Tuesday, July 14, 2009

People Are Idiots, Pt. MMMMMCCCLXIX

Seems the American Idol tour ran into a little bit of ugly business on Sunday, when servants of the LAWD protested outside the San Jose Arena. Turns out, they weren't unhappy about the inclusion of "No Boundaries" in the set list*, as most folks were. No, they just wanted to drop by and let everyone know that, unless Adam Lambert gave up Teh Gay, he and anyone who paid money to hear his unholy, lusty wails would all be torn asunder and fed to the hounds of hell, or the beasts of brimstone, or the puppies of purgatory.**

It was also rumored that these fine, upstanding people were aiming their righteous anger at other Idols, namely Allison Iraheta and Kris Allen, for being "fag enablers." Fag enablers? What are those? I wanna be one! It sounds like fun! Especially if Lambert's involved. I will enable him all day long.

But wait! It gets better! Here are the protesters, or "fag disablers," if you will:

Adam caught a glimpse of these two outside his tour bus window and he was sore afraid.

I mean, seriously. This is it?? GAYS ARE RUINING THE WORLD, and only two people bothered to show up and spread the word? Did they forget to put the meeting time in the church bulletin, or are these just the worst zealots ever? What kind of church do these people belong to? Bob's Church and Grill? Come on! I could gather more people together in the next five minutes to protest that guy's fanny pack.

These idiots were right about one thing though: hell is waiting for anyone who buys a ticket for the Idol tour. But what they didn't tell anyone is that there's an easy way to escape it. Just skip Danny Gokey's set.

(For all of you insane people out there ready to anonymously flail me in the comments section, just know that I am a Christian. And I would like to remind you what Jesus said about homosexuals. Actually, why don't you remind me? That page of my Bible must have been ripped out.)

*I hear it's since been removed. Hallelujah!!
** Thank you, Sir Simon Milligan.

29 comments:

The Vegetable Assassin said...

What's life without unholy, lusty wails, that is what I always say.

OK I don't ALWAYS say it, in fact that's the first time I ever said it, but I will say it once an hour from now on. Because it's glorious.

Unlike those asshat protesters.

Fancy Schmancy said...

I think fanny packs are much more detrimental to our society than the gays are. As a matter of fact, I think Jesus would have been way more tolerant than the people who are so happy to spread his word. And by spread his word, I mean intolerant, bigoted a*holes.

The Jesus I know and love was probably gay himself. Or at least a hell-raiser! Hard telling, not knowing...

bloody awful poetry said...

Your LOLidols are works of sublime artistic amazingness. I especially dig the second one.

download Big brother said...

People say so much about the celebrities to get some fame, as same as in case of MJ. some people told him gay but the truth is he is the legend of entertainment world. He is died now but some @##$$# people not saying some good word for him. Kris Allen is the winner of famous tv show american idol. then how can they forget him.

katrocket said...

I luaghed so hard at this post, BeckEye (LOVE those LOLidols!), but wow, Download Big Brother almost upstaged you just now.

Billy said...

I actually take it as a sign of progress that the whole thing only gets two goobers off their couch, rather than the usual 10-12. Even the "God Hates Fags" (and a whole host of others, including USA) folks usually whip up close to double-digits in their protests. And that's not even counting their big signs, which technically have higher levels of sentience than the morons holding them up.

And when these screwed-up Christians (hello, fellow Sane Christian!) use the Bible as their excuse, I think it's just 'cuz Jesus never actually used the word "Fabulous!!"

JESUS SAY RELAX!

Anonymous said...

This protest wasn't specific to Adam or American Idol. Those same freaks are always protesting outside the San Jose HP Pavilion. I don't think I've seen a show there where they haven't shown up. They scream about worshiping false idols. Seen em there when I saw Madonna, Janet Jackson and Tina Turner.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I thought fag enablers were those people who bought cigarettes for underage kids.

And, wow...5369 reasons why people are idiots. So far. Impressive.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Really, is anyone taking the Westboro Baptist Church and the God Hates Fags people seriously any more? They're just a dozen or so idiots beyond parody.

The best thing I've heard about them recently is that a group of people have decided that for every minute that these wackos protest events, they'll donate money to a Gay charity. So in effect, one could argue that these protests do more good than harm.

dguzman said...

Oh look! Grandpa and Grandma Jesus went out for a walk! It's good for them to get out of the house sometimes, or they'd go nuts.

Oh wait...

Happy Villain said...

I want to be a fag enabler, too, and hang out with the Puppies of Purgatory! (Cool band name. I bet they rock.)

When you look at that couple, it makes you wonder how they even got to see or hear about American Idol in that wing of the hospital, but I guess they think the music is good therapy for the mentally ill.

