American Idol 8 Results: 5/13/09

Ben Stiller and the cast of Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian open tonight's show with a semi-lame skit. I say "semi-lame," because although Ben and Hank Azaria weren't really that funny, Jonah Hill and Bill Hader were. Jonah Hill is kind of hit-or-miss these days, but when isn't Bill Hader funny?

Kevin Bacon in the house! The Six Degrees of Bacon game just got that much easier.

The Ford commercials keep getting worse and worse. This week's is set to Matthew Wilder's "Break My Stride," otherwise known as "One of the Top 10 Things From the '80s I Wish I Could Go Back in Time and Destroy."

Alicia Keys comes out to talk about Idol Gives Back and receives a standing ovation like she's Michelle Obama or something. Then, she introduces a young dude named Noah from Rwanda who sings "I'm the World's Greatest" while dancing spastically. (I think we've figured out who Danny's been stealing his moves from all this time.) I guess this is supposed to be one of those uplifting Idol moments, and I really wanted to like this, but I didn't. I guess that makes me evil. Whatever.

Seacrest calls Danny Gokey to the stage first to talk about his homecoming in Milwaukee. Danny gushes openly to Ryan about how thrilled he was to be back in "best bud," Jamar's, arms again. We see them embrace for, like, 5 minutes during the video. Adam turns to Kris backstage and asks, "Wow. Do I come off that gay?" Danny's video is basically a lot of shots of him wearing that same stupid smile, staring longingly into Jamar's eyes, forcing out a few tears, and laughing while some poor, crazed fan tries to catch up with his limo. There is also a very deluded fan in the crowd with a sign that reads "Incredible Danny Outsings Lambert." Oh, Milwaukee. Have a few more cans of Beast.

Up next, we see Kris Allen's journey back to Conway, Arkansas. I find it kind of amusing that one of the places he performs in is called Simon Park. Okay, so maybe I'm the only one who thinks it's funny. Kris's video is very sweet, full of really nice moments with his parents, and Kris comes off the same way he has throughout this competition - friendly, reserved, and humble.

Before Adam Lambert's package (video, that is) is unveiled, Season 6 winner Jordin Sparks takes the stage to perform her new single, "Battlefield." (The song was written by Ryan Tedder of OneRepublic. Coincidence that KaRandy picked a OneRepublic song for Kris last night?) The set designers must have really screwed up the budget because they seem to have bought up all the dry ice in the greater Los Angeles area. Seriously, I can barely see Jordin. Except for her rump. That thing is like Nessie rising up out of the fog.

Oh, come on people, I'm not ripping on her weight like everyone else does. I think she looks just fine. But there's no denying that booty. Even Lil Rounds would be impressed with that thing. It's a force to be reckoned with. I don't think any of us were ready for that jelly.

With Jordin's performance behind us (har har), we move on to Glambert's homecoming in San Diego. Proof that Adam casts a wide net of fandom comes in two extremes. First, in the form of a really old dude who excitedly asks Adam to sign his white polo shirt. (That's just a tad creepy. I wouldn't be surprised if he knocked over a gaggle of tweens, including his own grandkids, to get to the front of the crowd. I'm just thankful that he was still wearing a shirt.) Then, we get to see the misguided chick who took her shirt off, only to be greeted by Adam's "ew, boobies" cackling.

The Glam One also spent some time with his childhood theater group, MET2, and he was really good with the kids, who all seemed in awe of him. Adam truly does seem like a sweet guy and, even though I've heard some people claim that he's insincere, I seriously doubt that he can be faking that personality all the time. Obviously, I don't know him, but he's always come off as completely genuine to me. Except for maybe last night, when he said he was honored to share the stage with Hokey. That had to be bullshit, right?

All the former contestants are in the audience, and even Scott MacIntyre's cute brother is there! But where is my girl, Tatiana? Bummer, I don't see her. But hey, there's Megan! Hi, Megan! Caw! CAW!!

Seacrest sits with the three finalists and gets set to introduce Katy Perry. As Danny is sitting there looking like his fake smile is just about to fade, Ryan says that Danny whispered to him during the break that he just wants to get the show over with. Douche Bigelow complains that it's enough already with the commercials and all the "playing around," and he wishes they could just get to it. Just as quickly as Smuggie brought the mood down, Glambert brings it back up by excitedly squealing, "I wanna see KATY PERRY!!" Kris cracks up, while Danny smart-assedly replies, "Yeah, that too." Boy, he sucks.

Well, no wonder Adam wanted to see Katy. Not just because he covets the Elvis-style spandex onesie she's wearing, but because her cape has "Adam Lambert" scrawled on it! (Thanks to eagle-eyed Falwless for pointing that out to me.) I guess that also explains why Hokey wanted to skip over her performance. He must be stewing. What? Someone doesn't love and drool over my awesomeness? How can this be?

Like all Katy Perry songs, "Waking Up in Vegas" is very stupid. However, unlike some of her others, I don't see this one EVER growing on me. But then, "Hot 'N Cold" has been lodged in my iPod for weeks now, and I hated it for a long while. So, who knows. I do know one thing. This chick is gorgeous. I've always thought she was Zooey Deschanel's long-lost twin and since Zooey's on my lesbian list, by the transitive property, I suppose that Katy is on my lesbian list too.

Well, Gokey can quit griping now, as it's time for the results.

Seacrest announces that the first person going on to the Finale is...Kris!! Shock! Awe!

I actually am a bit shocked, because I immediately fear that they are going to pull a Melinda Doolittle here to generate lots of controversy and watercooler freak-outs. As I wince in anticipation of Idol's most egregious error since booting Michael Johns, it's announced that...

GOKEY! You're going home, beeeyotch!!!

He wanted the results, and he got them. Yes, Smuggie, the judges may give you a tongue bath every week, but America hates you. But don't feel bad. You'll always have Jamar.

Seacrest cues up Danny's farewell package, while Danny keeps that fake smile plastered on. It's obvious that he's pissed. He can't believe it. I won't be surprised if he goes all Al Gore in a few days and demands a recount. I can't wait for his follow-up interviews in which he will try not to sound like a sore loser and fail miserably.

You know, I usually always feel at least a twinge of sadness for each person who gets voted off, even if I'm not a fan. But I don't feel the least bit bad for this guy. He didn't deserve to get this far. The only one crying is Paula, and it's probably just because her cup is empty.

Simon says that with the "dark horse," Kris, going up against Adam in the Finale, it could be a "big ding-dong." Hey, I like the sound of that! So does Seacrest.

And that's almost all, folks! Next week is the big sword fight, and we'll find out just who has the biggest ding-dong. We'll also find out if the new Idol single is as bad or worse than all the others. Apparently, the songwriting contest was canceled for this year (I guess they're finally done stealing my idea) and rumor has it that Kara could be writing it. God help us all.


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