Sunday, August 01, 2010

Ding Dong, The Bitch Is Back and The Witch Is Dead

Just like a good case of the herp, I've returned!

And what, you may ask, could pull me out of my mini-blogger retirement? Outrage over Li-Lo's lack of a proper prison cot pillow? No. Chelsea Clinton's wedding? Get serious. Speidi's on-again off-again staged divorce? What the eff ever.

Well then, it must be all of the shake-ups going on over at American Idol, right? Correct!

But more specifically, it's the chance to point at laugh at America's Most Hated Know-Nothing Harpy, Kara DioGuardi!

Apparently, Kara was "blindsided" by her recent firing and is "horrified" that she's been "tossed away" like some kind of garbage. Or like someone who writes garbage.

*insert Nelson Muntz laugh here*

Really? Blindsided? Kara, did you not realize that everyone who watches the show has been calling for your removal since day one? Have you never watched yourself on TV? Do people actually tell you that you're likable? Well, don't worry, sweetie. I'm sure there are plenty of other opportunities for you out there. Judging's just not your thing. Maybe you could get a job at—what's the name of that place? Studio 57?


Filling the awfully big shoes of Lord Cowell is going to be Steven Tyler, whose career I haven't bothered to try to understand ever since he sang that love song to an asteroid. So, beyond the whole issue of her suckage, it only made sense for AI to dump Kara just as they're bringing on Steven. I mean, it would be a little awkward to have him and Kara at the same table, considering that she doesn't know the difference between early and latter-day Aerosmith songs.

Luckily, there will be no replacement for Kara, as Idol is going back to its original three-judge format. Ellen DeGeneres, who just joined last season, supposedly quit because the show wasn't "the right fit" for her. Which probably means that she got canned too, but the producers let her say she left on her own because she's so nice.

Filling the Ellen/Paula slot is a rather big name: Jennifer Lopez. I'm not really a J.Lo fan and don't think she' s any more qualified than Paula was to dish out singing advice, but she was rather charming (acting!) during her stint as a mentor in Season 6. However, getting Jen as a judge isn't a completely done deal, as it's recently been reported that she's already being a diva and trying to squeeze more "perks" out of FOX. If it all falls apart, maybe they could get Katy Perry? And if that's a no-go, I'm still available.

Surviving the firings is lone original judge, Randy Jackson, because...why? I guess AI just wouldn't be the same show without all of his hot lava bombs and blown-out boxes. And really, I'm fine with the decision to leave Randy in his chair. The guy's critiques don't always work for me, dawgs, but he's aight. And, dude, HE'S 54!!! I mean, yo! WHAT?

Nigel Lythgoe, who left the show in 2008, is returning as Executive Producer, and the master judge cleanse is all part of his plan to boost ratings for a season that many people have preemptively decided not to watch.

So what do you think? Can big-name judges bring Idol back from the brink of death? Or should someone put it out of its misery already?


Scope said...

I think AI may have hit "Who Wants To Be A Millionare" status. Too big to overexposed not to fail.

I will be watching though, at least one episode. Candy's daughter (over at the Daily Dandy), won a golden ticket for the season, so will get a chance to perform for the judges.

That episode will be watched.

SkylersDad said...

Thanks for the reminder about Candy's daughter Scope. I think AI really jumped the shark a few years ago, and is just getting by with inertia.

Johnson said...

No Paula and no Kara? Who will do the awkward, doe-eyed, mom dancing this season?

gennifer6 said...

Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez, this could be very interesting. At least they chose people who know a little something about the music business. Ellen's not music and I didn;t even know who Kara was...

Blanche said...

I think I would rather see Brett Michales or Harry before Tyler. J-Lo? meh..I think I'm starting not to care anymore...

Richard @ The Bewildered Brit said...

Steven Tyler??!!! I can't decide whether that's a masterstroke or a terrible idea! :)

Vinny "Bond" Marini said...

Sorry...AI has jumped the shark and I will not be surprised if it does not even get through next season

Cormac Brown said...

"Steven Tyler" and "J-Lo," seriously? Jeez, you go on vacation and tune out the news. Then Hell freezes over and you're not sure if you're not being punk'd when you get back.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Is that show really still on? People have an amazing capacity for time wasting. Said the girl who watched about 4 hours of Flight of the Conchord reruns last night.


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