Cormac Brown said...

Shit, I don't care if just two of these idiots showed up, they're ruining Northern California's name with this ass hattery.

red said...

I volunteer to join your protest against his fanny pack.

Cora said...

My God people are stooooooopid.

I went to the concert. It was all good.... except Gokey, as predicted. He spewed this 10 minute long faux-inspirational yarn about his wife's death.

On and on and on he went (my kid was slumped in her seat rolling her eyes), ending with this statement, "so, see, all these good things that came out of her death?" then he burst into song while my jaw hit the floor in disgust. "See all these good things that came out of her death"?! I wanted to punch him. Again.

I bet she's glad she's dead. Living with him must've been sheer hell.

Soda and Candy said...

Oh I am so on board with the fanny pack protest.

I do think a two person protest is pretty sad.

leslie said...

those two grannies should git a job.

GothicBttrfly said...

oohhh I wanna be a Fag Enabler!!!! how do we get in on this?

Chancelucky said...

I'm mostly surprised to see that this happened in San Jose. At least those people could have recruited Clay Aiken to protest Adam's music.

Alice said...

i now have "give up the gay" in my head, except it's set to the same cadence as "bring out yer dead!" in monty python.

Bond said...

Two people is not a protest...it is a date...

words...words...words... said...

I think you got your pictures mixed up. These two people are protesting the end of Denny's "bottomless cup of coffee" policy.

And your LOLIDOLZ are freaking genius.

Anonymous said...

People, don't be so hard on them. Everyone believes in something, and although I am quite liberal, I myself didn't think gay and Idol went together very well. An Idol is someone you look up to and want to be like. As far as dissing Danny, again, think how you would feel if you had such a deep hurt in your life that takes a long time to heal. Have some compassion and respect for those who see things differently than you. This couple believed in what they were doing, and Danny believes in what he is doing. Not all of us can say that or have that kind of confidence.

words...words...words... said...

Hitler, Stalin and Osama believed in what they were doing, too. It's not all about conviction.

And as far as Danny goes, it's one thing to mourn a loss like the one he had. It's quite another to use it as a marketing strategy.

Les Becker said...

Hey! I'll have you know that 'round THESE parts, Bob's Church and Grill has a large congregation. Especially at the Friday Night All-You-Can-Eat Fish Fry.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

World 1,000,000

Idiots 0

And that guy's fanny pack is soooo last season.

BeckEye said...

Dearest Anonymous #2,

Oh, I totally respect everyone's right to believe what they want to believe. But I don't respect people who force those beliefs on everyone else. If someone is gonna do that, then I get to voice my disgust. Do those protesters have any respect for others' beliefs? Do they have any compassion for people who are different from them? No. It's their way or the highway to hell. And they let everyone know it. I don't see you out there asking Fanny Pack not to be so hard on Adam.

You're obviously not a fan of "teh gay," and that's fine. But let's not assume that an "Idol" has to be a perfect angel in order to be successful or well-liked. That's ridiculous. We're talking about the music business! Who are some of the biggest pop idols (before there was Idol) to ever grace the biz? Elvis. Michael Jackson. Madonna. Prince. Are they people we should all aspire to be like? Hell no. But are they entertaining? Hell yes.

As far as Danny goes, look, I don't hate the guy as much as I used to. Mainly because he's not on my TV screen every Tuesday night. But I can't end the Gokey-bashing so abruptly. It's become part of my schtick.

Also, I've always felt bad for the guy for losing his wife. I feel bad for anyone who's lost a loved one. But, as WWW said here already, it was pretty creepy the way he used that tragedy as a marketing strategy. And I am not the only one who feels that way. And just because the guy has had some tragedy in his life, that means no one's allowed to voice a negative opinion of his talent? Be serious. If it's too hard for him to hear the negative, he's in the wrong business. And if it's too hard for him to hear it so soon after his wife's death, then maybe he should've waited a while before jumping into AI. But, you know what? I've seen backstage videos, etc. of the Idols and Danny looks like he's having a pretty damn good time. He's not moping around with his head hanging down every minute of the day, so why do his fans continue to act like he's some poor lost puppy who has to be treated so delicately?

And I just had an interesting thought, which is not meant to be directed at you in particular. I wonder if all the Danny fans would have had as much sympathy for Adam if he had lost a partner. I'd like to think so, but something tells me that the majority of them wouldn't have.

Falwless said...

Sorry, "download Big brother" was me. I forgot to sign out and sign in under Falwless.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Holy shit, Alice's comment is hilarious. And I totally have the "Get out the gay!" cadence stuck in my head now, too.

Megan said...

If it's anyone who needs gays in their lives, it's these two - fanny packs and PJs? SRSLY?

 

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