Tuesday, March 31, 2009

American Idol 8: Overdrawn at the Theme Bank

Tonight's theme, if you want to call it that, is "any songs that are popular digital downloads." So, like, every song released after 1950. Too bad for Megan, who is probably praying for Carmen Miranda Week.
To start the show, Ryan talks to the judges, who have nothing of value to say. Kara attempts to define "artistry" in under a million pointless words. And speaking of true artists, Lisa Rinna and Harry Hamlin are in the audience! Don't these two have a Danielle Steele novel-based movie they should be working on?

First up to bat is Anoop Desai, who plans to honor Randy's whiny requests for more "energy" by singing Usher's "Caught Up." Well, it is indeed more energetic than his last two performances, but this is just aight for me, dawg. The vocals aren't bad, but I hate the mock-serious faces that Anoop keeps making. And I'm not sure that Indian dudes who say "homies" sound any less ridiculous than white dudes who do. Four of Anoop's frat brosephs are in the audience. It's nice that they took time out of their busy beer pong and date rape schedule to support their pal. And by "support," I mean "make loud drunken noises while mugging for the cameras." Randy seems happy with Anoop's vocals, but he's not completely sold on the song. Neither is Kara, who says that the performance felt like something a bunch of frat guys (not pointing out anyone specific, of course) dared him to do, and that it lacked originality. Paula spits out an amalgam of Randy and Kara's thoughts, while Simon blasts Anoop for a "complete, utter mess." Anoop stayed calm through it all, but it was obvious that he was fighting the urge to give every one of the judges swirlies.

Megan Joy 's hair looks hideous. It's as if she fell asleep in Jason Castro's car while they were thinkin' Bob Marley and doing bong hits, and woke up five minutes before she had to go on. She sings "Turn Your Lights Down Low," by Bob Marley...and Lauryn Hill. Yes, it's another one of those live-person-singing-over-a-track-a-dead- person-already-recorded songs that we all love so much. Megan attempts to make an emotional connection with the song by standing near-motionless and wearing a completely vacant expression, all while killing poor, defenseless notes. Kara, after bitching that Anoop wasn't original enough,insists that Megan should have sung an Adele song since she sounds more like her. As she is babbling, some guy (not sure if it's one of the frat boys, one of Megan's friends, or just a very astute audience member) shouts at her, "BROKEN RECORD!" Oh, SNAP. I totally wanna marry that guy. Paula takes over, and I honestly have no idea what she's saying. Something about a stool. No clue. Simon's love affair with Megan must be officially over, because he calls the song boring and montonous, and accuses M-Joy of becoming "indulgent." (I swear, this season feels like Pee-Wee's Playhouse. Every time Simon says "indulgent" I feel like I should start screaming.) Randy tries to puts Kara's record back together again by telling Megan that she should be choosing Adele, Duffy, or Amy Winehouse songs. Oh, won't someone break that record over his giant walrus head?

Danny Gokey is up next, and I hold my breath and wait for Seacrest to bring up the news that Danny's grandfather passed away last week. Surprisingly, nothing is mentioned. Look, I feel bad for the guy, but he's already cruised through to the Top 2 (yes, I know we're not there yet, but let's not pretend we don't know what's happening) on the appeal of his widower backstory. I'm sure Idol is playing it safe by not bringing up the grandfather, because there has already been a backlash from fans who think that Gokey is pimping the memory of his wife to get votes. I have to say that the very first time I saw this guy, I thought he was kind of cute and seemed sweet. Then, as I saw more of him, he started to rub me the wrong way. I think after tonight, I genuinely despise him. First of all, he gives a mostly average performance (with a few good moments) of that whiny Rascal Fatts song, "What Hurts the Most," screaming so much through the middle that he nearly runs out of oxygen. Then, the judges go NUTS over him, tossing around words like "brilliant" and claiming that Danny "moved everyone in the room." (He didn't move me, unless you count the time I got up to get the puke bucket.) And the clincher was his post-performance comment...something about how he's able to connect with a song and take it to a whole new level. Arrrrrgggh! Smug much? I just want to punch him in his never-ending parade of Sally Jesse Raphael glasses.

