Wednesday, April 28, 2010

American Idol 9: 4/28/10 Results

As the American Idol results show opens, we can tell it's going to be a weird night. It seems that a senile old bat has taken over the control room and just keeps yelling, "Zoom! Zoom in! ZOOM!"

ZOOM. That's it! I knew those group sings reminded me of something. If only the contestants had been in rugby shirts all this time.

Happily, the overbooking of musical guests (none of whom are this week's mentor, Shania Twain) tonight means that there is no group sing! Hey, I know a line dance to Shania's "Love Gets Me Every Time" that I could have taught this group of neo-maxi zoom dweebies, but no one asked. I guess my reputation as a choreographer doesn't precede me.

Performing first tonight is Rascal Flatts. Joy. Fat Lance Bass sings through his nose as always. I'm sure Chrustin Richardslake™ will record this and use it later as a Cable in the Classroom-type tool at his School of Nasally Singing.

Now we go behind the scenes of the latest Ford commercial to watch the kids get turned into vampires. Well, everyone but Michael, who is portraying the vamps' victim. As Crystal explains, "We're gonna go eat Mike. There's plenty to go around." Now, now, Crystal. I know you're joking but if next week's commercial has a cave theme, don't be surprised if Mike makes a joke about those stalactites in your mouth.

Time for some Shrek Forever After pimpage. Just because it doesn't come out until mid-May, there's no reason that FOX shouldn't help drive every American parent insane by getting their kids all juiced up about its impending premiere.

Suddenly, there are six random people sitting onstage. Ohhh, yeah that's right. Those are the remaining contestants! Duh! I totally forgot the point of this time suck was to give the results of last night's voting.

Ryan lumps everyone into three groups of two: Siobhan and Lee, Aaron and Crystal, and Michael and Casey. I figure if one from each group makes up the Bottom 3, I have a pretty good shot of going 2/3 with my predictions. But no. Ryan walks Siobhan over towards the couches, stops her at Michael and Casey's group and says they are the Bottom 3. Way to go, me. 1/3. I suck.

Carrie Underwood shows up to introduce Sons of Sylvia, a trio of dudes who look more like Sons of Charlie Sexton. Hmm. I'm enjoying this. The song is a little repetitive, but I likey. WAIT. Are these the same guys who performed on AI a couple of seasons ago, much to my immediate dislike??

*quick Google search*

Well, my my, yes they are! I can't believe it. Before, they were known as The Clark Brothers and I guess they changed their name so people wouldn't remember that they used to be terrible. Here's what I said about their last AI appearance:

After Michael, Carly and David Archuleta were put through to the Top 8, The Hillbilly Brothers performed. I don't remember their real name, and I certainly don't care to know it. They were basically a trio of tuneless, chubby Deliverance extras. Apparently, they won the unsuccessful AI spinoff, The Next Great American Band. So, they're it, eh? Well, that clinches it. I'm moving to Australia. And I'm taking Mr. Johns with me.
Kinda harsh, eh? Well, I'm glad to see that this whole music thing is working out for them now. Sadly, it never did work out with Michael Johns and I. Apparently, he was already married. Ridiculous, isn't it?? Ah, remember how much I used to love that guy? The ol' recaps just aren't quite the same without that level of obsession.

Oh good, Lady Antebellum is here to sing "Need You Now." Thank God, because I haven't heard it in at least 45 minutes. I amuse myself during this segment by imagining Lady Gaga flying in on a jetpack to save the day. (Save the day=burn down the studio with said jetpack. And then autographing and giving that jetpack to me. Because, come on, it's 2010 and we should all have one by now. I will never stop being disappointed at our jetpackless existence.)

Rascal Flatts returns with Shakira in tow because, when you think of country music, you immediately think SHAKIRA. The Colombian hottie jams a glob of peanut butter down her throat and sings something about being a gypsy. I'll stick with Stevie Nicks, thanks. Unless she's willing to put curses on Lady Antebellum and Rascal Flatts and drag them both to hell.

I think I need to clarify something. I actually like country music. All this griping might make it seem like I don't, but I just don't consider some of these country artists really country. I don't have a problem with artists with crossover appeal, but there are too damn many of them now. I think a lot of these newer acts are just afraid they won't make it in the fickle pop world, so they go for the loyal country audience.

