American Idol 9: The Devil Went Down to Georgia (And She Was Joined By Simon, Randy, and Mary J. Blige)

If you remember nothing else from AI's Atlanta auditions, remember this: Ryan Seacrest grew up there. Back when he used to look like this:


(Insert the dramatic chipmunk music, followed by that fish from The SpongeBob Squarepants Movie screaming, "MY EYES!")

Unfortunately, I didn't black out after seeing that photo, so I did watch the Parade of Nonsense in its entirety.

Before I get to the auditions, I'd like to say that I used to like Mary J. Blige. I think that all changed last night. When she wasn't being annoying, rude, or just plain useless, she seemed to be trying desperately to morph into Wanda Sykes. Some of the facial expressions and the manner of speaking were pretty close, but the most important characteristic—humor—was conspicuously absent.

Day One went a little something like this...

Kicking off the madness was some dude who claimed that one of his relatives discovered Gladys Knight and The Pips, and acted as if that automatically made him talented. He wasn't, but I did love the title of his original song, "Lady, We're Not Together Anymore." Poetic, eh? However, if I didn't know that, I would've thought it was called, "Lay-Tee, It's Over and Over and Over and Over, Lather, Rinse, Repeat."

Curly-haired Kia was next. She covered the theme from Titanic surprisingly well, considering she didn't dramatically punch her chest throughout. She was very peppy, so it wasn't surprising to learn that she had been a Miss America contestant, nor that she ended up winning, as Mary J. Blige said, "Miss Congealiality." So, I guess her talent was making solids out of liquids. It's a good a talent as any, I suppose.

After that pleasant display, three chicks yelled loudly and were all given golden tickets.

Then we met the first VSC of the night: Jermaine, the church singer who takes care of his mom, who has spina bifida. He did a nice version of Joan Osborne's "One of Us," except for all the unnecessary run-filled shouting at the end. Randy said he was the best so far, which is only the 900th time one of the judges has said that in the last two days.

Speaking of Randy, will someone explain numbers to him? I swear, if I have to hear him give one more person a 913 million bajillion percent yes, I'm going to lose my damn mind. Even Homer Simpson knows: "No one can give more than 100 percent. By definition that's the most any one can give."

Some annoying local Atlanta TV host showed up, claiming to have just turned 25. Sure she did. Ten years ago. She got really into a Pat Benatar song, which amused the judges to no end, but she wasn't nearly as bad as they made her out to be. After she was shown the door, Ryan segued into the "dejected losers" montage.

As Day One came to a close, I experienced an Outer Limits moment when I tried to adjust my television set, thinking that the channel had suddenly switched over to an episode of Hee-Haw. Turns out, AI was just giving some Tennessee hick chick and her dirt poor family a shitload of screen time. She didn't got no money no how. She was a'feared she'd never excape her backwoods town. Her mostest prized possession wuz a fo' dolla dress. SWEET JEEBUS.
(I swear I saw this same story on the Lifetime Movie Network at, like, 4 a.m. last Friday. Except the girl looked a lot more like Kellie Martin.) She sang a country song in a very country voice and was very country...but she wasn't really that good. But, shucks, who cares? Why wouldn't they put a girl like that through? A girl who can come out of the audition room with her magical golden ticket, talkin' 'bout how plum excited she are to eat peanuts on an aero-plane, as a Carrie Underwood song dramatically swells in the background? I could actually hear the producers salivating. She's like the perfect mixture of Kellie Pickler and Rose Flack.

Day Two...

The second day of auditions started pretty close to where the previous one ended — with a total hillbilly. This time, it was a dorky guy whose sob story was slightly different. Instead of being dirt poor, this dude was apparently accident prone, as he almost died three times. Of course, we had to endure unfunny Idol re-enactments of the events: nearly taking a richocheted bullet, almost getting run over by a truck, and suffering a serious childhood illness. I'm not sure, but I swear that kid said the illness was "dick fever." Hmm. I never knew there was a cure for that!

