Wednesday, April 14, 2010

American Idol 9: 4/14/10 Results

AND NOW FOR THE RESULTS THAT WILL CAUSE THE OCEANS TO BOIL AND THE SUN TO EXPLODE!

Eegads. These intros get worse every week. They make Michael Bay movies look subtle and understated.

Of course, the intros are much more tolerable than the group sings lip-syncs. This Elvis medley is probably the worst one ever. For his sake, I hope Elvis really is dead. If he's still alive...well, he's probably not watching this show. He's eating a fried peanut butter-covered leg of lamb while being serviced by two non-English speaking young girls. So, either way, no sweat off The King's back.

I'd like to thank the Idulls for savagely butchering two of my absolute favorite Elvis songs: "Burning Love" and "Teddy Bear." Well, I guess it's not entirely their fault. Whoever came up with this Brady Bunchitized arrangement needs to be tied down to a chair and forced to stare at that naked picture of Kara DioGuardi for three days straight. (Click at your own risk. Seriously, I thought it was a scene from an upcoming C.S.I. episode. I can't imagine the photographer's direction was, "Stick your ribcage way out and act like you're trying to prevent yourself from having a seizure." If you did click, here's naked CZJ to help you forget.) They also threw "Return to Sender" and "Viva Las Vegas" in there, because ruining two songs just wasn't good enough.

I have to say, I like Siobhan and have since the beginning, but I think I'm becoming less fond of her. First there was her pouty little meltdown a few weeks ago, then her camera faces started to become more and more annoying, and now...why in the hell is she so into these group numbers? Either she is really enjoying this or she is the best actress in the world, and should think about switching careers. Everyone else is just trying to not choke on their dignity and get through this damn thing, and she's out there having a groovy old time. I keep waiting for her to yell "Sock it to me!" and wink into the camera at the end.

Ford commercial. Once again, the memory has been suppressed.

Since there's only an hour tonight (thank God), Ryan can't waste as much time as usual. We're gonna get one cast-off right now! Casey, Aaron and Andrew are all asked to walk out to center stage. Ryan blathers away for a bit before letting Andrew know that the time for his long-overdue ouster is now. Cut to Lee looking devastated. Andrew sings that James Morrison song one more time, and it's actually decent enough to make me NOT want to kick him in the nads.

Seacrest reminds us that next week is Idol Gives Back and shows a clip of Kara's recent trip to Africa with Elliott Yamin.

Brooke White returns to the Idol stage to perform the Elvis tune, "If I Can Dream." She is joined by Justin Gaston, Miley Cyrus's one-time statutory rapist, occasional underwear model, former Nashville Star contestant, and current If I Can Dream cast member. And judging from this performance, we can add "talentless himbo" and "horrible Elvis impersonator" to his impressive résumé.

Back to the results. The remaining six contestants rise and go to center stage. Ryan reminds us what the judges said last night, then sends Crystal, Siobhan and Lee to safety, in that order. Tim, Michael and Katie are left on the chopping block.

Whoa, did AI run over its scheduled time? The theater's now being used for a Laser Floyd Pink show. Oh, wait...it's just Adam Lambert. Apparently, his fans' answer to his musical question, "Whataya Want From Me" was a resounding "nearly impenetrable fog and a shit-ton of lasers." Well, no one can accuse Madam of not giving the people what they want. (Except for that time when he, unasked, gave the people a bunch of simulated S&M and BJ action.) It's a little hard to see Glambert through the haze sometimes, but he gives a pretty good performance. I really dislike his album, but this song is catchy as hell. It might be the only one I genuinely like.

I was just thinking how fun it would be if Adam just took a break from music and joined the cast of Glee as Sue Sylvester's right-hand man or something. And thinking of Glee has me thinking about my new obsession: Jonathan Groff. And now instead of taking notes on AI, I'm doodling puppies and hearts and rainbows, and puppies sliding down a rainbow into a big fluffy pile of heart-shaped pillows. Damn, that one's getting taped up on the refrigerator.

Ryan snaps me out of all of this by announcing that Tim is safe! He is invincible!!

It comes down to Mike and Katie, and it's no surprise that Katie is the one sent packing. I actually feel a little bad for her, but she's young and pretty, so I'm sure she'll be OK.

Again, what is up with Siobhan? They keep cutting to her sad face after Katie's elimination, and I swear she's been replaced with Cruella de Ville.

Next week: Idol Gives Back. Inspirational songs. Contestants, remember what I say every year. "GREATEST LOVE OF ALL" WILL NOT BE TOLERATED.

11 comments:

Ian said...

Won't it be hilarious when Tim wins the whole thing?

Scope said...

Damn. So no Katie singing "You Light Up My Life" next week then?

Yeah, let that image roll around in your brain pan for a second.

You're welcome.

Fancy Schmancy said...

Connecticut had a small meltdown when Katie was sent home last night, but we recovered when she tearfully mutilated her final song.

J. Hi said...

I got more of a Bride of Frankensteing vibe from Siobhan. Ha!

Inspirational songs? I am already retching.

Scope said...

Would Prince's "Darling Nikki" or "Bad Touch" by the Bloodhound Gang be considered, "inspirational"?

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Oh no!

I had a sex dream about Andrew last night. No kidding.

That's just freaking weird and gross too...I'm loosing it.

Soda and Candy said...

I want to see that drawing of puppies. Looking at it for one hour will be more enjoyable than watching Idol!

words...words...words... said...

"Burning Love" is my favorite Elvis song. Damn them.

Also, I hate myself for not hating that naked picture of Kara.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

They completely picked the two people that I thought needed to go based on their final performances. Nice kids, but they had to go.

Penny said...

What a train wreck! Glad to see the youngin' go.
I will be skipping idol gives back. I can't deal with this.

Andy said...

I have to say, Madam's performance was great. It made me want to buy a bunch of lasers and have them shine on me while I walk around my apartment.

 

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