American Idol 8: They Should Have Taken That Left Turn at Funkytown

Ryan keeps the intro short and sweet, and Disco Night begins. Somehow, I don't think this will be even half as fun as it should be. But I'm convinced that no one will abuse this genre as brutally as Pierce Brosnan did in Mamma Mia, so that's some comfort.

Lil Rounds kicks things off with one of the standard-issue diva songs, Chaka Khan's "I'm Every Woman." I really don't even think this qualifies as disco, but whatever. It certainly doesn't give her any advantage because, as much as this show has tried to convince us of it, Lil is NOT a diva. She gives an average karaoke performance that I can't even concentrate on because she is wearing a cat suit that obscenely showcases her disco balls. I thought she was gonna put out Randy's eye with her left cheek at one point. Come critique time, the Dawg just reads from Kara's "You didn't show us what kind of artist you are" script while loudly sucking in air. Kara tells Lil that everyone has been waiting for her to cover Chaka but that "it wasn't worth the wait, honey." See? Aight. Yo. This is what I love, man. This is what I love about Kara, dude. She comes out EVERY week and shows us what a condescending bitch she is. That's how you do it, dawg!

Ugh. They're back to letting all four judges yap at each contestant. This show should be over by midnight.

Paula makes excuses for Lil by telling the audience that she had problems with her voice all week. (Uh, try for the last 6 weeks.) Then she tells Lil to unleash her inner goddess. Lil stops pouting and tells everyone that she had fun tonight. Simon says that he's glad she had fun, because this is her last week. She probably already figured that out when they stuck her in the lead-off spot of doom.

Kris Allen provides some deep insight to the story behind Donna Summer's "She Works Hard for the Money." Apparently, it's a song about a woman who works hard for the money. I had no idea. He may not be great with the small talk, but Kris is usually pretty good at rearranging his songs to suit his Jack Johnson/Dave Matthews style, and this is one of his better song transformations. The judges are going to eat this up with a spoon. I'm just wondering who will be the first one to say some version of one of the following phrases: "You are so current," "You could make a record right now," or "You stay true to yourself." Kara is up first and wastes no time telling Kris that his version of this song could be on his record. Ding ding ding! We have a winner! Paula prattles on about Kris shopping in the women's section. (Paula is saying a lot of stuff that doesn't make any sense tonight. I think she might still be celebrating 4/20.) Simon is more befuddled by her than usual. He also thinks that Kris is very original. Randy tells Kris that he's ready for the big time. Paula continues to yell over everyone that Kris shops in the women's section. Kris tugs at his thong.

Danny Gokey starts off Earth, Wind, and Fire's "September" with a giant, raspy roar. He continues the song in his usual over-enunciated, gasping for breath manner, all while dancing like that one drunk uncle who shows up at everyone's weddings. This is pretty much karaoke too, but I guess since Hokey doesn't go horribly off-key at any point, the judges won't call him on his lack of originality. They never do. He knows this, which is why he approaches judging with that intolerably smug face. He kind of makes me want to puke. I think I feel a few chunks stuck in my throat. Oh, look! Vince Neil is in the audience! And the chunks have been expelled. Thank you, motley douche. I feel much better now.

Randy claims that Danny "worked it out," because he took a song that isn't very melodic and made it work for him. What? Is Randy celebrating 4/20 too? "September" has a great melody! I wish these jerks would stop trying so hard to pat Hokey on the back. Kara says Danny is an incredible vocalist and comes close to saying that he has perfect pitch. Paula thinks Danny has "one of the sexiest voices ever" and thinks women of all ages will agree. Female blogger, BeckEye, 36, was heard scoffing openly at this suggestion. Simon finally states the obvious - Danny may have a pretty good voice, but he lacks any real star power.

