's annual snubbing of comic book movies, the Frost/Nixon duet with Anne Hathaway (who surprised me with her serious pipes), or the hilarious Sprockets-like techno interpretation of The Reader. Oh, I know what my favorite part was - the Craigslist dancers! I'm still laughing about that. (Last year's winner: Jon Stewart bringing Marketa Irglova back out onstage to give her acceptance speech.)

Worst Moment of the Night: The medley about musicals was totally not necessary and way too long. Even Hugh couldn't save that. And making it all the more intolerable was the presence of Beyoncé. Arrrrrgh. Look, I like her music but I'm just so sick of her. Aren't we all? I'm convinced now more than ever that she has actually cloned herself, like in that Michael Keaton movie that never won an Oscar. (Last year's winner: Amy Adams' completely out-of-context performance of a song from Enchanted.)

Best Reason to Wear a Garlic Necklace or Tie: Robert Pattinson. This guy honestly scares the bejeezuz out of me. I can't believe he's a teen heartthrob. He's either really a vampire or just a big-time heroin freak. This is a new category, but similar awards have been given to Gary Busey (two-time winner for "Best Reason for Better Security"), Saoirse Ronan ("Creepiest Nominee"), and Eva Green ("Scariest Looking Chick").

And finally, the "Why Does This Woman Get Invited To The Oscars When She Has No Reason For Being There Other Than To Wear a Slinky Dress and Show Off Her Perfect Body?" Award goes to....as ever, Lisa Rinna. I think I may just have to change the name of this award to the "Lisa Rinna Award." The original title is awfully clunky. (Last year's winner: Lisa Rinna. Duh.)