Wednesday, March 31, 2010

American Idol 9: 3/31/10 Results

Wow, April Fool's Day came early. AI is seriously comparing its worst batch of contestants to a bunch of Greek Gods in a laughably dramatic and poorly conceived marketing tie-in with Clash of the Titans. Dear FOX: Release the crackhead (employee who came up with this ridonk intro)!

The pranks keep coming when Ryan introduces Ruben Studdard, but a young Donny Hathaway emerges. No, wait...that really is Ruben! Wow, he's half the man he used to be. I'm not a huge Ruben fan, but this song is pleasant enough. Also, his appearance this early in the show can only mean one thing: NO GROUP SING! Yeee-haw! I love you, Ruben! But not enough to come see you and Clay on your "not-quite-famous-enough-to -be-has-beens" tour.

Unfortunately, the Velvet Teddybear cannot save us from the Ford commercial. This week, the Idol hopefuls drone their way through one of my childhood favorites, "Kung Fu Fighting." I keep hoping Zabka will show up and start sweeping some legs.

Alas, no Zabka, but here's another Clash of the Titans plug! If AI is going to ram this movie down our throats, the least they could do is arrange for Sam Worthington to show up in the studio. Shirtless, of course.

Ryan finally gets down to business and has the mysterious "Kieran" dim the lights. After much jibber jabbering, Lee, Casey and Aaron are all safe. Ryan starts a pointless conversation with the judges about 16-year-old Aaron's lack of experience in the love department. He wants to know what love is, and he wants the judges to show him. Kara (pot) tries to make a lame joke about Simon (kettle) being in love with himself after Ryan pretty much already covered that. No one gives Aaron any sage advice. Instead, Ellen just stares blankly as Randy offers that romantic love is just like the love Aaron feels for his parents, but just "twisted." I can actually feel myself getting dumber as this show drags on.

Siobhan and Katie stand. One of them is in the Bottom 3 and it's...Katie. Arrrgh. Already my predictions are off. The good news is that if Katie gets named to the Bottom 3 one more time, she gets to take one of those uncomfortable stools home.

Ryan gets all up in Cowell's grill for supposedly "gloating" that Katie is in the B3 because she didn't follow his advice and go country. Simon tells Ryan to stop being annoying. Ryan doesn't take Simon's advice either. Instead, he spots Justin Bieber in the audience and tries to go sit on his lap.

Usher (with a little help from performs his new song, "OMG," which, as far as I can tell, is about shawties with nice boobies and booties. The lyrics to this read like a 14-year-old's Twitter stream. OMG, indeed.

Back to the results. Didi is in the Bottom 3. Yay, got one right.

Michael is safe, which surprises no one. Still, Ryan tries to fake the big guy out, which nearly gets him body slammed. Oh, how I wish Big Mike would've done it. I would've voted for him every week if he had.

Another very un-shocking turn of events: Dreadsocks™ is safe.

The last two standing are Tim and Andrew. When Ryan asks Kara about Tim's perma-grin, she goes into full-on condescending bitch mode and suggests that Tim doesn't understand what the judges are saying. Tim's response—essentially that he appreciates this opportunity and just wants to enjoy his time onstage—is a good one that Kara clearly doesn't understand. Tim really should've responded with the obvious: who the hell ever understands what the judges are saying?

After all the stalling, Tim is named the final member of the Bottom 3. Then Katie is sent back to safety, as she always is.

Tim and Didi will have to wait to learn their fates, as Pee Diddly is taking the stage to debut his new single, "Hello Good Morning." I am about to change the channel when morbid curiosity overtakes me. Wow, lots of fog, bright lights and white outfits here. If this is what Heaven is like, I really hope I'm going to hell. The song and dance routine is nothing special, but Diddy is surprisingly nice and gracious afterward. And he didn't threaten to smack flames out of anyone's ass.

Finally, Ryan gets to the point and reveals that Didi is the one on the chopping block. Dammit!! Don't get me wrong. I don't like her one bit but, as I think I mentioned before, she's in my Idol pool Top 5. Seacrest reminds everyone that the judges could choose to save Didi, but there is no way they would ever use the save this early in the game unless it was for Crystal, Lee or Michael...and possibly Siobhan or Casey. Didi sings "Rhiannon," her best-reviewed performance, and actually sounds much better than she did the first time. The judges fake-deliberate just to tell Didi that they're not saving her. The farewell package starts at 10:01 and the show ends right on time at 10:03.

Next week, AI shreds the Lennon/McCartney songbook. Joy.

Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksaLot.


angelof_mercy81 said...

The Lennon/McCartney songbook again? Hasn't Idol inflicted enough damage on it already?

jolie said...

musher's & doodly's "performances" were alarming. did they hire those women off a downtown street corner?

Cora said...


I remember the days when I cared who got voted off. This year? Nope. So sad.

words...words...words... said...

I'm a little sad that Didi is gone, but only because she looks like Ally Walker and you won't show her picture anymore.

carissa said...

I'm really surprised Didi's the one who went. I didn't watch but I may watch the recording just to see Ursher. And now im curious about Ruben!

Zeitgeisty said...

Is it just me, or does Tim look eerily like Kristy McNichol in that photo?

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I like that pic of the shaggy hair guy holding Medusa's head! I was totally with Randy when he said that his vocal on that Anita Baker song, Sweet Love (which kicks ass by the way - I need to download that mutha) was flat, but at least he was finally in key!


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