Allison Iraheta follows the arrangement trend of the season by starting off Donna Summer's "Hot Stuff" with a slowed-down verse before launching into the up-tempo section. She's actually slowed down the whole song quite a bit in an effort to make it a hard rock number. She is trying WAY too hard to be the rocker girl here. She looks like she's passing a kidney stone throughout the entire performance. And I don't even know what to say about the anime hooker ensemble she's sporting. Randy and Kara don't like the arrangement, but think Allison is one of the best singers in the competition. Paula says Allison is edgy and authentic, and thinks her hair looks like thousands of fiery cobras slithering around on the face of the sun. Simon thinks...it was a brilliant performance? Huh? Look, I'm an Allison fan, but that was not brilliant. Then again, the judges bandy that word about so much that I think it's probably lost all meaning at this point.

Adam Lambert is not in drag. He's not even wearing vinyl. He is in a suit. I am immediately crushed. Where is my Madame Glambert?? I thought disco night would be THE night! *sigh* Well, at least he chooses a song from a John Travolta movie, "If I Can't Have You," from Saturday Night Fever (not Saturday Night Live, as Kara would have us believe). Adam attributes the slow, stripped-down arrangement to Matt Orland. I don't know who that is, but he needs to get a new job. The arrangement totally doesn't fit the song. Adam always sounds like he's off the beat or like he's trying to cram too many words in where they don't belong. Of course, the vocal is great because he has an amazing voice, but this just isn't working for me. I appreciate that Adam always tries to bring something unexpected, so I understand why he did something like this for Disco Night. But still, he doesn't have to prove anything anymore. We all know he's got the voice. So, why doesn't he just have fun with a genre that fits like a glove? I want the REAL Glambert, which is some awesome mix of Adam Ant, Freddie Mercury, Mika, Axl Rose, and Bette Midler.

None of the judges seem to care that Adam left the glam at home tonight. Paula cries, Randy sputters out a few "dudes" and "dawgs," Kara is inspired (to leave the show, I hope), and Simon thinks Adam's vocals are "immaculate."

Matt Giraud tempts fate by choosing another SNF tune, "Stayin' Alive." Remember when LaKisha Jones got booted the week she sang this? Ah, the Gods of irony were looking down on us that night. Okay...hold on. Something's fishy here. OH. Wait one damn minute. What is Captain Caveman wearing? He totally stole Michael Johns' outfit from last year!! He just popped a stupid Timberfake hat on top, as if I wouldn't notice. Ugh. Well, he doesn't look good in it. He doesn't sound very good either. I'm amazed that he actually hits a bunch of those high notes that he always whiffs on but, even with that accomplishment, I can only wish for him to shut up. When he finally does, Randy uses his stock critique for the evening, "I didn't love the arrangement, but you can really sing." I don't care what Kara thinks. Paula tells Matt, "You pick songs like I bowl." Okay then. (You know, I bet bowling with Paula is a lot of fun. Every frame is the beer frame.) Simon finally starts doing his job as the Voice of Reason, and tells Matt that the performance came off as "desperate" and not very original.

Anoop Desai inexplicably gets the pimp spot with his version of the third Donna Summer song of the night, "Dim All the Lights." Oh my God, what is up with his creepy pedophile mustache? And the bright pink sweater? I can't even concentrate on this performance because his appearance is so distracting. That's a good thing though because, like everything Anoop does, it's pretty boring. Randy gives tonight's stock critique. (Last performance of the night - no use trying something new now. Or ever.) I still don't care what Kara thinks. Paula asserts that "real men know how to wear pink," and then jibber jabbers about "magical zones" and "beautiful teeth."

Looks like Operation: Dump Lil is in full swing. Yeah, she hasn't performed well for weeks but she was probably better than Anoop or Giraud tonight, yet the judges are heaping praise on them. Well, all except Cowell. He tells Anoop that he was "mediocre at best" and that this was his worst performance. I guess they don't celebrate 4/20 in England, because, aside from his weird over-praising of Allison, Simon seems to be the only one not judging under the influence tonight.

Because Giraud was pointlessly saved last week, two contestants will be leaving us tomorrow night. Lil will definitely be one of them. As for the other, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that this is the week for the "big shocker." Every season needs one. It's a perfect time for it because the save has been used and we're whittling down the field to the Top 5. The Bottom 3 will be Lil, Anoop, and Danny, and Hokey will be ousted along with Lil, much to his smug surprise.


Watch video clips of tonight's performances on MJ's Big Blog.

Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksalot.