Oscars, Schmoscars

Welcome to The Pop Eye's 6th Annual Schmoscar Awards! 'Twas a rather boring telecast this year, but the show must go on. (Enlarge any of the photos for a closer look.)

Hottest Chick of the Night: As many of you already know, I have a very specific lady type: dark hair, full lips. (Even though my top two lesbian crushes, CZJ and Zooey Deschanel, both have thin lips. Odd.) Also, my favorite color is purple. Therefore, this award could go to no one but the very lovely (and newly single) Mila Kunis. She may end up in the Top 5 of my lesbian list after last night, bumping the also brunette, big-lipped Eliza Dushku. (Last year's winner: Demi Moore.)

Hottest Chick Runner-Up: My least favorite color is orange, but that won't stop me from giving this Schmoscar to Jennifer Hudson. Her boobs looked a little weird, but the rest of her was stunning. I always thought J-Hud looked good with some meat on her bones, but the slimmed down version is pretty swell as well. (Last year's winner: Penelope Cruz.)

Hottest Guy of the Night: I've gotta give it up to Hugh Jackman. Especially since it was such a boring night, reminding me once again that Hugh is still the BEST. HOST. EVER. What do we have to do to get him back?? (Last year's winner: Robert Downey, Jr.)

Hottest Guy Runner-Up: I had no idea who Armie Hammer was (no, I still haven't seen The Social Network) until I saw him wandering around the red carpet, and then I looked him up. I don't normally like blondes, but this guy is pretty hot. And there was a serious lack of man candy last night. Also, Armie Hammer is one of the greatest names ever. I guess his parents were really big fans of baking soda. (Last year's winner: Zac Efron.)

Best Moment of the Night: Well, there weren't many. Kirk Douglas was sweet and I enjoyed the James Franco-in-drag/Charlie Sheen joke. In an amazing turn of events, I was thisclose to giving this award to the death reel. Crazy, right? Well, it's only because I have been bitching for years about the rude "applause-o-meter" that usually goes on during this segment and was delighted to find that TPTB finally must have told this year's audience to hold their applause until after it was over. So, that was fantastic. However, because it snubbed Corey Haim, the death reel loses out to the closing song by the adorable PS22 Chorus. Suck on that, death reel. (Last year's winner: the John Hughes tribute.)

Worst Moment of the Night: This is kind of a tough one because, as I've already said several times, it was a pretty weak night all around. But since the opening segment is traditionally supposed to be a funny and entertaining appetizer that gets you excited for the main course, I've gotta give it to this one—an uninspired and poorly written Inception-themed movie mashup—because it was a horrible, horrible failure. Had it not been for the appearance of Morgan Freeman and James Franco in a white leotard, I wouldn't have even cracked a half-smile. (Last year's winner: the death reel.)

Worst Dressed: Obviously it's Helena Bonham Carter. And really, she's such an easy mark that I almost don't even want to waste the award on her, but I can't deny that she deserves it. (Last year's winner: Zoe Saldana.)

Best Hair: Luke Matheny. I can't believe he said he should've gotten a haircut! His 'do recalled Will Ferrell's triumphant white man 'fro from the 2007 Oscars. Also, his acceptance speech (for best live action short film) was adorably sweet, and one of the best of the night. (Last year's winner: Nobody. Last winner: Patrick Dempsey, 2008.)

Worst Hair: The stuff that's slowly eating Christian Bale's face. Seriously, can we get rid of this mountain man trend once and for all? It's all that dumbass Brad Pitt's fault. (New category.)

Best Impression of a Dinner Napkin: Well, after a year's break, this category has returned to the Schmoscars, thanks to Nicole Kidman. (Last year's winner: Nobody. Last winner: Jessica Biel, 2009.)

Best Impression of a Dinner Napkin Smeared with a Hot Dog Topping: I thought Cate Blanchett's bizarro dress deserved a special new category, but this is actually a cross between two existing categories: Best Impression of a Dinner Napkin and Best Impression of a Hot Dog Topping. Whatever the hell it is, Cate needs to throw it in the trash immediately. And then burn the trash. (Newish category; however, Jessica Biel and Kelly Preston last won similar awards in 2009 and 2008, respectively.)

Best Impression of Cruella DeVille: Sharon Stone. YEE-ikes. How did she even get invited to the Oscars? (New category.)

Best Reason for Better Security: Sharon Stone. You know, I'm not completely convinced that she was invited. (Last year's winner: Nobody. Last winner: Gary Busey, 2008.)

Best Impression of a Wax Statue: OK, ignore for a minute that Russell Brand's suit is totally ridonk. I just want to know exactly how much makeup he's wearing. You know Katy Perry is at home, looking for some foundation to cover up some blemish that Proactiv didn't cure yet and cussing him out when she discovers, like, four empty bottles. (New category.)

Finally, I'm kind of sad that I haven't found anyone to give The Lisa Rinna Award (formerly known as The "Why Does This Woman Get Invited To The Oscars When She Has No Reason For Being There Other Than To Wear a Slinky Dress and Show Off Her Perfect Body?" Award) to. However, if I do a little modification and make it The Lisa Rinna and Harry Hamlin Award (aka The "Why Are They There?" Award), I can give it to Matthew McConaughey and Camila Alves. Hey, I like Matthew well enough, but not really for his acting. Anyway, he looked a little like he was auditioning for Jersey Shore last night. When will people learn to not fall asleep in the tanning bed?