Thursday, May 13, 2010

Eye Boogers

Like the goop that's always accumulating in the corners of our eyes, the following items are curiously fascinating:

Why Do Screenwriters Even Continue To Get Out Of Bed In The Morning? - Sony is planning to release a live-action/CGI hybrid movie based on the computer game Rollercoaster Tycoon. Gee, I can't wait for James Cameron's IMAX 3D Chutes and Ladders.

The Kim Kardashian/Big Fat Greek Diet - The National Enquirer is reporting that Kim Kardashian told Ryan Seacrest that her super secret diet trick is that she sprays Windex on her food so she won't eat it. I know the Enquirer is a rag but I totally believe this. There's no limit to what I will believe about celebutards. Since I'm trying to drop some weight, I thought about trying this diet out, but it can only end with me in the ER having my stomach pumped. Because a Windex Burger is still gonna look pretty damn good to me. As a matter of fact, I think I've had one at Applebee's before.

Perhaps They Should Lower The Minimum American Idol Contestant Age To 12 - The newest Internet sensation is Greyson Chance (whose parents are obviously big soap opera fans), the sixth grader whose cover of Lady Gaga's "Paparazzi" has been viewed over 9 million times on YouTube. I'm assuming you've all seen him by now. If you haven't, click that link immediately. The kid is mad talented. (And those disaffected, dead-eyed girls in the lower right of the screen need a couple of good old fashioned swirlies.) When he appeared on Ellen today, dear Ms. Gaga called in to give him some love, as well as some advice: pianos before hos. Or something like that.

Billy Ray Cyrus Continues To Be Father Of The Decade - I'm sure you've all heard about and/or seen the mess that is 17-year-old Miley Cyrus giving a lapdance to 44-year-old Adam Shankman. We all know that Adam is gay, so nothing "came up" during that dance. One crisis averted. But that's not really the issue. One problem is that Miley was putting on her little show while younger kids were around. And all of her fans are young and want to be like her. The other problem is that Miley is continuing down the path to hookerdom, which doesn't seem to faze her parents. When TMZ asked Papa Billy Ray about the lapdance, he said, "It's what people her age do." Well, sure. People her age sometimes shoot up schools, too. That doesn't mean that it's ideal behavior.

Newsweek's Ramin Setoodeh Doesn't Know How Acting Works - Sometimes I wonder how I'm not making a living writing stupid shit like this, when guys like Mr. Setoodeh, who will probably never see a cube farm again, get paid for their idiotic ramblings. This particular rambling was all about how most gay male actors can't convincingly play straight roles because, ZOMG we all know they're gay for realsies, duhhhh! The article by Setoodeh, himself a gay man, has already famously pissed off GLAAD, Kristen Chenowith and Glee creator Ryan Murphy, and now it's not-so-famously pissed me off, mainly for its description of Jonathan Groff's portrayal of Glee's Jesse St. James as an "average theater queen." Bastard! OK, so yes, I'm well aware that Jonathan is a gay boy in real life. A lovely, heavenly gay boy. But that doesn't mean that I can't buy him as a straight dude on a TV show. And it certainly doesn't prevent me from imagining a world in which he's straight and we make love in the clouds and then run away to live among the puppies and baby seals on Happy Magic Rainbow Island. In a candy house. All right, so maybe that sounds a little gay. As long as "gay" means "awesome." And I'm pretty sure it does.


Scope said...

When they have mined the comic world down to "The Powerpack Movie" that is when Hollywood should hang it all up.

And don't Windex your food. Use Sparkle. It looks like grape juice. ;-)

carissajaded said...

Ummm seriously! Gay actors are the ones I fall in love with the easiest... in their straight roles! I think they are more convincing as attractive straight boys than straight boys are themselves!

J.J. said...

David Hyde Pierce played Niles on 'Frasier'. He had a massive crush on Daphne on the show. The fact that he pulled it off without anyone realizing he was gay til well after the show went off the air shows what a great actor he is.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

To answer your speculation as to why screenwriters bother to get up in the morning, I believe the correct answer is to keep those seats in Starbucks warm for us, Alex.

Heff said...

I don't know about you, but here's hoping ONE DAY, Kardashian screws the pooch and accidentally eats the ammonia laced meal.

Her ass will be missed....

SkylersDad said...

Wait, Miley is 17? Hasn't she been around for about 2 decades already?

Angell said...

Glad to see that you didn't disappoint on the Newsweek commentary. As soon as I read his critique of JGroff, I knew you'd be at him.

As for screenwriters - I think they are actually having underground meetings of a secret society planning on blowing up the interwebz so that they can have their jobs back.

Cora said...

I love the smell of Windex, so I don't think that diet would work on me either.

Kristi Mantoni said...

How is it that I'm only hearing about the fabulous Greyson Chance now?!?! OMG! That was awesome! He would so win American Idol. And who the HELL does Ramin think he is? Actors act that's why they're called actors. What a dip shit!

words...words...words... said...

If you think Rollercoaster Tycoon is bad, Michael Bay is prepping a movie based on the game Battleship. Supposedly it's about aliens attacking the Navy. I am not making this up. At all. I can't wait to see a somber yet determined Ben Affleck on the bridge yelling "You sunk my battleship!!"

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Oooh that thing by that hack Newsweek dude made me so angry I almost cancelled my subscription. I've always thought he was a weenis and even when he was just doing blurb-y, one paragraph interviews he still came off like an asshat that I was dumbfounded that they had a by line. Now he has entire articles? He must be blowing an editor. Several. I hope they dump him soon.

Better to listen to the Fresh Air interview with Sean Hayes it made me all happy inside again.

Cormac Brown said...


Wasn't this the same magazine that claimed that Jennifer Aniston was on a baby food diet?

She's probably one of those rare celebs that actually use their own products, downing that diet speed that they are always advertising on E!


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