American Idol 8: Overdrawn at the Theme Bank

Tonight's theme, if you want to call it that, is "any songs that are popular digital downloads." So, like, every song released after 1950. Too bad for Megan, who is probably praying for Carmen Miranda Week.
To start the show, Ryan talks to the judges, who have nothing of value to say. Kara attempts to define "artistry" in under a million pointless words. And speaking of true artists, Lisa Rinna and Harry Hamlin are in the audience! Don't these two have a Danielle Steele novel-based movie they should be working on?

First up to bat is Anoop Desai, who plans to honor Randy's whiny requests for more "energy" by singing Usher's "Caught Up." Well, it is indeed more energetic than his last two performances, but this is just aight for me, dawg. The vocals aren't bad, but I hate the mock-serious faces that Anoop keeps making. And I'm not sure that Indian dudes who say "homies" sound any less ridiculous than white dudes who do. Four of Anoop's frat brosephs are in the audience. It's nice that they took time out of their busy beer pong and date rape schedule to support their pal. And by "support," I mean "make loud drunken noises while mugging for the cameras." Randy seems happy with Anoop's vocals, but he's not completely sold on the song. Neither is Kara, who says that the performance felt like something a bunch of frat guys (not pointing out anyone specific, of course) dared him to do, and that it lacked originality. Paula spits out an amalgam of Randy and Kara's thoughts, while Simon blasts Anoop for a "complete, utter mess." Anoop stayed calm through it all, but it was obvious that he was fighting the urge to give every one of the judges swirlies.

Megan Joy 's hair looks hideous. It's as if she fell asleep in Jason Castro's car while they were thinkin' Bob Marley and doing bong hits, and woke up five minutes before she had to go on. She sings "Turn Your Lights Down Low," by Bob Marley...and Lauryn Hill. Yes, it's another one of those live-person-singing-over-a-track-a-dead- person-already-recorded songs that we all love so much. Megan attempts to make an emotional connection with the song by standing near-motionless and wearing a completely vacant expression, all while killing poor, defenseless notes. Kara, after bitching that Anoop wasn't original enough,insists that Megan should have sung an Adele song since she sounds more like her. As she is babbling, some guy (not sure if it's one of the frat boys, one of Megan's friends, or just a very astute audience member) shouts at her, "BROKEN RECORD!" Oh, SNAP. I totally wanna marry that guy. Paula takes over, and I honestly have no idea what she's saying. Something about a stool. No clue. Simon's love affair with Megan must be officially over, because he calls the song boring and montonous, and accuses M-Joy of becoming "indulgent." (I swear, this season feels like Pee-Wee's Playhouse. Every time Simon says "indulgent" I feel like I should start screaming.) Randy tries to puts Kara's record back together again by telling Megan that she should be choosing Adele, Duffy, or Amy Winehouse songs. Oh, won't someone break that record over his giant walrus head?

Danny Gokey is up next, and I hold my breath and wait for Seacrest to bring up the news that Danny's grandfather passed away last week. Surprisingly, nothing is mentioned. Look, I feel bad for the guy, but he's already cruised through to the Top 2 (yes, I know we're not there yet, but let's not pretend we don't know what's happening) on the appeal of his widower backstory. I'm sure Idol is playing it safe by not bringing up the grandfather, because there has already been a backlash from fans who think that Gokey is pimping the memory of his wife to get votes. I have to say that the very first time I saw this guy, I thought he was kind of cute and seemed sweet. Then, as I saw more of him, he started to rub me the wrong way. I think after tonight, I genuinely despise him. First of all, he gives a mostly average performance (with a few good moments) of that whiny Rascal Fatts song, "What Hurts the Most," screaming so much through the middle that he nearly runs out of oxygen. Then, the judges go NUTS over him, tossing around words like "brilliant" and claiming that Danny "moved everyone in the room." (He didn't move me, unless you count the time I got up to get the puke bucket.) And the clincher was his post-performance comment...something about how he's able to connect with a song and take it to a whole new level. Arrrrrgggh! Smug much? I just want to punch him in his never-ending parade of Sally Jesse Raphael glasses.

Why does everyone think this guy is such an original? I don't get it.

Oh hey, there's David Spade behind Jackson! I desperately want him to go up to Danny after the show and say, "I really liked you the first time I saw you on American Idol. When you were Elliot Yamin."

Allison Iraheta is on crack. Or at least her stylist is. Seriously, what is she wearing? She looks like the love child of Glambert and Tina Turner after a day of rummaging around in Betsey Johnson's closet. Yikes. She decides to play the guitar during her version of No Doubt's "Don't Speak," although I'm not sure why. She strums it for about 25 seconds and then just holds it at her side through the rest of the song. I usually like Allison, but I'm not digging this performance. It's just loud and her enunciation is very odd. (It looks as though you're letting go = It nooks azzo, hoor hetting go.) I still like the raspy voice, I just think she's overdoing it tonight. The judges have mixed opinions on the vocals, but can all agree that the outfit makes Allison look like a major spaz.

