Tuesday, April 21, 2009

American Idol 8: They Should Have Taken That Left Turn at Funkytown

Ryan keeps the intro short and sweet, and Disco Night begins. Somehow, I don't think this will be even half as fun as it should be. But I'm convinced that no one will abuse this genre as brutally as Pierce Brosnan did in Mamma Mia, so that's some comfort.

Lil Rounds kicks things off with one of the standard-issue diva songs, Chaka Khan's "I'm Every Woman." I really don't even think this qualifies as disco, but whatever. It certainly doesn't give her any advantage because, as much as this show has tried to convince us of it, Lil is NOT a diva. She gives an average karaoke performance that I can't even concentrate on because she is wearing a cat suit that obscenely showcases her disco balls. I thought she was gonna put out Randy's eye with her left cheek at one point. Come critique time, the Dawg just reads from Kara's "You didn't show us what kind of artist you are" script while loudly sucking in air. Kara tells Lil that everyone has been waiting for her to cover Chaka but that "it wasn't worth the wait, honey." See? Aight. Yo. This is what I love, man. This is what I love about Kara, dude. She comes out EVERY week and shows us what a condescending bitch she is. That's how you do it, dawg!

Ugh. They're back to letting all four judges yap at each contestant. This show should be over by midnight.

Paula makes excuses for Lil by telling the audience that she had problems with her voice all week. (Uh, try for the last 6 weeks.) Then she tells Lil to unleash her inner goddess. Lil stops pouting and tells everyone that she had fun tonight. Simon says that he's glad she had fun, because this is her last week. She probably already figured that out when they stuck her in the lead-off spot of doom.

Kris Allen provides some deep insight to the story behind Donna Summer's "She Works Hard for the Money." Apparently, it's a song about a woman who works hard for the money. I had no idea. He may not be great with the small talk, but Kris is usually pretty good at rearranging his songs to suit his Jack Johnson/Dave Matthews style, and this is one of his better song transformations. The judges are going to eat this up with a spoon. I'm just wondering who will be the first one to say some version of one of the following phrases: "You are so current," "You could make a record right now," or "You stay true to yourself." Kara is up first and wastes no time telling Kris that his version of this song could be on his record. Ding ding ding! We have a winner! Paula prattles on about Kris shopping in the women's section. (Paula is saying a lot of stuff that doesn't make any sense tonight. I think she might still be celebrating 4/20.) Simon is more befuddled by her than usual. He also thinks that Kris is very original. Randy tells Kris that he's ready for the big time. Paula continues to yell over everyone that Kris shops in the women's section. Kris tugs at his thong.

Danny Gokey starts off Earth, Wind, and Fire's "September" with a giant, raspy roar. He continues the song in his usual over-enunciated, gasping for breath manner, all while dancing like that one drunk uncle who shows up at everyone's weddings. This is pretty much karaoke too, but I guess since Hokey doesn't go horribly off-key at any point, the judges won't call him on his lack of originality. They never do. He knows this, which is why he approaches judging with that intolerably smug face. He kind of makes me want to puke. I think I feel a few chunks stuck in my throat. Oh, look! Vince Neil is in the audience! And the chunks have been expelled. Thank you, motley douche. I feel much better now.

Randy claims that Danny "worked it out," because he took a song that isn't very melodic and made it work for him. What? Is Randy celebrating 4/20 too? "September" has a great melody! I wish these jerks would stop trying so hard to pat Hokey on the back. Kara says Danny is an incredible vocalist and comes close to saying that he has perfect pitch. Paula thinks Danny has "one of the sexiest voices ever" and thinks women of all ages will agree. Female blogger, BeckEye, 36, was heard scoffing openly at this suggestion. Simon finally states the obvious - Danny may have a pretty good voice, but he lacks any real star power.

Allison Iraheta follows the arrangement trend of the season by starting off Donna Summer's "Hot Stuff" with a slowed-down verse before launching into the up-tempo section. She's actually slowed down the whole song quite a bit in an effort to make it a hard rock number. She is trying WAY too hard to be the rocker girl here. She looks like she's passing a kidney stone throughout the entire performance. And I don't even know what to say about the anime hooker ensemble she's sporting. Randy and Kara don't like the arrangement, but think Allison is one of the best singers in the competition. Paula says Allison is edgy and authentic, and thinks her hair looks like thousands of fiery cobras slithering around on the face of the sun. Simon thinks...it was a brilliant performance? Huh? Look, I'm an Allison fan, but that was not brilliant. Then again, the judges bandy that word about so much that I think it's probably lost all meaning at this point.