Why does everyone think this guy is such an original? I don't get it.

Oh hey, there's David Spade behind Jackson! I desperately want him to go up to Danny after the show and say, "I really liked you the first time I saw you on American Idol. When you were Elliot Yamin."

Allison Iraheta is on crack. Or at least her stylist is. Seriously, what is she wearing? She looks like the love child of Glambert and Tina Turner after a day of rummaging around in Betsey Johnson's closet. Yikes. She decides to play the guitar during her version of No Doubt's "Don't Speak," although I'm not sure why. She strums it for about 25 seconds and then just holds it at her side through the rest of the song. I usually like Allison, but I'm not digging this performance. It's just loud and her enunciation is very odd. (It looks as though you're letting go = It nooks azzo, hoor hetting go.) I still like the raspy voice, I just think she's overdoing it tonight. The judges have mixed opinions on the vocals, but can all agree that the outfit makes Allison look like a major spaz.

Speaking of spazzes, Scott MacIntyre actually has his crazy hair under control tonight. He's gellin' like a felon. I guess he saw heard the great reaction that Adam got last week for his slicked back 'do, and he's hoping to appeal to that demographic. I guess he's also trying to appeal to fans of lounge lizard music, as he takes on Billy Joel's "Just the Way You Are." Apparently, it's not a boring enough song for Scott as-is, because he slows it down a bit and strips the arrangement down to just the piano. Honestly, this is the best I've heard him in the competition, but he's still exceedingly average. Kara, Simon, and Randy all think that Scott made a great song choice and turned in his best performance so far, while Paula babbles about how great it is that Scott's "challenge" doesn't even seem like a "challenge," because he makes her forget that he's "challenged," and so it's like he doesn't even have a "challenge." But he does, which makes her super-duper proud of him. But not just because he's "challenged." She swears.

Matt Giraud cries some more about how much it sucked to be in the Bottom 3 last week before taking on The Fray's "You Found Me." Okay, now I know this band is ultra vanilla, but I honestly love this song. I'm concerned that Matt is going to make me like him even less by botching this big time, and...oh no. Is he serious? Is he really playing that keyboard DOWN IN THE IDIOT PIT?? And, wow, these idiots are really raising the bar for future pit dwellers because, even though Matt slowed down the tempo of an already mid-tempo song, none of these stupid girls can find the beat. They're all clapping about two seconds too late. It would be painful to watch if it wasn't so damn funny! However, Matt's vocal on this is not fun to hear. It's just a big ol' mess with some seriously whacked out falsetto. Paula gets her third boo of the season when she tells Matt that it wasn't great. Simon gets all parental on him with comments like, "You can frown all you like," and "Why can't you be more like Danny?" Okay, so that last one isn't a direct quote, but that's basically what he was saying. Kara still has the hots for Matt, so she says she doesn't want him to go home but warns him that he can't have his rock and eat his R&B cake too. Wait...does Kara think The Fray is a ROCK band? She's out of her mind.

I've never been able to figure out why, when Idols opt for a Celine Dion song, they always go for "I Surrender," one that wasn't even that big of a hit compared to some others. I guess it just a song that requires a lot of screaming, so Lil Rounds decides to show off her chops with it. Bad idea. Lil has a good voice, but she is not that kind of big-voiced diva. She's not a Kelly Clarkson or a LaToya London or a Jennifer Hudson. This is not good. It's just loud, and she sounds flat through most of it. For some reason, all of the judges like the vocals, but they still think that Lil is picking all the wrong songs. Randy wants her to sing ONLY Mary J. Blige songs for the rest of the competition. Clearly, they want to keep Lil around, so Ryan trots out her cute kids to spur on the sentimental voting.

