American Idol 8 Results: 5/6/09

Ryan Seacrest's dream has come true. Allison Iraheta has inexplicably been voted off American Idol, making it a big ol' sausage fest from here on out.

I will miss Allison, and hope that she recovers soon from her "accident." I put accident in quotes because I'm pretty sure that Simon ran her over with that bus intentionally.

You know, when Kris Allen (my pick to go home this week) was the first person announced as safe, I knew immediately what was about to happen. I did feel a slight twinge of "Oh-oh, what if they honor Daughtry's return* with a big shocker and kick Adam off," but that was only a fleeting thought. I knew he wasn't going anywhere. And, even though Danny Gokey's performance last night was epically egregious, America is continuing to give him Get Out of the Bottom 3 Free cards because his wife died.

Just when I thought that Danny's shriektasm was going to be the worst thing any of us would ever see on the Idol stage, Paula Abdul performed her new song, "I'm Just Here for the Music." (Interesting. So am I. Can someone tell me where it is?) When she started her number, I thought for a minute that I had accidentally flipped on The Cougar. Then, I considered the possibility that I had traveled to a Britney Spears concert 20 years in the future. But then I realized that it was probably more like what a Britney Spears show is now - lackluster and kind of embarrassing for everyone involved. I will say though that Paula has tremendous stones to get up on stage and perform in the same venue where she's normally handing out critiques. Apparently, she doesn't care about losing any credibility that she has with the contestants and her fellow judges. Maybe because there is none left, if she ever had any at all. But after that display, how can she possibly carry on with business as usual, sitting there week after week, trying to fool all the contestants that she has anything of value to say? Seriously, she's not allowed to use the word "pitchy" anymore. If she doesn't think someone's performance was quite "in the pocket," she should just say, "You need more Auto Tuning. And why don't you try lip synching next time? It'll sound so much better!"

And just when I thought that things couldn't get worse, No Doubt was inflicted upon us. They were anything but hella good, let me tell ya. I used to like them, and Gwen Stefani always sounded okay on record, but OH MY GOD is she a hot mess live! She should've followed in P-Ab's lip synched footsteps. She sounded weird, she looked weird, she acted weird...it was like watching the love child of Jim Carrey and Ruth Buzzi flailing around up there. Now when I think back to her eye-roll at Sanjaya when he covered her "Bathwater," I kind of wish he had punched her in her painted porcelain face. But I guess Sanjaya is getting the last eye-roll now.

It's a rare results night in which the group sing is miles better than the guest performances. Having Slash along for the ride helped, I'm sure.

You know, after those aural assaults from Paula and Gwen, Gokey's "scream heard 'round the world" doesn't seem so bad.

Ohhhh, but it was. There are already some fun YouTubages devoted to it. This one is my fave, but this one is pretty funny, too. The second one is an extended loop of the scream, which seems like it would get annoying, but right about the time you think about turning it off, it suddenly becomes funny again, and steadily increases in hilarity.

Hokey did seem to take it all in stride, admitting that he sounded like shit when he played it back last night, but I didn't necessarily buy his sudden shift into "I'm a cool guy who's not at all a douchebag and I can totally laugh at myself" mode. I think someone might be coaching him, or maybe he picked up a copy of Kris Allen's book, Humility For Dummies.

*I dozed off during his performance.


Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksalot.