Tuesday, May 18, 2010

American Idol 9: The Top 3 Are More Than Famous. They're IN-famous.

Here are your Final 3—the contestants who stood out among this season's plethora of bad singers. (Oh yes. It was a plethora.) If only the Singing Bush were around, this home stretch would be much more exciting.

Well, let's get on with this installment of America's Got Some Marginal Talent. Jonathan Groff is returning to Glee tonight and, oh, look who he bumped into in the hallway? Neil Patrick Muthahumpin' Harris! With all that excitement, I can't pretend to care too much about this little dog and pony show.

Each of the Top 3 is singing twice tonight—a personal choice and a judges' pick.

If you didn't already know that TPTB want a Crystal/Lee Finale, Casey James being shoved into the leadoff spot of doom should clue you in. His personal choice is Eric Hutchinson's "OK, It's Alright With Me," a song that I didn't immediately recognize by artist or title, but I'm sure I've heard this before. Probably in the supermarket or something. Randy and I make the inevitable, "OK, it's just aight" joke because, well, I don't think a song title has ever more aptly described a performance. It's typical Casey stuff: pleasant enough, but nothing special. The judges all kind of shit on Casey because being nice to him certainly wouldn't help their Crystal/Lee Finale plans.

Dreadsocks™ picks probably the safest and most predictable song possible, Melissa Etheridge's "Come To My Window." I can't figure out if Crystal is throwing the game or if she's genuinely just having an off night, because this is also "just aight." The judges give a thumbs down to the clunky arrangement, but all praise Crystal's vocals. Simon likes that Crystal has never compromised who she is as an artist throughout the competition. (Oh, I'm pretty sure she cried herself to sleep every night thinking about all those Ford commercials and group sings.) Kara hopes Crystal has a "moment" later, so that she can say "moment" again.

Wow, Lee Dead Eyes is in the pimp spot. Not a shock. What is shocking is that it's taken me all season to finally come up with a nickname for him. I mean, it's perfect. How did I not see it before? I liked this guy earlier in the game, but since they started to let him talk, I just can't take him. When I, like, uh, listen to him, like, try to spit out, uh, a sentence, I can't stop thinking of other more interesting things I'd rather be doing. Like watching C-SPAN. Or studying the Dewey decimal system. Or counting my eyebrow hairs. Seriously, I'd like to kick Lee in the nuts. Not necessarily because I want to hurt him, but just because I'd like to see if he'd actually react. Anyway...he's singing Lynryd Skynryd's "Simple Man," aka the "Turn on your local classic rock station right now and it'll probably be on" song. When Lee is finished, the tongue bath commences. Ellen says that Lee morphed from a lamb into a gazelle. (I thought Casey was the lamb?) Kara awards Round 1 to Lee, knowing full well that it's Simon's job to do that.

Casey is back up again with KaRandy's pick, "Daughters." Oooh, a slow, boring John Mayer song. That is the flashing neon "WE DON'T WANT YOU IN THE FINALE" sign, in case you weren't sure. As is usually the case, Casey sounds just fine and his guitar playing is nice, but the performance doesn't stand out at all. However, KaRandy refuses to admit that it saddled Casey with an awful song, and applaud him for showing his "artistic side." The best part of all of this is Simon laughing while Kara is talking, and then totally dissing her song choice. When he suggests that it will be partially her fault if Casey doesn't make it to the Finale, Kara shifts into bitch overdrive. It's a very smooth transition.

Ellen's choice for Dreadsocks is Paul McCartney's "Maybe I'm Amazed." Crystal shows up sans guitar and doesn't do the annoying gender switch with the lyrics. Maybe she's a man, baby! She isn't afraid to sing the song the way it's written, and I like that. This is much better than her first song, but her voice still sounds a bit strained in parts. Still, the judges love it, with Kara saying that Crystal showed us "parts of her voice we haven't heard."

Dead Eyes closes the night out with Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah." I learned recently from VFTW that Simon Cowell actually owns the rights to this song, so expect it to eventually surpass "Against All Odds" as the most overdone Idol song ever. (It's already pretty close.) Lee gets all the help he possibly can here, from the dramatic camera angles to the fancy lighting to the string section to the gospel choir backing him up and practically doing all the singing for him. For the Dawg, this is Lee's biggest moment. Ellen is simply stunned. Kara thinks Lee is what this show is all about. Simon is very proud (and very rich). Everyone is amazed that Lee used to be a lowly paint store clerk. Apparently, working in a paint store is akin to working in a sweat shop, or being homeless, or being a blind leper who can't read. Remember, kids: stay in school and stay off drugs or you might end up working in a paint store one day.

Seacrest, realizing that he might have a minute to burn asks Lee a question and lets ol' Dead Eyes stammer on for what feels like three lifetimes. God, I wish I was in a paint store now...just watching it all dry. That sounds heavenly.

Clearly, Lee is walking away with this thing. But is the Crystal/Lee Finale really inevitable? VFTW is really behind Casey, and I think Crystal wants out. Normally, I'd think that Crystal would be eliminated in the "big shocker," but she's so much the glue that's been holding this horrible season together that, if she were to go home, I'm not sure if anyone would tune in for the Finale. So, I'm gonna make the obvious prediction that Casey is going home.

I think the only way that Dreads can beat Dead Eyes at this point is if she sings my as-yet-unproduced Idol single next week. I give her full permission to do so. But I better get a portion of the iTunes sales.

Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksaLot.


Ian said...

When did the Singing Bush die? I thought they only killed the invisible swordsman! I'd like to believe that thing is still around, sputtering out every random tune that pops into its leaves.

Dave said...

I don't think Crystal is throwing the towel in, although it would make sense (for her) if she doens't win and have to shill for 19E/Fremantle for the rest of her life. I think she may be sandbagging and is taking her foot off the gas so next week she will absolutely wipe the floor with Lee (which she has done about 11 times already this year).

If the votes really do count, I would love to see a Casey/Crystal finale just to frustrate TPTB.

Scope said...

My predictions: Casey will die like [a] dog. No he shall fight. Fight like [a] lion.

If I weren't engaged, I would kiss you on the veranda.

BeckEye said...

Ian - He didn't. I was rushing to write this so I could go to bed. I meant to write "around" and wrote "alive" instead. Good eye! It's fixed now. I pity th' fool who would kill the singing bush.

Dave - It would be so easy for her to wipe the floor with him, which is why it seemed odd that she didn't do so last night.

Scope - Lips would be fine.

Lady Chardonnay said...

"Kara shifts into bitch overdrive. It's a very smooth transition."


Candy's daily Dandy said...

I thought the "Halleluja" perfomance by Lee was completely REDONK...
I think they ruined it with the gospel singers, it was great without them and you could smell the iTunes profits like burnt toast.

I kept saying..it's so obvious they are pimping him for the win because they are HUNGRY for an artist they can market/ruin.
It's now become a joke.

If Lee doesn't win, I'll be SHOCKED

Heff said...

Heff's Prediction : LEE GOES HOME.

"Adam Lambert syndrome".

Let the one go home that has the best chance of making it on their own.

A Casey James/Crystal Devourcocks fight to the finish !

Billy said...

"Excuse me. Are you the singing bush?" That movie, while far from perfect, has far too many great lines. I loves it.

Does that make the judges the equivalent of the Ghostbusters, with Ellen coming in as the fourth Ghostbuster, the AI version of Winston Zeddmore? And Ryan Seacrest would be AI's version of the nerdy Annie Potts secretary character.


I'm totally gonna retire on this idea.


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