Anyway, that whole hillbilly boy segment nearly made me put my foot through the TV screen. The judges were particularly annoying during his audition, especially Kara and Mary. Simon was looking at the kid's info and asked him if he had ever died before, which prompted some of Kara's mock outrage over Simon's "rudeness." So, when the kid started talking about his near-death experiences, she yelled, "OHHHHH, I THOUGHT SIMON WAS SAYING HE LOOKED LIKE HE DIED!" Niiiice. Way to be a bitch, Kara. Then, when the guy froze up at the beginning of his song, Mary J. cracked up and Kara started hugging and rocking her, while patronizingly telling the poor guy that Mary was just "sad." And, if I wasn't already disgusted enough, every time the kid moved (when he left the room, got in the elevator, left the building, etc.), they had to play these stupid "accident" sound effects, as if to say, "Ha ha, maybe this poor bastard will finally succeed in getting himself killed today!" Assholes.

More sad losers followed that sad display.

Holly "The Human 'Geet-Tar'" Hardin came in and actually sang pretty well. But everyone was so concerned about her stupid costume that they were ignoring her voice. (So, ridiculous sob story = not distracting. Silly costume = distracting. Got it.) Mary gave her a "no," but Randy and Kara finally came around. Simon caved after Holly told him he was "gorgeous."

Guitar Girl kicked off the "bunch of weirdos" montage, which featured one of Simon's better disses: " It's like a cat barking. You know, it shouldn't happen."

Mallorie was a fresh-faced, down-home kind of girl with a carefully mussed mane of hair. So, of course she sang "Piece of My Heart." She was good, but nothing spectacular. But Mary J. said that she gave the best vocal (#901) so far. She made it through.

Skii Bo Ski thought he was the butt baby of Sammy Davis, Jr. and Snoop Dogg. He was kind of on my nerves during his whole waiting room monologue, but he actually had a pretty decent voice. Simon didn't like him at all, but everyone else did. They just thought he needed an image makeover. Skii Bo Ski took his golden ticket and then confused the hell out of The Dawg by speaking less intelligibly than he does.

Two painted-up teenagers who looked like they came right from the Miss Jimmy Dean Breakfast Sausage Pageant auditioned together, but sang separately. No one liked the annoying brunette, but the blonde sang a Kelly Clarkson song and got a ticket to Hollywood. Later, annoying brunette tried to act like she was happy for her friend, but it's pretty clear that she probably went psycho after the cameras stopped rolling.

A trio of tone-deaf girls then sang for everyone's amusement. Simon must have had enough, because he had to pop out of the room and missed the next audition.

Zippy the Policeman (another one who claims to be 25, yet looked 40) sang "Superstar" in the style of Ruben Studdard, who sang it in the style of Luther Vandross. Everyone liked his vocals, but Kara made it clear that she didn't find him attractive when she says, "This guy comes in and you think, (rolls eyes) oh, here we go." Way to be a bitch, Kara. Again. (However, it's true that the guy was rather strange looking, hence my nicknaming him "Zippy the Policeman." But, hey, I wouldn't call him that to his face. A commenter at VFTW said he looked like "a can of smashed assholes," which is one of the funniest things I've heard all week.)

Some guy named Lamar won the Best Actor Award by putting on a dramatic scene when the judges refused to applaud his angry, loud rendition of "Kiss From a Rose." Seriously, that whole thing was so contrived. I mean, the guy told the camera man in the waiting room that he was a good listener and was looking forward to the judges' constructive criticism, and then he got in there, sang like a jackass, and then talked over everyone and started dropping F-bombs everywhere. No one will convince me that wasn't an act. Just as I was praying for the guy to leave my screen, he won me over with this: "Who the f**k is Kara? I wish Paula was here." Me too, Lamar. Me too.

The Atlanta auditions (finally!) ended with Larry Platt, an awesome 62-year-old guy who performed his original song, "Pants on the Ground," an ode to annoying hip-hop fashion choices. It was adorable. It sounded like a song my dad would have written.

Next week, it's off to Chicago.