Thursday, August 20, 2009

I'm Baaa-ack Like a Poltergeist, Bitches

I’m back! Did you all miss me terribly?

Oh, you did? REALLY? Yeah, I can tell by the zero comments you all left, begging for my swift return. Fickle blogospherians. What do I have to do to get you people to be lost without me?

Perhaps I wasn’t really needed over the past week or two because the entertainment world hasn’t been very, uh, entertaining. To prove it, here is a recap of some of the top stories that hit while I was away. I will do my best to make all of this shit sound much more interesting than it really is.

In the “Circle of Life” file:

Guitar inventor/legend Les Paul passed away at the age of 94, while Olivia Newton-John’s presumed-dead boyfriend appeared to be alive…and living debt-free (for now).

Country duo Brooks & Dunn split, while rumors swirled that Britpop band Blur is considering extending their recent “comeback” by playing more gigs and recording a new album.


In the “Things That Should Have Happened Long Ago” file:

Robin Wright-Penn filed for divorce from Sean Penn. For realz this time. Boy, I hope these crazy kids can finally make this break-up work. Third time’s a charm, I suppose.

It was announced that Michael Jackson
will finally be buried on his birthday, August 29 – more than a month after his death. (Ew.) I’m sure the funeral will be quiet and dignified, like everything the Jacksons do. And I’m sure Joe Jackson won’t take the opportunity to promote his new record label.


In the “Dirty Little Sluts” file:

Miley Cyrus worked the pole at the Teen Choice Awards while her pop beamed proudly from the sidelines. Ugh. Billy Ray Cyrus has definitely reached a Your Mama Don’t Dance kind of creepiness, but still has a while to go before reaching Joe Simpson's level.

Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Greene, and Channing Tatum were the latest to be inducted into the “Oops, I never thought those pictures/videos would get out” club. And now people over the age of 14 actually know who they are.


In the “Who Cares About American Healthcare, When We Have American Idol” file:

Kelly Clarkson was Photoshopped to all hell by Self, in an issue that purports to teach women how to achieve “total body confidence” and features an interview with Clarkson in which she states, “When people talk about my weight, I’m like, ‘You seem to have a problem with it; I don’t. I’m fine!’” It’s really no surprise that the cover was altered. I doubt there is a magazine in the world that doesn’t Photoshop its cover models. The controversy probably would have blown over if Editor-in-Chief Lucy Danziger wasn’t a complete simpleton who thought admitting that the mag skinnified Clarkson “only to make her look her personal best” was a good defense. Or if she hadn’t made it even worse by telling Today that “she’s essentially like she was on the cover.” And Danziger is essentially full of shit.

David Cook recently crashed Green River Ordinance’s set at the West Virginia State Fair dressed as Green Man and won a special place in my heart.

Adam Lambert remade New Order’s “True Faith” video. Or got a gig as the Michelin Man’s goth brother. Or he starred as Robbie the Robot in an all-gay stage production of Forbidden Planet. Or he was just trying to guarantee himself a spot on the Most Ridiculous Album Covers of All Time list. Whatever. He still has a special place in my heart. But maybe he should consider posing as Green Man for the album cover? (Not to be confused with this green man. Been there, done that.)

The Paula Abdul saga continued. AI is still unsure (or so they claim) about who, if anyone, will permanently replace Drunky. Right now, producers are lining up a bunch of guest judges for the audition rounds, including Shania Twain, Victoria Beckham, Katy Perry, Mary J. Blige, Joe Jonas, and #1 Idol, Kelly Clarkson. However, a recent report claims that FOX is turning to focus groups to decide whether to suck it up and make a deal with Paula. I think it’s kind of funny that the article states that “FOX loves focus groups.” I wonder…did they use focus groups when deciding to bring a 4th judge on the show – one who is almost cartoonishly unlikable?


In the “Most Awesome Thing I’ve Seen In A While” file:

THIS.















The couple in the photo swear that it's not doctored in any way. I believe them. I must. I can’t think of anything more soul crushing than finding out that this is a Photoshop.

16 comments:

Kristi Mantoni said...

I love that last picture! You're right, nothing much happening in the entertainment world.

Shelly said...

That last picture is awesome. I love it. If it's photoshopped, I don't want to know.

red said...

I missed you terribly!

The K. Clarkson pisses me the hell off (natch). We're not all size 2...effing deal!

Mathdude said...

Wow, so you're saying some 94 year old dude kicking the bucket isn't big news? Even if the dude was named after a guitar?

Welcome back. I'm surprised you haven't been asked to be in Fox's focus group.

LiLu said...

I don't think anyone will ever top Joe Simp for Creepy Dad. When you start talking about your daughter's gazongas, I think you get that crown for life.

Soda and Candy said...

I LOVE that squirrel. I wish squirrels would pop up when I take photos.

Also, glad to have you back. I guess I just assumed you were busy being cool and famous.
: )

Some Guy said...

Welcome back, Ms. Eye! Maybe something interesting will happen in the world of pop culture now that you've returned.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I left you some luvluv on my blog while you were wherever the hell you popular types go. Of course, you're sharing it with 99 other people, but...

bloody awful poetry said...

I missed you so much I couldn't even bear to click over to your blog, because the full realization of your absence would have crushed my soul into little sharp pices which would then have ripped my heart to shreds.

Ooo. I always loved squirrels! Oh and I think The Verve split up again. Or so I've heard.

Cormac Brown said...

That's not Photoshop, that's reincarnation.

Penny said...

I just found your blog. I think I am in love :)

Barbara Bruederlin said...

It's not a squirrel, it's a ground squirrel. But the debate still rages on around here whether it's a Richardson or a Columbian. These sorts of details are important to us mountain dwellers.

SkylersDad said...

is there anything that Miley wont do, or her father wont have her do, for more exposure?

Bond said...

Les Paul's passing WAS a big deal...music would be so much different without him

the pop culture world is always less without your take on it.

Annie said...

It is NOT photoshopped, I actually know the lady. She is a nurse in MN and has no time to play wit PS lol. we did miss you, and I for one an glad you are back!

words...words...words... said...

That sucks about Kelly Clarkson. I liked that her music was popular and she was sexy and it didn't matter that she was a little bigger. I guess it does matter.

And that squirrel is awesome.

 

Who Does This Broad Think She Is?

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I am a winsome muse who was sent to Earth to inspire an artist to turn a vacant building into the world's coolest disco roller rink. We fell in love along the way, and I foolishly gave up my immortality. When the disco craze ended and all the roller rinks were shut down, that lazy bum wouldn't get a job. We broke up and I was stuck on Earth with nothing to do and no one to inspire. So, now I write a blog.

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