Monday, January 31, 2011

Dater Profiling Disappointments

Like any single gal of the Information Age, I have an online dating profile. Notice I didn't say that I "do" online dating or that I am actively "dating" people I've met online. Because rarely do my communications with these men (if they are, in fact, men and not just one giant make-love-not-war version of Joshua, playing an endless game that no one ever wins) result in an "IRL" meeting. This is partly my fault and partly theirs—mine because I'm not that aggressive and theirs because most of them are neanderthals with no communication skills.

Also, it's a lot easier for me to immediately give a thumbs down to an online fella. IRL, it takes a little while to figure out if I can stand to be in a room with someone for more than five minutes without wanting to kill myself. But online, the guy's likes, fetishes, bad habits, horrible grammar and religious zealousness are all there (presumably) up front in black and white, practically making the decision to message or not to message for me.

I will admit that I can be a little bit of a Judgey McJudgerson, especially when it comes to men who write things like, "im lookin 4 a reel niice gurl to spent time with" or guys who abuse exclamation marks and send five messages within two minutes, all begging for my phone number so he can call me. (Yes, both of these characters are based on actual people.) But I have dealbreakers just like anyone else. Is being a little picky so wrong? After all, online dating is based around getting to know someone's personality before discovering whether there is a physical attraction. If a guy who looked like Ian Somerhalder was standing in front of me, smoldering away, asking me out to dinner, I'd find it impossible to say no. But if he had a little index card around his neck that read, "Thrice divorced, hates puppies, weeps uncontrollably after sex and pronounces 'nuclear' as 'nucular'," it might be a little easier to tell him to go be impossibly gorgeous yet utterly ridiculous somewhere else. (Or I would hit that just that once and take lots of pictures.)

Now that you have the backstory, time for what may very well become a recurring feature here—Dater Profiling Disappointments. This is when I see a picture of a guy and immediately find him attractive (which doesn't happen that often), but after giving his profile a once-over, I just want to cry because I discover that he's managed to cram all the qualities I hate into a very lovely outer shell.

Site/user names have been changed to protect the innocent and keep me from getting sued.

Dating site: AllRightEros
User: Hypocrates (yes, I meant to spell it that way)
Strike One: Replies "very selectively." This is such a pet peeve of mine. If someone finds you interesting or attractive enough to message, most of the time they deserve some kind of response. Do men really think that just writing back makes them obligated to take someone out? Do they really think that we think "Oh, it must be love!" when they bother to answer with a simple hello? I'll generally respond to anyone unless he's a creepy weirdo. I just think it's mean to ignore someone. But if the guy writes back again and I'm not interested in a date, I'll think of a polite way to say so. It's really not that hard.
Strike Two: Christian; says religion/God is the most important thing in his life. Now, this is not a bad thing in and of itself. However, Hypocrates believes that homosexuality is a sin but wouldn't consider dating someone who's been A) celibate for the past four years or who B) would want to wait at least six months before having sex. (Keep in mind, these aren't MY requirements; they are some of the actual questions we master daters get to answer on AllRightEros.) So, it seems we have yet another preacher who thinks one or two short, vague Bible references to homosexuality (and zero mentions by Jesus) makes it an unforgivable sin but has no problem with premarital sex, which is pretty much called "immoral" on every page. Now, I don't have a problem being with someone whose political or religious views are much different than mine (as long as we can agree to respect each others' beliefs) but I'm not sure I could have a long-term relationship with someone who truly believes all gays are hellbound. It's just one of those things that really makes me mad. I can't help it.
Strike Three:Says that of narcissism, hypocrisy, racism and something else I've already forgotten, he hates narcissism the most. Yet, he says that dressing in style is "very important" and admits that, during conversations, he's waiting to talk rather than listening. (Can you guess which of those choices I picked as my most hated??)
Physical Score: 7
Personality Score: 2
Disappointment Factor: 5

Note to any anonymous angry men who are descending upon this blog to bitch that I'm the one with the problem and spit their testosterone all over the place: no, I'm not perfect and yes, there are just as many idiot women out there on dating sites but I'm not writing about them because I don't have any experience dating women. OK? Are you less butt hurt now? Good. Now, fix your skirt. Your unit's showing.


The Vegetable Assassin said...