Adam Lambert is not in drag. He's not even wearing vinyl. He is in a suit. I am immediately crushed. Where is my Madame Glambert?? I thought disco night would be THE night! *sigh* Well, at least he chooses a song from a John Travolta movie, "If I Can't Have You," from Saturday Night Fever (not Saturday Night Live, as Kara would have us believe). Adam attributes the slow, stripped-down arrangement to Matt Orland. I don't know who that is, but he needs to get a new job. The arrangement totally doesn't fit the song. Adam always sounds like he's off the beat or like he's trying to cram too many words in where they don't belong. Of course, the vocal is great because he has an amazing voice, but this just isn't working for me. I appreciate that Adam always tries to bring something unexpected, so I understand why he did something like this for Disco Night. But still, he doesn't have to prove anything anymore. We all know he's got the voice. So, why doesn't he just have fun with a genre that fits like a glove? I want the REAL Glambert, which is some awesome mix of Adam Ant, Freddie Mercury, Mika, Axl Rose, and Bette Midler.

None of the judges seem to care that Adam left the glam at home tonight. Paula cries, Randy sputters out a few "dudes" and "dawgs," Kara is inspired (to leave the show, I hope), and Simon thinks Adam's vocals are "immaculate."

Matt Giraud tempts fate by choosing another SNF tune, "Stayin' Alive." Remember when LaKisha Jones got booted the week she sang this? Ah, the Gods of irony were looking down on us that night. Okay...hold on. Something's fishy here. OH. Wait one damn minute. What is Captain Caveman wearing? He totally stole Michael Johns' outfit from last year!! He just popped a stupid Timberfake hat on top, as if I wouldn't notice. Ugh. Well, he doesn't look good in it. He doesn't sound very good either. I'm amazed that he actually hits a bunch of those high notes that he always whiffs on but, even with that accomplishment, I can only wish for him to shut up. When he finally does, Randy uses his stock critique for the evening, "I didn't love the arrangement, but you can really sing." I don't care what Kara thinks. Paula tells Matt, "You pick songs like I bowl." Okay then. (You know, I bet bowling with Paula is a lot of fun. Every frame is the beer frame.) Simon finally starts doing his job as the Voice of Reason, and tells Matt that the performance came off as "desperate" and not very original.

Anoop Desai inexplicably gets the pimp spot with his version of the third Donna Summer song of the night, "Dim All the Lights." Oh my God, what is up with his creepy pedophile mustache? And the bright pink sweater? I can't even concentrate on this performance because his appearance is so distracting. That's a good thing though because, like everything Anoop does, it's pretty boring. Randy gives tonight's stock critique. (Last performance of the night - no use trying something new now. Or ever.) I still don't care what Kara thinks. Paula asserts that "real men know how to wear pink," and then jibber jabbers about "magical zones" and "beautiful teeth."

Looks like Operation: Dump Lil is in full swing. Yeah, she hasn't performed well for weeks but she was probably better than Anoop or Giraud tonight, yet the judges are heaping praise on them. Well, all except Cowell. He tells Anoop that he was "mediocre at best" and that this was his worst performance. I guess they don't celebrate 4/20 in England, because, aside from his weird over-praising of Allison, Simon seems to be the only one not judging under the influence tonight.

Because Giraud was pointlessly saved last week, two contestants will be leaving us tomorrow night. Lil will definitely be one of them. As for the other, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that this is the week for the "big shocker." Every season needs one. It's a perfect time for it because the save has been used and we're whittling down the field to the Top 5. The Bottom 3 will be Lil, Anoop, and Danny, and Hokey will be ousted along with Lil, much to his smug surprise.

Watch video clips of tonight's performances on MJ's Big Blog.

Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksalot.


Dave said...

I think there's a shocker coming (perhaps courtesy of Adam . . . no wait, he doesn't do girls), but not this week.

Adam or Gokey could be gone early, but in a week or two.

Ian said...

I'd love to see Gokey and Lil ousted. I don't see it happening though. I think Matt's joining Lil on the way out the door.

Katherine said...

I actually think that the B3 might sadly be Matt, Anoop and Allison with Allison going home as the BIG SHOCKER. She is the second-lowest vote-getter on DialIdol (along with -- GASP! -- Kris!!! I don't get the non-love for this dude...????).

The fact that Simon said Lil was going home is going to spur her fans to keep her in the game just to spite him (she is top vote-getter on DI)

No wonder Simon is getting frustrated with the show; ppl like Taylor Hicks and Lil Rounds are lasting longer in the competition than they should!

Hopefully, Kris will avoid the Bottom Three again and be safe with Adam and Hokey.

words...words...words... said...

Vince, Vince, Vince...

That said, I am hoping beyond hope that you are right about Gokey going home. His face would be the highlight of the season for me.

Sadly, I think Matt and Allison are going to go home, even though Allison is my favorite after Adam. On merit, it should probably be some combination of Lil, Matt or Anoop.