Thank God it's Madame Glambert time. He is really the only contestant that makes this show worth watching this season. I was excited for his performance tonight because I heard a rumor that he was going to sing "Disturbia" (and I would've killed kittens to hear him sing "If I Were A Boy"), but it turns out that he's doing Wild Cherry's "Play That Funky Music." Odd choice, but I don't think there is a song he couldn't pull off. He changes it up, and the beat during the verses is not dissimilar to the dirty-funk arrangement of "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction" that he did in the semi-finals. His vocals are, as always, out of this world, including wails that could wake James Brown. Paula is nearly peeing herself over Adam's "genius," and sputters out a few comparisons to Mick Jagger and Steven Tyler. Simon and Randy both give Adam kudos for the arrangement, and the Glam One insists that all props go to Rickey Minor and the band for hooking that up. (Are you paying attention, Danny Gokey? It's really quite simple to show some class and not look like a giant turd.) Kara loves Adam and feels like he turned the theater into Studio 57. Ah yes, the famous Studio 57. For those who aren't in the know, that was the even-gayer club three doors down from Studio 54.

It's strange to see the boy next door, Kris Allen, in the pimp spot, but he's working it. I loved him two weeks ago, he lost me last week, and he's won me back tonight with a gorgeous, soulful rendition of "Ain't No Sunshine." I giggle a little watching him at the keyboard because it looks like his feet don't quite touch the floor, but I do quite like the scruffy look he's got going on. I might even call him sexy. He gets good marks across the board from the judges, and Kris seems to make Kara forget all about her thing for Giraud.

I didn't even deliberate very much over picking the Bottom 3 this week. It seems pretty clear cut to me that it should be Anoop, Megan, and Matt. And, even though the judges seem to have finally tired of Megan, I don't think she's going anywhere just yet. Every season needs its Carmen Rasmusen. And at least I remember Megan's performance. If I hadn't written down what Anoop sang, I would never have remembered. Forgettable performance + lead-off spot = certain death. It's back to the beer pong table for Anoop Dogg.

Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksalot.


GingerSnaps said...

Best Idol wrap-up I've read, bar none!!

You slayed me with your description of Megan: "...as if she fell asleep in Jason Castro's car while they were thinkin' Bob Marley and doing bong hits..."


My Top 3: Adam, Danny (reluctantly), and Kris

My Bottom 3: Scott (please!), Anoop, and Matt

Ian said...

I think Allison's headed back to the Bottom 3. I thought she was OK, but the bar was set higher for her with her early strong performances.

I agree that the pimping for Danny is way overdone. I thought his performance was good, but I wouldn't say it "moved" me. By the way, who actually considers Danny original besides the judges?

words words words said...

Great recap! I'm with you about there not being anyone interesting besides Adam. I'm with you about Adam and Kris being the best. I'm with you about Anoop saying "homey" (I totally thought the same thing while I was watching.)

But I'm picking a surprise. I say Allison goes home. First, she was in the bottom 3 for a performance much better than this. Second, if people have not voted Blindy or Megan off by now, why would this week be any different? Giraud might go home (half because of his attitude) but I'm swinging for the fences and picking Allison.

Blanche said...

Megan is starting to sound like Ethel Merman I swear. She's gotta go. No one really knocked me over cept for lil Chris in the pimp spot and Adam. Any one else could be gone tonight and I wouldn't care.

Dale said...

I really would rather watch this show with you that anyone else, partly because nobody else will watch it with me but still! Hilarious and we're often so like minded. Except for the Adam monster. Screaming crazy!

Flannery Alden said...

Great recap and I especially love the title.

J. Hi said...

I was like a kid on Chirstmas morning today. I woke up and ran to my computer to read your recap. :)

I agree with you about Danny. He didn't move anything in my room. I loved Kris and Adam. I'm thinking since they finally complimented Scott that he might go tonight.

Anonymous said...

What is the meaning of this? You DIDN'T like Anoop? I think every Patel, Singh and Desai in the world will be pissed at you (and I also think their network is strong enough to save him).

Megan is lovely. She's so pretty and gosh, there are only 3 girls in the competition. I think it would be unfair to vote her off (hey, another shot of tequila over here, dammit)

Danny's obviously loves Rascal Flatts and I hate them, so I hope his ass in in the bottom 3.

Allison is 16. Criminy, give the kid a break. Who didn't dress like crap at 16?

I'm still impressed that a blind guy can play the piano (I don't know HOW Wonder does it).

