Monday, August 24, 2009

We're All Doomed. Doomed, I Say! DOOMED!

It's only fitting that the force that will one day unravel the entire fabric of the universe would have flaunted her destructive powers at last night's Miss Universe Pageant. Of course, not even I realized just how evil Heidi Montag was until she showed up in a TJ Maxx flesh suit and proceeded to set music back by 300 years by joylessly plodding around to a beat no one else could hear, crushing Alison Moyet's soul, and making anyone unlucky enough to be watching wish for the sweet, sweet relief of swift death.

No, I don't watch the Miss Universe Pageant. I was dumb enough to watch this shit on YouTube. And now I'm sharing it with you. Because if I can't enjoy life anymore, none of you can!! Of course, there's a chance you won't press play...provided your name is Jesus Christ. He is the only one strong enough to resist such darkness.



Hey, while we're waiting for those four horsemen, why not check out Britney's 2007 VMA performance again? It's like a blinding light from Heaven compared to the Hell we just witnessed, isn't it? Oh, Brit. Forgive us for crucifying you back then. We knew not what we were doing.

23 comments:

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Must not .. press ... the arrow.....GAHHHH!!!!

J.J. in L.A. said...

Nope, still don't like Britney. I actually couldn't tell the difference. But if that's what passes for music these days, thank God I'm old!

SkylersDad said...

I think some of these "singers" are actually going out of their way to not match the lip syncing.

Tootsie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
CDP said...

I won't press play, I won't, I tell you.

Bubs said...

Ms. Spears was far more entertaining

Malcolm said...

When I saw this garbagio on a morning cable news show, I was so distracted by how horrid Heidi was that I didn't realize what song she was butchering. I don't believe that Vince Clarke's soul is in very good shape either after this mess.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Heidi Funbags wants to be Britney SO BADLY it's horrifying. I kept hoping her new tits would jump right out of her fleshtone top and run off in terror. Her voice is no more horrid than any other of a million vapid bimbo singing sensations - over produced to the point it's not her anymore, so really she could be tone deaf and no one would ever know anyway. In fact you know she is. Her dancing reminds me of me imitating Britney, after I've had a few beers, i.e., spoof bordering on retarded.

katrocket said...

Heidi must have learned her dance moves from those twisted little bitches on "Toddlers and Tiaras".

Wretched.

My eyes are burning!

Some Guy said...

Were those cheers at the end because it was over? I hope for the sake of the future of mankind they were.

Billy said...

Having managed to avoid 95% of all exposure to the Mystery That Is Heidi -- I blame having children, leading to an overdose if iCarly -- I just watched the video and kept wondering how the hell this lady got any attention at all.

Did she at some point one-up Jessica Simpson by calling pork "chicken of the mud" or something?

Heidi is that rare moment when I'm kind of proud to be out of the pop culture loop. Britney? That's a loop we all love bein' in. ;-)

Bond said...

I am strong and despise these people, so I am NOT pressing play

Dr Zibbs said...

Terrible

elaine said...

I will never be able to listen to Yaz again.

Slyde said...

my wife was actually watching this crap when it was on.

i just have ZERO interest in this kind of stuff. If i want to watch half-naked chicks, i'll just go for it and watch porn..

Penny said...

OMG..we are like BFF's!
I just saw that last night and it made me want to vomit into my own hair.
My question to you: Who listens to her? Who watches her on telly?
And who cares??? She is everywhere!! Arrrgggggghhh..

I don't even think she was singing, not that Brit does either live, but still!!

I do love me some Britney, pure pop amazing-ness, just for the record. Heidi..Not so much.

<3

Chancelucky said...

Would you actually expect tasteful music from the Miss Universe Pageant. I confess to having watched a part of the swimsuit competition while channel surfing. The shortest contestant was 5'7 and most were 5'10 and taller.

It made me sort of sad. In addition to being the wrong gender and age, I'm now also too short to be Miss Universe....

Donna said...

Are we sure that wasn't a dude in drag?

LiLu said...

I never thought Crazy Britney would win over anyone.

words...words...words... said...

Maybe it's just the musical version of saying "all Chinese people look the same", but I can't tell this dreck from the rest of the dreck that features headset mics, taped music and backup dancers.

Moxie said...

The tune sounds catchy but someone forgot to completely wind the key in Heidi's back before putting her on the stage. Yeesh.

Dale said...

That was worse than I'd heard! Was it in three parts? The editing was weird. It sounded like one of the lyrics was 'I got what you need, do what you like' or something? Oh my. I was much more entertained by Chelsea Handler going off about Billy Bush and his man love for Dean Cain on the same show.

J. Hi said...

I love Britney even more now. She was better in her daze than Heidi was really trying hard.

 

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