UNIT! I am so using that. Only for lady parts it's funnier.

Boone strikes me as a dude who'd be all vacant on a date. Checking himself out in the mirror and pouting a lot. More in love with him than the lady he's with. But as you said, no harm in hitting that then telling us all about it and moving on to someone who can spell words with three syllables. :) I mean it's only right you get something out of it. Other than cooties.

Put down that mallet.

Also, I bet half the people on dating sites are the same sort of people who leave YouTube and Yahoo Forum comments, i.e., the last people on Earth who should be let loose with a keyboard and a web connection.

BeckEye said...

Well, to be fair, if I looked like him, I would be totally in love with myself too. I'd be looking at my reflection in my spoon all through dinner.

Scope said...

Instead of "One Night Stands" would you call them "One Hit Wonders"?

As you know, TECHNICALLY, I never did the on-line dating thing in that way. But, I did help a friend fill out one of those profile things for a site (and she's engaged to a guy from there), so I know that they ask the same question 3 ways at least.

And before the internet, I did do the newspaper personal thing, and returned every call.

Some Guy said...

I hope for your sake that this post does not become a recurring feature (at least not a long-term one), but as someone who has had similar online dating site experiences, I must say I got a kick out of it!

Cora said...

Ugh. I wanna smack him! Grrr.

I never tried any online dating sites or anything like that. I always kind of figured the right guy would magically fall into my lap one day when the time was right. And he did.

SkylersDad said...

My old profile said I liked tractor pulls, shootin shit up, and poking dead things with a stick.

I didn't get many takers...

I keed, I keed, I have been married so long it practically goes back to the days of arranged marriages.

Brahm (alfred lives here) said...

Yikes! Keep in there is all I can say.

Back in my single days I did the online thing, with some success and lot of wasted time. You gotta kiss a lot of frogs before the prince comes.

I became an expert in looking for wedding rings, closet cases, closet cases with wedding rings, men who lied about weight and height, and especially men whose pics were like 15 years old. So you think I won't notice that if and when we actually meet? Geez.

My best friend - a straight woman - was online at the same time, and we always feared would meet the same guy. Never happened. Phew!

Zed said...

I think you might have gotten some of those numbers wrong. If he truly looks like Ian Somerhalder, and he said the things you said he said, then the score should be more like this:

Physical Score: 10+; no, make that 1,000,000+
Personality Score: 0
Disappointment Factor: Infinity and counting

Didn't score well, but he sure is good-lookin'.

Anonymous said...

My internet dating experience left me with people who would have fit easily in the cast of Prisoner Cell Block H and a date with someone who had no teeth... :)

BeckEye said...

Scope - I wouldn't call them, period. :)

Some Guy - Unfortunately, it's been a recurring feature of mine long before I ever had a blog.

Cora - I always thought that, too but it hasn't happened yet.

SkyDad - Poking at dead things is on my favorites list too! Hmm, maybe the problem IS me.

Brahm - Yeah, I'm just over frogs at this point.

Zed - Oh, no no no no. Don't misunderstand. THIS guy didn't look like Ian. I was just using him as an example of male hotness. Believe me, if he had looked like him, I'd still be crying over the unfairness of that stupid profile.

SD&BS - I don't want to believe that everyone on dating sites is a loser. Because I'm on there, so that would mean that I'm a loser too. :)

Mike said...

I am glad I passed the "creepy" test with you and shared some funny emails a while back!

I too can be a picky one. Its not a bad thing.

Also, I am a catholic that doesnt freak out about gay people. Its those shifty lutherans you gotta look out for! (kidding.sort of)

CDP said...

I was going to say the same thing as Some Guy...hope this doesn't happen often but when it does, I hope you write about it because this post was awesome.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Uh oh. You rule out all the bad grammar people. I do that too.

It's just easier that way. You'll never respect them.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

It all sounds so soul-destroying! You are a much braver woman than I would ever be, wading in these Neanderthal-filled waters. I'd just stick to hitting on the bag boy at Safeway.

Logical Libby said...

Um, I don't think you're being picky at all. Just honest. You wouldn't eat a gay hating sandwich just because it was there either...

Coaster Punchman said...

So did my Evite to you get spammed or did you just never open it?


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