Matt sucked and still sucks.

And how did the Round chick ever make it past the audition? Do you even remember the audition? (I'm sure it will ALL come flooding back the week that SHE gets the ax).

Lambert already acts like he has won and he probably has.

Kris will stay in this "competition" as long as a) he doesn't play too prominent a part in future FORD commercials and b) if he never sings Man In the Mirror again!

Selah! Ciao! Whatever.....

Shelly said...

This was even more brilliant than your usual recaps. "Gellin like a felon" is fantastic.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

I totally agree with you on Danny last night. I thought his performance was average and wondered, after the judges critique, if we were watching the same show. Yeah, who are you dude?

Horrid..Megan..just horrid. Poor thing.

Anoop(with the goop on the upper lip), Where does this boy get his balls?? He hit it with the vocals but a HUGE miss with the faux-sexy, look at me I'm badass act. Ewww.

Allison certianly can sing, but I think what happened there is she f-up her timing by bringing out the guitar, an instrument she obviously CANNOT play, and it made her nervous.


Lil? NO. Just no.

Madame G-you know he just continue to mezmerize me with his Axl Rose vocals and his unique performances. NEVER BORING.

Chris-Niiiice work- and interesting, my 14yr old daughter is now a HUGE Chris fan. workin the tween vote-never a bad thing.

I'm guessing it's Megan or Lil tonite.

Falwless said...

I was underwhelmed last night. No one blew me away.

Bottom three are Megan, Lil and Matt. Megan's going home.

Fancy Schmancy said...

I say let's end the show early by sending everyone but Adam home tonight. He should really win it already. Although Kris was pretty good Last Night. (If Megan was going to sing a Lauryn Hill song it should have been her version of Killing me Softly)

CDP said...

Studio 57! Ha ha ha ha ha! Did she really say that?

Bond said...

I almost fell off the Couch when Kara said "Studio 57" and I noticed Randy lean over and say it is Studio 54!


Bottom 3- Anoop, Megan, Scott

I really think Anoop or Scott goes home.

I have liked Scott so far, but I must have heard something totally different from the judges, because I thought he was pitchy, off beat and boring last night

Mathdude said...

My bottom 3 picks are the same obvious ones as yours. Megan deserves to go, but VFTW saves her yet again I think, so that leaves me agreeing with you that Anoop goes home. Well done as usual.

Anonymous said...

I love the Pee wee's playhouse reference. The judges are awful this season, especially Kara! love it she's getting booed

red said...

They need to stop blowing Gokey and Lil. They are just not that good.

I'm starting to think Anoop is a bit of an a-hole, but thankfully, Kris is there to fill his place in my heart.

Anonymous said...

I think Matt will go home. It's a proven Idolism that when a contestant sings a "song I like" instead of a "song the judges will like" they f it up and end up leaving. Matt proved it once again last night.

I'm betting on a Final 2 of Adam and Kris, which would be great.

The Castro hair thing was hysterical!

jolie said...

re anonymous' comment about how can a person play piano without seeing?

that's a big DUH, dude. you're not supposed to look at your hands! or maybe you're just having a bit of a leg-pull, eh? hahha

my bottom three are matt, anoop, scott. the worsters keep megan in the mix. and that's cool. sooner or later she'll be gone and we'll miss the weird hairdos, mark mah werd!

I'm lovin' on G-Lam and kris. might even download adam's performance from last week - it was dope, y'all!

Cora said...

I love you. Seriously. Everytime I miss AI I don't even have to sweat it because I know I can catch the replay here down to the details! YES!!

Adam is the only one worth watching by far. I'm utterly bored to death by all the rest of them and I feel no connection to them whatsoever. This is a bizarre season, isn't it?

As for who is going home? My money is on Matt or Megan.

Molie said...

Lil needs to quit it with the wigs.

For some reason I keep thinking Scott is going to bust out singing "The Greatest American Hero" theme song.

Coaster Punchman said...

I think Kris should be your new Michael Johns.

caffeine head said...

now that Adam Lambert has pulled off performing "Play That Funky Music," i'm reasonably sure he can pull off anything


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