Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Eye Boogers

Like the goop that's always accumulating in the corners of our eyes, the following items are curiously fascinating:

Miley Cyrus Quits Twitter - I kind of wish I had a Twitter account now so that I could tweet my suicide note.

Adam Lambert Unleashes Highly-Anticipated Post-Apocalyptic Song - And it sounds like Daughtry and David Cook covering a Muse song while trying to throw in bits of Zeppelin's "Kashmir." Judging from the overwhelmingly positive response that the song has received so far, I guess I'm in the minority on this one. Look, I want to like it. I want Adam to do well. But, just from the short preview, it sounds like every other anthemic song ever done by every other past Idol contestant. Who knows, maybe I'll change my mind when I hear it in its entirety. But it is the theme to a big budget disaster film (2012), so I imagine it will fall somewhere between glorious cheese ball ("My Heart Will Go On") and ipecac for the ears ("I Don't Want To Miss A Thing"). It's certainly not as bad as "No Boundaries." And it sounds miles better than 2012 looks. Seriously, have you seen that ridiculous trailer? What the hell? Is John Cusack broke or what?

Rob Lowe Is Such A Pro - Sodapop Curtis recently grumbled about becoming frustrated on the set of The Invention of Lying, because co-star Ricky Gervais kept laughing during their scenes. The surprisingly uptight Lowe claims that his "old school" training prohibits him from ever ruining a take with a case of the giggles—something he considers a "badge of honor." Whoop-dee-doo. It's interesting that when he went shopping for badges, he thought the "never laughed during a scene" one would somehow be more valuable than the "never went to rehab" or "never got caught on tape having sex with underage girls" ones.

And now for a new sub-feature of Eye Boogers: Meta Eye Boogers! These are stories I've already reported on for my new gig at YourTango's Celeb Love blog. Click the links to get more of ME! You can't escape ME! Mwaaah hahahahaha!! (But be warned - it's a slightly kinder, gentler me over there.)

Kirstie Alley Is Crazy Like A Foxx - I don't like to make fun of Kirstie Alley because she's good friends with John Travolta, but lady is losing her mind. She's been tweeting all this crazy nonsense about how she's having sex practically 24/7 with Jamie Foxx, who doesn't seem to recall ever tapping that. Either she's just trying to get some free publicity before launching her new weight loss system next month, or that nonstop rollercoaster of losing weight and putting it back on has made her completely mental.

Madonna's Got Jesus In Her Heart And On Her Block - It's been rumored that Madonna has her real estate agents looking for a loft near her Upper East Side home in which to keep her 22-year-old lover, Jesus Luz. (The budget is just around $3 million, which may seem excessive until you realize that her place cost $40 million.) Hey, nothing wrong with being a sugar momma. Get 'em young and raise 'em the way you like, that's what I always say. Unfortunately, I have neither the money nor the cougar appeal to put that motto into practice.

Marge Simpson Poses For Playboy - Well, at least it wasn't Patty and Selma. (Insert Sideshow Bob shudder here.)


Anonymous said...

I think Kirstie Alley would make a great Lifetime biopic subject. She has all the ingredients - early fame, sex symboldom, weird looking, full of Scientology madness, personal issues with weight...it couldn't fail. I mean even I'd watch that.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

That Marge Simpson thing is real? Christ, I thought it was a prank.

red said...

Dude, what is up with John Cusack?! That movie looks so bad.

I love that you worked in a "canoodling" in that Celeb Love post. What a good little gossip reporter you are!

Malcolm said...

Any guy who does an Oscar production number with Snow White shouldn't be talking about badges of honor.

mylittlebecky said...

can't. get. mental. image. OUT! noooooooo!

Anonymous said...

I thought Kirstie ate Miley? I'm confused. I wish she would anyway.

Scope said...

Rob Lowe - In Hollywood, the rehab badge and the sex tape badge are a dime a dozen. But the no giggles badge? That's 3 eay payments of $19.95.

Kristie Alley - Is she now going to be "Alley for Alli"? And maybe she's been confused and doing some dude named Jimmi Foxx.

Soda and Candy said...

Dude. Rob Lowe needs to pull his head in. Sorry mate, I'm pretty sure you conceded the moral high ground some time ago.

BeckEye, congratulations on completing the next phase of world domination! One blog at a time!

Cormac Brown said...

Congrats on your new gig and now celebs will be three times as wary to their little asshat shenanigans.

Ugh. I don't like any of the Bouvier sisters and Marge really doesn't do it for me, I can't get past the hair.

Finally, you misunderstood, Kristie meant the ghost of Redd, not Jamie.

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

What is it with guys thinking Madonna is hot? I wouldn't fuck her with Glen Beck's dick. Not that I'd get the chance anyway but, you get the point.

Penny said...

I feel so up to date now!!
Twitter...makes me shudder..

Candy's daily Dandy said...

As a make-up professional, I thought it was my duty to properly remove your eye boogers from the corners or your eyes.

Yup, I jacked your celeb gossip gig for a day. Funny, I did it on the same day you were. My bad.

Your eye boogers were way much better than mine anyway. of course:)

and...I'm cracking up at The Imaginary Reviewer's comment. HAHAHAHA!

Scott said...

I haven't listened to that Adam Lambert song yet. I probably should.

Anonymous said...

The thing about Kirstie Alley makes me laugh so hard I pee my pants. Oh Kirstie...

Gifted Typist said...

Imagine getting pissed at one of the funniest guys on the planet - for laughing! Head out of arse, Mr. Rob

words...words...words... said...

I don't care what any of you say, I can't wait to see 2012. Even if I have to sit through that song.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Now I can't stop thinking about Patty and Selma in Playboy. Mrs Kraboble, now THAT I could see.

katrocket said...

I'd like to give John Cusack a slap for some of his recent career moves. But then I'd make sweet love to him just to show there's no hard feelings.


Who Does This Broad Think She Is?

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I am a winsome muse who was sent to Earth to inspire an artist to turn a vacant building into the world's coolest disco roller rink. We fell in love along the way, and I foolishly gave up my immortality. When the disco craze ended and all the roller rinks were shut down, that lazy bum wouldn't get a job. We broke up and I was stuck on Earth with nothing to do and no one to inspire. So, now I write a blog.

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