But anyway...back to the results!

Michael is safe. Siobhan is out. That's right. SIOBHAN. I think my score in the Idol pool is now a negative number, if that's possible.

I had long ago picked Siobhan to win the whole thing, but I understand why she might have been voted out. The whole screaming thing got to be a bit much and she never did seem fully in control of her voice. I still don't think it was the right decision though, and I'm not sure America actually made it. (Do you smell another conspiracy theory?) Clearly, TPTB want Crystal to win this thing, but the front-runner often has a habit of losing. So maybe they're trying to clear the path by taking out the only other female? Who knows. All that really happened tonight was that this season just became exponentially more dull. As Simon might say, it's as if someone (TPTB, the voters, maybe a mix of both) sucked...the life right out of the show. Whatever life was left, anyway.

Hey, but don't let this season's boredom keep you from entering the CafePress contest to win two tickets to the Crystal/Lee finale! Of course, it's possible that, even with Siobhan out of the way, Crystal will still Melinda Doolittle out on us and it will be a Lee/Aaron finale. That matchup would be kind of like the Battle of the Two Davids, but with 40% less charisma, 50% less talent, and 100% less gasping.

Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksaLot.


Ed said...

Beck, I threw up after those results. What a freaking waste of a save. But who knows. They were ready to throw her under the bus anyway. They might not have used it. Anyone who thinks any of the guys left is in Siobhan's league I have some chaep land in the middle of the Atlantic I can get you a great deal on.

Coaster Punchman said...

Your first mistake was to open with a link to the old "Zoom" show. I didn't even know you were old enough to remember that show - but I guess it might even still be on the air? I was of the Bernadette-with-the-weird-arm thing - did you know her?

Oh, but you're talking about AI. OK - this is the first year I simply have not watched. Mainly because I'm taking a class on Tuesday nights and I'm too lazy to set my DVR. But the real reason is that the one time I did watch for a few minutes I could not have been more underwhelmed.

And just last night I watched a recording of the recap (only because they went over a few minutes which screwed up my recording of GLEE) - and every single person on the recap sounded like sh*t. You know, like human excrement.

And why does Ellen look like she's been in a concentration camp? God I hope she's not sick or I'm going to sound like the world's biggest asshole. (Like I'm not already.) She used to be so pretty. I hope that Portia de Bossy or whatever her name is is not being mean to my Ellen.

Kristi Mantoni said...

I'm not sure about Mark but Pasha is in for this season! Nigel tweeted everyone but I've since forgotten everyone but Pasha for some reason. I'm not sure why in the world I would do that.

I think Casey or Big Mike will go next week. Followed by Big Mike or Casey the following week. That leaves Aaron, Lee and Crystal with trips home before the big Lee/Crystal final.

Lady Gaga is in two weeks!!!!!

Mathdude said...

You couldn't be more wrong on your assessment of the Clark Brothers, but your slamming them was so funny that I forgive you. You are indeed in last place in the Idol Pool, tied though. And to think I touted you as such an expert in the beginning. Of course, I can't brag too much. I've only gone 2/8 on correctly predicting who's going home.

SkylersDad said...

Am I really as screwed up as I think I am for enjoying the Shakira/Rascal Flatts duet? Is there any hope for me?

CDP said...

For the first time ever, I haven't seen even one moment of AI this year. I usually try to watch it starting in mid-April or so. So let me know what happens, OK?

cube said...

I had my in-laws visiting from Cape Cod on Wednesday night... do the math... Siobhan fans. I got an earful about her all day and, frankly, was curious by showtime.
Anyway, I thought she was better than the long haired dude! Seriously, this is why I don't watch this stupid show any more.

words...words...words... said...

I remember really liking the Clark Brothers on that Next Great American Band show. But not as much as the Beatles-ish mods. They were great.

Blanche said...

I'm still not over them ousting Alex Lambert. Idiots

Penny said...

What a creep she was..I'm kinda glad she's gone..although I admit, I can't watch it any more this season. You are a goddess for keeping me up to date :)


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