Speaking of spazzes, Scott MacIntyre actually has his crazy hair under control tonight. He's gellin' like a felon. I guess he saw heard the great reaction that Adam got last week for his slicked back 'do, and he's hoping to appeal to that demographic. I guess he's also trying to appeal to fans of lounge lizard music, as he takes on Billy Joel's "Just the Way You Are." Apparently, it's not a boring enough song for Scott as-is, because he slows it down a bit and strips the arrangement down to just the piano. Honestly, this is the best I've heard him in the competition, but he's still exceedingly average. Kara, Simon, and Randy all think that Scott made a great song choice and turned in his best performance so far, while Paula babbles about how great it is that Scott's "challenge" doesn't even seem like a "challenge," because he makes her forget that he's "challenged," and so it's like he doesn't even have a "challenge." But he does, which makes her super-duper proud of him. But not just because he's "challenged." She swears.

Matt Giraud cries some more about how much it sucked to be in the Bottom 3 last week before taking on The Fray's "You Found Me." Okay, now I know this band is ultra vanilla, but I honestly love this song. I'm concerned that Matt is going to make me like him even less by botching this big time, and...oh no. Is he serious? Is he really playing that keyboard DOWN IN THE IDIOT PIT?? And, wow, these idiots are really raising the bar for future pit dwellers because, even though Matt slowed down the tempo of an already mid-tempo song, none of these stupid girls can find the beat. They're all clapping about two seconds too late. It would be painful to watch if it wasn't so damn funny! However, Matt's vocal on this is not fun to hear. It's just a big ol' mess with some seriously whacked out falsetto. Paula gets her third boo of the season when she tells Matt that it wasn't great. Simon gets all parental on him with comments like, "You can frown all you like," and "Why can't you be more like Danny?" Okay, so that last one isn't a direct quote, but that's basically what he was saying. Kara still has the hots for Matt, so she says she doesn't want him to go home but warns him that he can't have his rock and eat his R&B cake too. Wait...does Kara think The Fray is a ROCK band? She's out of her mind.

I've never been able to figure out why, when Idols opt for a Celine Dion song, they always go for "I Surrender," one that wasn't even that big of a hit compared to some others. I guess it just a song that requires a lot of screaming, so Lil Rounds decides to show off her chops with it. Bad idea. Lil has a good voice, but she is not that kind of big-voiced diva. She's not a Kelly Clarkson or a LaToya London or a Jennifer Hudson. This is not good. It's just loud, and she sounds flat through most of it. For some reason, all of the judges like the vocals, but they still think that Lil is picking all the wrong songs. Randy wants her to sing ONLY Mary J. Blige songs for the rest of the competition. Clearly, they want to keep Lil around, so Ryan trots out her cute kids to spur on the sentimental voting.

Thank God it's Madame Glambert time. He is really the only contestant that makes this show worth watching this season. I was excited for his performance tonight because I heard a rumor that he was going to sing "Disturbia" (and I would've killed kittens to hear him sing "If I Were A Boy"), but it turns out that he's doing Wild Cherry's "Play That Funky Music." Odd choice, but I don't think there is a song he couldn't pull off. He changes it up, and the beat during the verses is not dissimilar to the dirty-funk arrangement of "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction" that he did in the semi-finals. His vocals are, as always, out of this world, including wails that could wake James Brown. Paula is nearly peeing herself over Adam's "genius," and sputters out a few comparisons to Mick Jagger and Steven Tyler. Simon and Randy both give Adam kudos for the arrangement, and the Glam One insists that all props go to Rickey Minor and the band for hooking that up. (Are you paying attention, Danny Gokey? It's really quite simple to show some class and not look like a giant turd.) Kara loves Adam and feels like he turned the theater into Studio 57. Ah yes, the famous Studio 57. For those who aren't in the know, that was the even-gayer club three doors down from Studio 54.

It's strange to see the boy next door, Kris Allen, in the pimp spot, but he's working it. I loved him two weeks ago, he lost me last week, and he's won me back tonight with a gorgeous, soulful rendition of "Ain't No Sunshine." I giggle a little watching him at the keyboard because it looks like his feet don't quite touch the floor, but I do quite like the scruffy look he's got going on. I might even call him sexy. He gets good marks across the board from the judges, and Kris seems to make Kara forget all about her thing for Giraud.

I didn't even deliberate very much over picking the Bottom 3 this week. It seems pretty clear cut to me that it should be Anoop, Megan, and Matt. And, even though the judges seem to have finally tired of Megan, I don't think she's going anywhere just yet. Every season needs its Carmen Rasmusen. And at least I remember Megan's performance. If I hadn't written down what Anoop sang, I would never have remembered. Forgettable performance + lead-off spot = certain death. It's back to the beer pong table for Anoop Dogg.


Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksalot.