American Idol 8 Finale, Part II: Another Year, Another Ad Salesman's Wet Dream

Yes, last night was the big showdown on American Idol between America’s Sweetheart, Adam Lambert, and Mr. Nice Guy, Kris Allen. In a match-up that seemed so imbalanced (as I recently put it, like pitting Freddie Mercury against Bryan Adams), it was still one of the more exciting ones in the show’s history.

Seacrest started things off with an homage to the judges, during which each one got a video montage that pretty much wrapped up their personalities in a nutshell. I was actually out of the room for Randy’s, but I’m sure it was a hot lava bomb of “dawgs,” “dopes,” and “dudes” with a hearty dose of “yo, yos,” “whats,” and “aights.” I came running to the TV when I heard the barrage of “sweeties” in Kara’s montage, which basically painted her as the miserable harpy that we all know and hate. Paula’s video focused on her constant struggle with words, and Simon’s depicted him as an old man losing his hearing.

Before I move on, I must address The Dawg’s attire. He looked like a dorky ‘70s-era high school teacher on Tuesday, but last night…I don’t know what that was. (Unfortunately, I can't find a pic of it. But trust me, it was ridonk.) Randy, Randy, Randy. Dude. What’s going on baby, what’s going down? Ahhhh, I don’t know, man. For me, for you, that was not a good look. You know what I loved about that ensemble? Nothing. *inhales deeply through teeth* Sorry.

Adam and Kris descended upon the stage as angels in white, and who knows what they said. Their mics weren’t working.

Mikalah Gordon hung with the crowd in Kris’s hometown of Conway, Arkansas and scared little children with her clown makeup. Why does Idol pointlessly resurrect her every year for some minor task?

Adam’s rally in San Diego was manned by Carly Smithson. I was glad to see that she finally managed to pull herself out of Michael Johns’s sweet ass.

The Top 13, all matchy-matchy in white outfits, gave the first performance of the night – a lip-synched(?) version of Pink’s “So What.” It offended me less than most of the group sings this year, while reminding me how much I’d missed Scott’s dancing, that Jorgay ever existed, and just how awful Jasmine was. Allison fired off a very inappropriate (for her age) pelvic thrust into the camera, which I think was just her way of telling all the Kris and Danny loving tweens out there to suck it. Speaking of Danny, did anyone get the feeling that the rest of the Idols were singing directly to him when they sang the “you’re a tool” line?

David Cook followed up that geek-out with a subdued, emotional performance of “Permanent,” a song about his brother, Adam, who recently passed away. The idiot pit showed their usual cluelessness by swaying their arms about in super slo-mo. I’m not a huge fan of Cookie’s post-Idol music, but I liked that song quite a bit. I think it was probably the best I’ve ever heard him sing, and I’m sure the real emotion behind it was the main reason. Afterwards, David told Seacrest that the performance would be available on iTunes, and all proceeds from sales would go to ABC2, a charity that raises money for cancer research.

I spotted Michael Johns in the audience! Well, the little of him that wasn’t obscured by Sideshow Bob Guarini’s head.

The Golden Idol awards returned, aka the “Ryan Seacrest Points and Laughs at Mental Defectives” portion of the show. The first award was for Outstanding Male and it was no contest pitting a few bad auditioners against the force that is Normund Gentle. He accepted in a sweatsuit, which he promptly tore away to reveal his standard outfit from the season and then reprised “And I Am Telling You.” Well, well. AI decided to make the Golden Idol awards funny/ha-ha this year instead of funny/sad!

Next, was a duet by Lil Rounds and Queen Latifah. They sang “Cue the Rain,” which I can only assume is a Latifah song. I actually thought this was pretty entertaining. I’ve always liked Big Mama, and Little Rounds looked like she was having some fun for the first time on the show. She didn’t sound too bad either. I’m kind of surprised that the producers didn’t beg Mary J. Blige to come sing with Lil though.

Anoop and Alexis started out “I’m Yours” before introducing Jason Mraz to help them sing the rest. Eventually, the entire Top 13 joined in. Judging by the grimace on Jason’s face, this was too cheesy even for him. He tried to take his pain away by feeling up Dirty Alexis, who was sporting a dress that, as Roy Munson would say, she needed two hairdos to wear.

Seacrest reminded us of Kris Allen’s Idol journey with a video package, and then Kris joined Keith Urban on one of Ryan’s least favorite songs, “Kiss A Girl.” The country haters out there probably didn’t like this, but y'all are plum crazy. I thought the two sounded really good together and it was a fun performance.

The Top 5 Girls tried to top that with a ridiculous, off-key version of Fergie’s already-horrible “Glamorous.” (I kept hoping they would spell out G-L-A-M-B-E-R-T, but no such luck.) Wow, they really proved that Allison was the only girl this year worthy of being in the Top 13. That sucked. Just when I thought it couldn’t get worse though, Fergie herself came out to sing “Big Girls Don't Cry (Personal),” and then it all went to hell when the Black Eyed Peas showed up with their “Boom Boom Chicka Wow Blah Blah,” or whatever the hell that stupid song was. The only good thing about that mess was Megan’s fab robot dance. Oh, and when the sound went out for about 10 seconds. That was cool. I don’t know if something got bleeped out or if it was just a malfunction, but I’d like to thank whoever was responsible.

The second Golden Idol of the evening was for “Best Attitude,” which, predictably, went to Katrina “Bikini Girl” Darrell. Ryan got the best line of the night; when she hurtled toward the podium silicone first, he said, “I was gonna ask you what’s new, but I think I know.” Ha ha. Sometimes I do love Seacrest.

