Wednesday, May 06, 2009

American Idol 8 Results: 5/6/09

Ryan Seacrest's dream has come true. Allison Iraheta has inexplicably been voted off American Idol, making it a big ol' sausage fest from here on out.

I will miss Allison, and hope that she recovers soon from her "accident." I put accident in quotes because I'm pretty sure that Simon ran her over with that bus intentionally.

You know, when Kris Allen (my pick to go home this week) was the first person announced as safe, I knew immediately what was about to happen. I did feel a slight twinge of "Oh-oh, what if they honor Daughtry's return* with a big shocker and kick Adam off," but that was only a fleeting thought. I knew he wasn't going anywhere. And, even though Danny Gokey's performance last night was epically egregious, America is continuing to give him Get Out of the Bottom 3 Free cards because his wife died.

Just when I thought that Danny's shriektasm was going to be the worst thing any of us would ever see on the Idol stage, Paula Abdul performed her new song, "I'm Just Here for the Music." (Interesting. So am I. Can someone tell me where it is?) When she started her number, I thought for a minute that I had accidentally flipped on The Cougar. Then, I considered the possibility that I had traveled to a Britney Spears concert 20 years in the future. But then I realized that it was probably more like what a Britney Spears show is now - lackluster and kind of embarrassing for everyone involved. I will say though that Paula has tremendous stones to get up on stage and perform in the same venue where she's normally handing out critiques. Apparently, she doesn't care about losing any credibility that she has with the contestants and her fellow judges. Maybe because there is none left, if she ever had any at all. But after that display, how can she possibly carry on with business as usual, sitting there week after week, trying to fool all the contestants that she has anything of value to say? Seriously, she's not allowed to use the word "pitchy" anymore. If she doesn't think someone's performance was quite "in the pocket," she should just say, "You need more Auto Tuning. And why don't you try lip synching next time? It'll sound so much better!"

And just when I thought that things couldn't get worse, No Doubt was inflicted upon us. They were anything but hella good, let me tell ya. I used to like them, and Gwen Stefani always sounded okay on record, but OH MY GOD is she a hot mess live! She should've followed in P-Ab's lip synched footsteps. She sounded weird, she looked weird, she acted was like watching the love child of Jim Carrey and Ruth Buzzi flailing around up there. Now when I think back to her eye-roll at Sanjaya when he covered her "Bathwater," I kind of wish he had punched her in her painted porcelain face. But I guess Sanjaya is getting the last eye-roll now.

It's a rare results night in which the group sing is miles better than the guest performances. Having Slash along for the ride helped, I'm sure.

You know, after those aural assaults from Paula and Gwen, Gokey's "scream heard 'round the world" doesn't seem so bad.

Ohhhh, but it was. There are already some fun YouTubages devoted to it. This one is my fave, but this one is pretty funny, too. The second one is an extended loop of the scream, which seems like it would get annoying, but right about the time you think about turning it off, it suddenly becomes funny again, and steadily increases in hilarity.

Hokey did seem to take it all in stride, admitting that he sounded like shit when he played it back last night, but I didn't necessarily buy his sudden shift into "I'm a cool guy who's not at all a douchebag and I can totally laugh at myself" mode. I think someone might be coaching him, or maybe he picked up a copy of Kris Allen's book, Humility For Dummies.

*I dozed off during his performance.

Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksalot.


words...words...words... said...

As if it weren't already a done deal, this abomination was the last nail in the coffin of this show for me. The 14 year old girls of America have spoken.

And no matter how many people tell me otherwise, No Doubt was good. Intensity and enthusiasm always trump technical skill for me.

Ian said...

I have to give the judges and producers credit. They've created the ultimate supervillain in Danny Gokey.

I've heard the Danny situation compared to David Archuleta from last year. It's another case of a contestant who seems like an immovable object due to heavy pimping and a hardcore fanbase, yet has a style that doesn't appeal to a wide range of viewers. The thing about Archie though, is that even those who weren't fans would probably admit that he was one of the best singers in the competition and that his pimping wasn't completely undeserved. Besides, he was a nice kid, so you couldn't hate him too much.

Danny, on the other hand, emanates smugness, used his dead wife for a sob story and can get off fairly easily from the judges after delivering a trainwreck. Check out What Not to Sing and you'll see that the three most highly-regarded performers this season have been Adam, Allison and Kris by a significant margin. Danny's performances have been average and forgettable, yet Paula tells him "see you in the finale" every few weeks. It's a lot more frustrating for us at home to watch an undeserving contestant get propped up than it is to see someone we merely don't care for succeed.

I hope America unites to tell the judges "screw you" next week when they vote Kris into the finale and let Gokey bite the dust. Kris actually worked to get this far rather than coasting along on the judges' praise. He deserves it way more.

P.S. Sorry to use your comment section for my ramblings. It was just what popped into my mind.

Fancy Schmancy said...

Yeah, what Ian said. I didn't bother watching last night, I knew your recap would be way better than anything I was likely to see. It's inconceivable to me that Danny is still on and Allison is not...

Dale said...

Pretty much my thoughts exactly except for the funnier and better written thing you've got going on :-)

Gifted Typist said...

She has more talent that Smuggy and Kris put together. I hope SMuggy goes next week. Kris will be a more gracious runner up

CDP said...

I'm disappointed to hear that No Doubt is bad live. This is the first time that I haven't started watching AI by now...I've only seen one and that was way back in February. I'll probably watch it next week.

Kristi Mantoni said...

Daughtry was boring. I'm not a big fan anyways and this did nothing to convert me. I found No doubt just plain odd. I'm not sure what was up but, whatever it was, wasn't good.

"it was like watching the love child of Jim Carrey and Ruth Buzzi flailing around up there" Thanks for that gem. My nose now hurts from the Diet Mt. Dew that just shot out of it!

I think Gokey has it in the bag. If he didn't get kicked off after that horrible performance, nothing can stop him! YUCK!

Kristi Mantoni said...

I almost forgot! I love Sanjaya's Bathwater. I listen to it all the time. Actually, I only purchased his songs that season. Last week, out of the blue, my husband started singing the "Sanjaya" song and got me laughing about the whole season again. Sanjaya, Sanjaya, gonna set this place on fire!

red said...

No Doubt is, was and will always be truly terrible.

I said this over at ECV, but I really think everyone is underestimating the power the Crazy Christians give to Danny. Seriously, there are A LOT of people who will vote for him just because he is a music minister. These are the same people who kept GWB in office for 8 years. Seriously.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

The Cougar/Paula!!!


Kris or Danny should have gone before Allison.
Nuff said.

SkylersDad said...

What does it say about how far Idol has slid when Slash was the best thing of the night?

Blanche said...

Adam and Allison should have been the final two. I can't help but think this whole show is a freakin set up.

Cora said...

I know!! As soon as Kris was safe, I knew exactly what was coming. Grrrr.

It's a crime. I'm pissed. My daughter actually cried her eyes out over it and sobbed, "i-it's n-n-not fair! *sniffle* I just wanna p-punch Gokey in the f-faaaaace!! WAAAAAAAAAA!!" That's my girl. :-)

And No Doubt was TERRIBLE. Tragic Kingdom indeed. I'm so glad now that I missed out on scoring their tour tickets. *whew!!!!* I could NOT take two hours of THAT.

Anonymous said...

Between Paula and Gwen, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

Nomad said...

Paula may have been lip-syncing, but i doubt you'll hear any complaints from the male half of the population about that

LiLu said...

I like sausage fests.


Coaster Punchman said...

I'm in deep, deep mourning. Allison had become more precious to me than Melinder, even.

Andy said...

I can't get over Danny's Rebel Yell yet. How did he not go home after that?

I wanted Allison to stick around, if only to offer some variety. Life is cruel.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

One of these days you are going to wear me down and I will end up watching this show.

Dale said...

Don't do it Barbara, we love you too much to allow it.

dguzman said...

I can't believe it took me this long to get around to your latest AI installment. As if to punish me, you linked to those yootoobs of Hokey's scream.



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