Dater Profiling Disappointments

Like any single gal of the Information Age, I have an online dating profile. Notice I didn't say that I "do" online dating or that I am actively "dating" people I've met online. Because rarely do my communications with these men (if they are, in fact, men and not just one giant make-love-not-war version of Joshua, playing an endless game that no one ever wins) result in an "IRL" meeting. This is partly my fault and partly theirs—mine because I'm not that aggressive and theirs because most of them are neanderthals with no communication skills.

Also, it's a lot easier for me to immediately give a thumbs down to an online fella. IRL, it takes a little while to figure out if I can stand to be in a room with someone for more than five minutes without wanting to kill myself. But online, the guy's likes, fetishes, bad habits, horrible grammar and religious zealousness are all there (presumably) up front in black and white, practically making the decision to message or not to message for me.

I will admit that I can be a little bit of a Judgey McJudgerson, especially when it comes to men who write things like, "im lookin 4 a reel niice gurl to spent time with" or guys who abuse exclamation marks and send five messages within two minutes, all begging for my phone number so he can call me. (Yes, both of these characters are based on actual people.) But I have dealbreakers just like anyone else. Is being a little picky so wrong? After all, online dating is based around getting to know someone's personality before discovering whether there is a physical attraction. If a guy who looked like Ian Somerhalder was standing in front of me, smoldering away, asking me out to dinner, I'd find it impossible to say no. But if he had a little index card around his neck that read, "Thrice divorced, hates puppies, weeps uncontrollably after sex and pronounces 'nuclear' as 'nucular'," it might be a little easier to tell him to go be impossibly gorgeous yet utterly ridiculous somewhere else. (Or I would hit that just that once and take lots of pictures.)

Now that you have the backstory, time for what may very well become a recurring feature here—Dater Profiling Disappointments. This is when I see a picture of a guy and immediately find him attractive (which doesn't happen that often), but after giving his profile a once-over, I just want to cry because I discover that he's managed to cram all the qualities I hate into a very lovely outer shell.

Site/user names have been changed to protect the innocent and keep me from getting sued.

Dating site: AllRightEros
User: Hypocrates (yes, I meant to spell it that way)
Strike One: Replies "very selectively." This is such a pet peeve of mine. If someone finds you interesting or attractive enough to message, most of the time they deserve some kind of response. Do men really think that just writing back makes them obligated to take someone out? Do they really think that we think "Oh, it must be love!" when they bother to answer with a simple hello? I'll generally respond to anyone unless he's a creepy weirdo. I just think it's mean to ignore someone. But if the guy writes back again and I'm not interested in a date, I'll think of a polite way to say so. It's really not that hard.
Strike Two: Christian; says religion/God is the most important thing in his life. Now, this is not a bad thing in and of itself. However, Hypocrates believes that homosexuality is a sin but wouldn't consider dating someone who's been A) celibate for the past four years or who B) would want to wait at least six months before having sex. (Keep in mind, these aren't MY requirements; they are some of the actual questions we master daters get to answer on AllRightEros.) So, it seems we have yet another preacher who thinks one or two short, vague Bible references to homosexuality (and zero mentions by Jesus) makes it an unforgivable sin but has no problem with premarital sex, which is pretty much called "immoral" on every page. Now, I don't have a problem being with someone whose political or religious views are much different than mine (as long as we can agree to respect each others' beliefs) but I'm not sure I could have a long-term relationship with someone who truly believes all gays are hellbound. It's just one of those things that really makes me mad. I can't help it.

Strike Three:Says that of narcissism, hypocrisy, racism and something else I've already forgotten, he hates narcissism the most. Yet, he says that dressing in style is "very important" and admits that, during conversations, he's waiting to talk rather than listening. (Can you guess which of those choices I picked as my most hated??)
Physical Score: 7
Personality Score: 2
Disappointment Factor: 5

Note to any anonymous angry men who are descending upon this blog to bitch that I'm the one with the problem and spit their testosterone all over the place: no, I'm not perfect and yes, there are just as many idiot women out there on dating sites but I'm not writing about them because I don't have any experience dating women. OK? Are you less butt hurt now? Good. Now, fix your skirt. Your unit's showing.