Unfortunately, they let Bikini Girl sing “Vision of Love” again, and she was even worse than I remember. Then, an even bigger attention whore appeared and started singing over her. Yep, it was Kara. I guess she was trying to make nice after calling Katrina a bitch on national TV. The whole thing was mildly amusing, but then Kara took it to another level by ripping open her dress to reveal her own bikini. My first thought was, “MY GOD….MY EYES! THE BURNING!” But then I thought it was pretty ballsy and funny. It almost made me like her. Don’t get crazy, people…I said ALMOST. Apparently, that was a dare from Ryan, who promised to donate to a charity of Kara’s choice if she actually did it. Hopefully, that charity is The Foundation to Keep Kara From Ever Taking Her Clothes Off Again.

I was really looking forward to seeing Cyndi Lauper on the show, but I didn't particularly enjoy her duet of “Time After Time” with Allison. Lil Red was the worst I’ve ever heard her (smoky voice was intact, but all enunciation went right out the window) and I hated the arrangement – especially Cyndi’s spastic throat singing at the end. Even though Cyndi wasn’t exactly at the top of her game, Ryan could have been a little more respectful instead of referring to the two as, “Cyndi Lauper and the amazingly talented Allison Iraheta.” Oh, that Ryan is so unusual sometimes.

Danny Gokey...we thought he was gone for good, but like an anal fissure that never completely healed, he came back again, more irritating than before. He coughed out a few lines of Lionel Richie’s “Hello” before being joined by Lionel himself on some stupid calypso song I didn't recognize. (I guess Mr. Richie has a new album coming out?) They ended the duet with “All Night Long,” during which Gokey repeatedly tried to outsing Lionel. That would’ve been annoying if it hadn’t been so funny watching Gokey scream, pant, and nearly pass out, while Lionel remained cool as a cucumber, hitting all the right notes effortlessly.

Then it was time for Adam’s video journey, after which he appeared onstage in what I originally thought was something he salvaged from Cher’s dumpster, but soon realized was a more theatrical (okay, gayer) version of a KISS costume, complete with moon boots. Adam gave us a bit of “Beth,” before Paul, Gene, and whoever the hell is left in that band now, joined him on stage for a medley of “Detroit Rock City” and “Rock and Roll All Nite.” Now, THAT was awesome. Loved it. I felt a little sad for Adam though. I just know he wanted to rock some kabuki makeup during that. Why wouldn't those KISS bitches share?

Carlos Santana had to follow that. Poor guy.

Was that Janice Dickinson in the audience, or The Ghost of Kara Future? Creepy either way.

The best (read: last) Ford commercial of the year was shown, and then Cookie gave Adam and Kris keys to their new, matching Fusion Hybrids in a taped segment.

In probably the oddest performance of the night, Steve Martin played banjo while Lady Caw Caw (Megan) and Michael Sarver warbled through a song that Martin wrote called “Pretty Flowers.” The song was kind of cute, but damn, Megan can NOT sing. I love that girl, but…wow. They probably should’ve done “King Tut.”

Then, in probably the most ridiculous performance of the night, the Top 8 guys donned tuxes and posed the musical question, “Da Ya Think I’m Sexy?” To 7 ½ of them, I had to yell out a hearty, “Hell naw!!” The sexiness quotient only continued to drop when 90-year-old Rod Stewart appeared to sing “Maggie May.” You know, it’s really amazing what drugs and alcohol can do for your body. The guy can still fit into the same jacket he wore in the “Some Guys Have All the Luck” video.

The final Golden Idol went to Outstanding Female and, come on, was there even any competition? Was there any doubt that it would be the amazing Tatiana del Toro?? I was delighted to see my girl Tat again, even if Seacrest made her participate in a stupid skit that made it look like she crashed the stage and had to be ushered off by security guards. Well, at least she got to look fabulous and sing us all her favorite Whitney song one more time.

With Queen as their backing band, Adam and Kris dueted on “We Are the Champions.” Although both guys did a great job, that was clearly Adam in his element. Brian May looked pretty damn impressed with him, and rumors about Adam possibly becoming Queen’s new singer have sprouted up overnight. I don’t think that would really happen, but you never know. Of course, he can’t do anything until the stupid Idol tour is over.

FINALLY, Seacrest got around to the results (why this show has to be 2+ hours is beyond me), but not before asking Simon to give Adam and Kris some final thoughts. Cowell was actually not a jerk for a change, and told both finalists that they were not only “brilliant” performers, but truly nice guys.

Somehow, a new voting record (nearly 100 million) was reached on the night of the lowest-rated Top 2 night in Idol’s history. Curious.

As you all know by now, the dark horse won it all. Kris Allen is our American Idol, and he has a terrible single and a (new for this year) gaudy microphone trophy to prove it.

I’m an Adam girl all the way, but I’m not really upset about the outcome. Adam wasn’t either. Did you notice how he laughed when Seacrest told Kris that he’d have to sing the shitastic coronation song again? Yeah, he’s not upset. And you crazy Adam fanatics shouldn’t be either. Stop crying. Stop cursing God and our country. Stop cutting yourself. It’s a mad world, kids. Sometimes your horse doesn’t win. That doesn’t mean he’s going to the glue factory. Not yet, anyway. Adam already knows a lot of people in the music industry, and he’s got enough talent and charisma to take him wherever he wants to go. You might say there are no boundaries. Especially since he isn’t stuck singing about them.

Honestly, I think Kris will do all right for a while, but will eventually fade into obscurity. He's too much like a lot of other people you can already hear on the radio. As for Adam, well, there are a lot of people, including myself who will buy anything (except for the Idol single) he's selling. I mean, I'd take a few of these babies over a Smuggie any day.



Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksalot.