I’m back! Did you all miss me terribly?
Oh, you did? REALLY? Yeah, I can tell by the zero comments you all left, begging for my swift return. Fickle blogospherians. What do I have to do to get you people to be lost without me?
Perhaps I wasn’t really needed over the past week or two because the entertainment world hasn’t been very, uh, entertaining. To prove it, here is a recap of some of the top stories that hit while I was away. I will do my best to make all of this shit sound much more interesting than it really is.
In the “Circle of Life” file:
Guitar inventor/legend Les Paul passed away at the age of 94, while Olivia Newton-John’s presumed-dead boyfriend
appeared to be alive…and living debt-free (for now).
Country duo Brooks & Dunn split, while rumors swirled that Britpop band Blur is considering extending their recent “comeback” by playing more gigs and recording a new album.
In the “Things That Should Have Happened Long Ago” file:
Robin Wright-Penn filed for divorce from Sean Penn. For realz this time. Boy, I hope these crazy kids can finally make this break-up work. Third time’s a charm, I suppose.
It was announced that Michael Jackson will finally be buried on his birthday, August 29 – more than a month after his death. (Ew.) I’m sure the funeral will be quiet and dignified, like everything the Jacksons do. And I’m sure Joe Jackson won’t take the opportunity to promote his new record label.
In the “Dirty Little Sluts” file:
Miley Cyrus worked the pole at the Teen Choice Awards while her pop beamed proudly from the sidelines. Ugh. Billy Ray Cyrus has definitely reached a Your Mama Don’t Dance kind of creepiness, but still has a while to go before reaching Joe Simpson's level.
Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Greene, and Channing Tatum were the latest to be inducted into the “Oops, I never thought those pictures/videos would get out” club. And now people over the age of 14 actually know who they are.
In the “Who Cares About American Healthcare, When We Have American Idol” file:
Kelly Clarkson was Photoshopped to all hell by Self, in an issue that purports to teach women how to achieve “total body confidence” and features an interview with Clarkson in which she states, “When people talk about my weight, I’m like, ‘You seem to have a problem with it; I don’t. I’m fine!’” It’s really no surprise that the cover was altered. I doubt there is a magazine in the world that doesn’t Photoshop its cover models. The controversy probably would have blown over if Editor-in-Chief Lucy Danziger wasn’t a complete simpleton who thought admitting that the mag skinnified Clarkson “only to make her look her personal best” was a good defense. Or if she hadn’t made it even worse by telling Today that “she’s essentially like she was on the cover.” And Danziger is essentially full of shit.
David Cook recently crashed Green River Ordinance’s set at the West Virginia State Fair dressed as Green Man and won a special place in my heart.
Adam Lambert remade New Order’s “True Faith” video. Or got a gig as the Michelin Man’s goth brother. Or he starred as Robbie the Robot in an all-gay stage production of Forbidden Planet. Or he was just trying to guarantee himself a spot on the Most Ridiculous Album Covers of All Time list. Whatever. He still has a special place in my heart. But maybe he should consider posing as Green Man for the album cover? (Not to be confused with this green man. Been there, done that.)
The Paula Abdul saga continued. AI is still unsure (or so they claim) about who, if anyone, will permanently replace Drunky. Right now, producers are lining up a bunch of guest judges for the audition rounds, including Shania Twain, Victoria Beckham, Katy Perry, Mary J. Blige, Joe Jonas, and #1 Idol, Kelly Clarkson. However, a recent report claims that FOX is turning to focus groups to decide whether to suck it up and make a deal with Paula. I think it’s kind of funny that the article states that “FOX loves focus groups.” I wonder…did they use focus groups when deciding to bring a 4th judge on the show – one who is almost cartoonishly unlikable?
In the “Most Awesome Thing I’ve Seen In A While” file:
THIS.
The couple in the photo swear that it's not doctored in any way. I believe them. I must. I can’t think of anything more soul crushing than finding out that this is a Photoshop.
Oh, you did? REALLY? Yeah, I can tell by the zero comments you all left, begging for my swift return. Fickle blogospherians. What do I have to do to get you people to be lost without me?