Kristi Mantoni said...

Gokey and Lil out at the same time would be fan-fucking-tastic! Well, Gokey leaving would be all I would need. He kind of makes me want to puke too. I think a lot of people are tired of his karaoke style...at least I hope so!

Anonymous said...

IMO, Simon is almost always the only one not judging under the influence. He usually is my voice for America. Maybe that's why I find him attractive? Nah, it's the accent. And his use of the word "minx."

SkylersDad said...

Can I just say I love it when you refer to yourself in third person?

Anonymous said...

Lil gotta go and it would be really great if Hokey would go too, with that stupid smile of his.

red said...

I hope you're right about Gokey, too. He is sooo boring.

I've probably said this before, but Adam is so in another league, it's sort of becoming comical.

gizmorox said...

So, I was flipping channels and got to Fox just as Ryan introduced the clip where they show a bit of what each sang just to get the numbers up again.

And it was f'ing terrible! I watched 20 seconds of each of them and I wanted to hurt someone. You are a braver woman than I for watching the whole show.

Mathdude said...

I wasn't thrilled with Adam tonight. I'd love to see Hokey go, but I think the Bottom 3 will be Lil, Anoop, and Matt, with Lil and Matt saying goodbye. Course, I've been wrong all year.

The new look of the Popeye is amazing, but you're making the rest of us look bad. Word Ver still sucks!

Dale said...

I fervently hope that Adam and Allison get sent home just to show those stupid judges what they did wrong last week.

It's not hard to figure out what crazy stunt Adam will pull - one week glammed up and rocking out, the next week, quieter with a few Axl screeches thrown in.

I thought the same thing about the Lil choice - was that ever a disco song?

Loverly recap as usual Beckeye!

Anonymous said...

Thank you! While Adam was singing I was going "Oh hell no, this song does not work SLOW" then all the judges proceeded to say the opposite making me look like a douche. But I stand by it. His voice was great. That song slowed down to a ballad? Not.

Also could Giraud want to be Justin Timberlake ANY harder?

Bond said...

My guess is Anoop and Matt...but only a guess...

I think Simon woke up the Lil fans...

Cora said...

If Hokey goes tonight, I will cry with pure joy. I wanna smack his smug face every time I see it too. Grrr.

But I'm predicting the bottom three will be: Lil, Anoop and Matt. And I don't care who goes home as long as Adam and Allison stay.

My word verification: "unaint" I guess that means it is. Hee hee.

Anonymous said...

I don’t have that much to say this week… disco week was better than I expected though…

Lil Rounds sang “I’m Every Woman” by Chaka Khan – Man I hope she goes home! She sounds like a church singer or something. She looked so stupid in that black jumpsuit and when the judges were talking to her she looked like she was gonna rip off their heads.

Kris Allen sang “She Works Hard for the Money” by Donna Summer – He’s been my favorite for the past few weeks. I love how he can take all these songs and make them his own. I would definitely go see him in concert. I think he’ll be in the top 3

Danny Gokey sang “September” by Earth Wind and Fire – This is a song I really like but it sounded like karaoke. I really think people just keep him around cause they feel sorry for him and his situation. He’s not bad but he’s not as talented as others to me.

Allison Iraheta sang “Hot Stuff” by Donna Summer – I just really like her. I wasn’t sure how she was gonna pull off disco but this was a good song. I don’t get how people could even think of voting her into the bottom. She’s so good

Adam Lambert sang “If I Can’t Have You” by the Yvonne Elliman – I was really bummed he did a slow song. I don’t really like when he sings slow. He looked really good last night though.

Matt Giraud sang “Stayin Alive” by Bee Gees – He reminds me so much of Justin timberlake. Especially last night when he was dancing on the stage. I don’t know why they saved him but it’s ok, just an excuse for Lil and Anoop to go home ha.

Anoop Desai sang “Dim All the Lights” by Donna Summer – After Matt sang, both my boyfriend and I thought wow American idol is finishing really early tonight… then they announced anoop was going to sing and we were like shit thats bad we forgot he was even in the competition ha. His song and mustache was lame but he does have a good voice.

Kris was my favorite of the night.

I think Anoop and Lil are going home... FINALLY!

LiLu said...

Is the gay guy still in it?

I'm rooting for him. Mostly cause he looks like a pixie.

Logic at its finest.

Coaster Punchman said...

"dancing like that one drunk uncle who shows up at everyone's weddings...." Easy, girl, easy! That's exactly what I am!

Nomad said...

Is it me, or does Matt sound more and more like Justin Timberlake every week

Gifted Typist said...

Could believe that Matt was saved in the end. He should have been gone two weeks ago.


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