American Idol 8 Results: 3/18/09

Ryan opens tonight's results show in his usual over-dramatic fashion, and announces that Brad Paisley, Carrie Underwood, and Randy Travis (none of whom are Dierks Bentley) will all perform. The idiot pit down in front is going wild, but I catch one girl in the front row who looks like she wants to die. Her expression basically says, "Oh God, I'm so exhausted from clapping and screaming for everything! Please let me rest!"

Ryan keeps referring to the possibly "shocking" results tonight, which probably means that one of the judges' favorites will end up in the Bottom 3 so that they can dangle the "save" carrot in front of them, just to yoink it away. Ryan can keep talking about that "save" all he wants, but the judges will NOT use it until they get down to the Top 6 or 7, and only on Danny or Adam. Or maybe Lil.

This week's group sing is Travis Tritt's "T-R-O-U-B-L-E," and, thankfully, they let Scott just sit and play the piano instead of making him dance around like a Longhorn Steakhouse waiter. All I can say about this performance is that I smell G-A-R-B-A-G-E. Ugh. And these contestants are the worst lip synchers EVER.

The Ford commercial sucks even more than most tonight. The kids are all having a water balloon fight while destroying OK Go's "Here It Goes Again." I feel like I'm watching a commercial for one of those horrible Kidz Bop compilations.

There must be something wrong with my cable, because I don't think I'm watching AI anymore. This must be a Lifetime movie...or maybe an episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Or maybe it's the religious channel. There is a video showing all of the contestants having a love-in behind the scenes after last week's elimination. Then, Michael Sarver talks about how hard it is for him to be away from his family, and shares that his daughter asked him recently, "Daddy, why don't you want to be with me anymore?" while choking back sobs. Awwwww. And let's all cry for Megan because she has the flu! She is such a trooper!

Eegads. I guess the producers didn't think it was fair for only Gokey and Blind Guy to have sob stories. They are determined to make martyrs out of all of them. Good luck with Adam!

Danny, Lil, and Anoop are each called and all three are safe. Allison and Michael are asked to stand up together, and Ryan asks Paula which of the two should be in the Bottom 3. After much hemming and hawing, and many declarations that NO ONE should go (I guess she forgot the point of the show again), she says that "based on their critiques last night," it should be Allison. What the what?? Doesn't she remember that they gave Allison good comments last night, and Michael got a mostly lukewarm reception? Turns out, she's right, and Allison inexplicably heads for the Bottom 3. But then Michael is made to stand back up and Ryan tells him he's on the chopping block, too. Oh, that Ryan. So sneaky.

Brad Paisley (aka A Country Guy Who is NOT Dierks Bentley) performs. I go make spaghetti.

Scott, Megan, Giraud, and Kris are all safe. I guess Megan's constant fake coughing last night really won people over.

Alexis and Adam stand together, and Ryan asks Randy who will be in the bottom. (Not WHO is a bottom. I know someone was thinking it.) Randy says it will be Allison, because he has no idea which white girl is which. Ryan corrects him. Randy says it will be Alexis, and it is. Madame Glambert lives on.


Ryan lets one of the bottom dwellers off the hook, and it's Allison. As it should be. Ryan brings up the "Judges' Save" for the umpteenth time, and they say that they would consider saving one of the two left.

After the break, we get a brief retrospective of Carrie Underwood's time on Idol and her subsequent career. Then she takes the stage with Randy Travis (aka Another Country Guy Who is NOT Dierks Bentley) to sing their duet, "I Told You So." Four things:
1. Carrie's hair configuration is WEIRD. It's like some sort of poodle helmet.
2. For a duet, Randy isn't getting much mic time.
3. These two don't really sound very good together.
4. Neither one of them is Dierks Bentley, so I don't really give a damn. I have some noodles that need straining. (And no, that's not a Kara-style double entendre.)

Back to Sarver and Alexis. Sarver is proclaimed safe. The judges say that Alexis is the one that they were thinking about saving, so it will come down to her performance tonight.

Apparently, Alexis doesn't perform well under pressure because the song is tuneless and awful, and she's clearly trying to keep from crying in several spots. The most ridiculous part? The judges all huddled around by Paula's chair, pretending to discuss whether or not to keep her. THAT was comedy, folks. I mean, if you still don't think that the judges and producers have this season pretty much mapped out, then you probably believe that Bret Michaels is truly looking for love on his tour bus.

Unsurprisingly, Simon tells Alexis that she was "good, but not good enough." They don't save her. Cue the Alexis video package and the horrible Mötley Crüe cover.

You know, looking at Alexis, who's now wearing the emotionless, vacant expression of a woman defiled, I feel bad for her. She let Kara turn her into a naughty skank for nothing.

So, in conclusion...

AI, don't ever have another country night without Dierks Bentley. I implore you.


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