American Idol 9: 4/28/10 Results

As the American Idol results show opens, we can tell it's going to be a weird night. It seems that a senile old bat has taken over the control room and just keeps yelling, "Zoom! Zoom in! ZOOM!"

ZOOM. That's it! I knew those group sings reminded me of something. If only the contestants had been in rugby shirts all this time.

Happily, the overbooking of musical guests (none of whom are this week's mentor, Shania Twain) tonight means that there is no group sing! Hey, I know a line dance to Shania's "Love Gets Me Every Time" that I could have taught this group of neo-maxi zoom dweebies, but no one asked. I guess my reputation as a choreographer doesn't precede me.

Performing first tonight is Rascal Flatts. Joy. Fat Lance Bass sings through his nose as always. I'm sure Chrustin Richardslake™ will record this and use it later as a Cable in the Classroom-type tool at his School of Nasally Singing.

Now we go behind the scenes of the latest Ford commercial to watch the kids get turned into vampires. Well, everyone but Michael, who is portraying the vamps' victim. As Crystal explains, "We're gonna go eat Mike. There's plenty to go around." Now, now, Crystal. I know you're joking but if next week's commercial has a cave theme, don't be surprised if Mike makes a joke about those stalactites in your mouth.

Time for some Shrek Forever After pimpage. Just because it doesn't come out until mid-May, there's no reason that FOX shouldn't help drive every American parent insane by getting their kids all juiced up about its impending premiere.

Suddenly, there are six random people sitting onstage. Ohhh, yeah that's right. Those are the remaining contestants! Duh! I totally forgot the point of this time suck was to give the results of last night's voting.

Ryan lumps everyone into three groups of two: Siobhan and Lee, Aaron and Crystal, and Michael and Casey. I figure if one from each group makes up the Bottom 3, I have a pretty good shot of going 2/3 with my predictions. But no. Ryan walks Siobhan over towards the couches, stops her at Michael and Casey's group and says they are the Bottom 3. Way to go, me. 1/3. I suck.

Carrie Underwood shows up to introduce Sons of Sylvia, a trio of dudes who look more like Sons of Charlie Sexton. Hmm. I'm enjoying this. The song is a little repetitive, but I likey. WAIT. Are these the same guys who performed on AI a couple of seasons ago, much to my immediate dislike??

*quick Google search*

Well, my my, yes they are! I can't believe it. Before, they were known as The Clark Brothers and I guess they changed their name so people wouldn't remember that they used to be terrible. Here's what I said about their last AI appearance:

After Michael, Carly and David Archuleta were put through to the Top 8, The Hillbilly Brothers performed. I don't remember their real name, and I certainly don't care to know it. They were basically a trio of tuneless, chubby Deliverance extras. Apparently, they won the unsuccessful AI spinoff, The Next Great American Band. So, they're it, eh? Well, that clinches it. I'm moving to Australia. And I'm taking Mr. Johns with me.

Kinda harsh, eh? Well, I'm glad to see that this whole music thing is working out for them now. Sadly, it never did work out with Michael Johns and I. Apparently, he was already married. Ridiculous, isn't it?? Ah, remember how much I used to love that guy? The ol' recaps just aren't quite the same without that level of obsession.

Oh good, Lady Antebellum is here to sing "Need You Now." Thank God, because I haven't heard it in at least 45 minutes. I amuse myself during this segment by imagining Lady Gaga flying in on a jetpack to save the day. (Save the day=burn down the studio with said jetpack. And then autographing and giving that jetpack to me. Because, come on, it's 2010 and we should all have one by now. I will never stop being disappointed at our jetpackless existence.)

Rascal Flatts returns with Shakira in tow because, when you think of country music, you immediately think SHAKIRA. The Colombian hottie jams a glob of peanut butter down her throat and sings something about being a gypsy. I'll stick with Stevie Nicks, thanks. Unless she's willing to put curses on Lady Antebellum and Rascal Flatts and drag them both to hell.

I think I need to clarify something. I actually like country music. All this griping might make it seem like I don't, but I just don't consider some of these country artists really country. I don't have a problem with artists with crossover appeal, but there are too damn many of them now. I think a lot of these newer acts are just afraid they won't make it in the fickle pop world, so they go for the loyal country audience.

But anyway...back to the results!

Michael is safe. Siobhan is out. That's right. SIOBHAN. I think my score in the Idol pool is now a negative number, if that's possible.

I had long ago picked Siobhan to win the whole thing, but I understand why she might have been voted out. The whole screaming thing got to be a bit much and she never did seem fully in control of her voice. I still don't think it was the right decision though, and I'm not sure America actually made it. (Do you smell another conspiracy theory?) Clearly, TPTB want Crystal to win this thing, but the front-runner often has a habit of losing. So maybe they're trying to clear the path by taking out the only other female? Who knows. All that really happened tonight was that this season just became exponentially more dull. As Simon might say, it's as if someone (TPTB, the voters, maybe a mix of both) sucked...the life right out of the show. Whatever life was left, anyway.

Hey, but don't let this season's boredom keep you from entering the CafePress contest to win two tickets to the Crystal/Lee finale! Of course, it's possible that, even with Siobhan out of the way, Crystal will still Melinda Doolittle out on us and it will be a Lee/Aaron finale. That matchup would be kind of like the Battle of the Two Davids, but with 40% less charisma, 50% less talent, and 100% less gasping.


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