Perhaps I wasn’t really needed over the past week or two because the entertainment world hasn’t been very, uh, entertaining. To prove it, here is a recap of some of the top stories that hit while I was away. I will do my best to make all of this shit sound much more interesting than it really is.
In the “Circle of Life” file:
Guitar inventor/legend Les Paul passed away at the age of 94, while Olivia Newton-John’s presumed-dead boyfriend
appeared to be alive…and living debt-free (for now).Country duo Brooks & Dunn split, while rumors swirled that Britpop band Blur is considering extending their recent “comeback” by playing more gigs and recording a new album.
In the “Things That Should Have Happened Long Ago” file:
Robin Wright-Penn filed for divorce from Sean Penn. For realz this time. Boy, I hope these crazy kids can finally make this break-up work. Third time’s a charm, I suppose.
It was announced that Michael Jackson will finally be buried on his birthday, August 29 – more than a month after his death. (Ew.) I’m sure the funeral will be quiet and dignified, like everything the Jacksons do. And I’m sure Joe Jackson won’t take the opportunity to promote his new record label.
In the “Dirty Little Sluts” file:
Miley Cyrus worked the pole at the Teen Choice Awards while her pop beamed proudly from the sidelines. Ugh. Billy Ray Cyrus has definitely reached a Your Mama Don’t Dance kind of creepiness, but still has a while to go before reaching Joe Simpson's level.Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Greene, and Channing Tatum were the latest to be inducted into the “Oops, I never thought those pictures/videos would get out” club. And now people over the age of 14 actually know who they are.
In the “Who Cares About American Healthcare, When We Have American Idol” file:
Kelly Clarkson was Photoshopped to all hell by Self, in an issue that purports to teach women how to achieve “total body confidence” and features an interview with Clarkson in which she states, “When people talk about my weight, I’m like, ‘You seem to have a problem with it; I don’t. I’m fine!’” It’s really no surprise that the cover was altered. I doubt there is a magazine in the world that doesn’t Photoshop its cover models. The controversy probably would have blown over if Editor-in-Chief Lucy Danziger wasn’t a complete simpleton who thought admitting that the mag skinnified Clarkson “only to make her look her personal best” was a good defense. Or if she hadn’t made it even worse by telling Today that “she’s essentially like she was on the cover.” And Danziger is essentially full of shit.David Cook recently crashed Green River Ordinance’s set at the West Virginia State Fair dressed as Green Man and won a special place in my heart.
Adam Lambert remade New Order’s “True Faith” video. Or got a gig as the Michelin Man’s goth brother. Or he starred as Robbie the Robot in an all-gay stage production of Forbidden Planet. Or he was just trying to guarantee himself a spot on the Most Ridiculous Album Covers of All Time list. Whatever. He still has a special place in my heart. But maybe he should consider posing as Green Man for the album cover? (Not to be confused with this green man. Been there, done that.)
The Paula Abdul saga continued. AI is still unsure (or so they claim) about who, if anyone, will permanently replace Drunky. Right now, producers are lining up a bunch of guest judges for the audition rounds, including Shania Twain, Victoria Beckham, Katy Perry, Mary J. Blige, Joe Jonas, and #1 Idol, Kelly Clarkson. However, a recent report claims that FOX is turning to focus groups to decide whether to suck it up and make a deal with Paula. I think it’s kind of funny that the article states that “FOX loves focus groups.” I wonder…did they use focus groups when deciding to bring a 4th judge on the show – one who is almost cartoonishly unlikable?
In the “Most Awesome Thing I’ve Seen In A While” file:
THIS.
The couple in the photo swear that it's not doctored in any way. I believe them. I must. I can’t think of anything more soul crushing than finding out that this is a Photoshop.
Comments
The K. Clarkson pisses me the hell off (natch). We're not all size 2...effing deal!
Welcome back. I'm surprised you haven't been asked to be in Fox's focus group.
Also, glad to have you back. I guess I just assumed you were busy being cool and famous.
: )
Ooo. I always loved squirrels! Oh and I think The Verve split up again. Or so I've heard.
the pop culture world is always less without your take on it.
And that squirrel is awesome.